


Children of Destiny

by Verathin



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Dark Undertones, Fate Reversal, Fluff, Gen, Implied/Referenced Torture, M/M, Mawaru Penguindrum AU, Mild Language, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Temporary Character Death, Washuu!Hide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-09
Updated: 2017-11-29
Packaged: 2018-10-29 20:27:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 40
Words: 78,189
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10861491
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Verathin/pseuds/Verathin
Summary: A simple story where Kaneki and Hide live together and enjoy a normal life. They don't, really, but it's not like anyone needs to know that.Watching Mawaru Penguindrum is not necessary, but it's recommended if only because it's a great series.





	1. In the Shadow of Morning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I hate the word "fate." Birth, encounters, partings, success and failures, fortune and misfortunes in life. If our lives are already set in stone by fate, then why are we even born? There are those born to wealthy families, those born to beautiful mothers, and those born into the middle of war or poverty. If that's all caused by fate, then God is incredibly unfair and cruel. Because, ever since that day, none of us had a future and the only certain thing was that we wouldn't amount to anything... –Shouma

It was bright outside, but the curtains were drawn tightly closed and the bedroom was shrouded in darkness. A few moments passed and then the door opened a crack, causing the figure lying in bed to groan and pull the covers farther over his head. Someone in a T-shirt and shorts padded quietly into the room, stopping at the headrest.

“Hide,” he whispered, poking at the sleeping boy’s face. “Hide. Wake up.” When the only response was another groan, he proceeded to climb on top of the lump of blankets, squishing his friend’s body with his own. “Wake uuuup….” he repeated, pouting. “Wake up wake up wake up!” By this point he was rolling back and forth across the bed, waving his arms and legs in the air.

He stopped when a pair of arms wrapped themselves around his waist, holding him still. “You’re too energetic for this time in the morning,” muttered Hide sleepily. Kaneki turned to face him and bumped their noses together.

“I’m excited!” he said happily. “It’s Kaneki day today!”

“Mmm… is it?” Hide sat up slowly, and Kaneki rolled onto the floor.

“It is,” he confirmed, smiling.

Hide stood, stretched, and pulled open the curtains. A small squawk behind him told him that the sunlight had ended up in Kaneki’s eyes, and sure enough when he looked back the smaller boy was sprawled on the ground making little distressed sounds. It was kind of cute, actually. Like watching a kitten sneeze.

Adjusting the curtain so that Kaneki wasn’t blinded, Hide sat down again and looked at his friend. He was curled in a ball on his side, eyes peeking out from under his bangs with an accusatory glare.

“That was on purpose,” he said. Rather than respond, the blond reached down and squished his cheeks together.

“Cute,” he said smilingly.

Kaneki frowned and muttered, “…not cute,” then proceeded to attempt to bite Hide’s fingers.

“You’re right,” Hide agreed, “I think this calls more for an ‘adorable’.”

“I’m not adorable either.”

“I beg to differ. ‘Adorable’ means ‘able to be adored,’ and since I adore you that means that you’re adorable.”

Unable to refute that logic, the black-haired boy turned to pouting. “You’re being mean to me!” he whined. “You’re not allowed to be mean on Kaneki day!”

“I’m not? Then what _am_ I allowed to do?” laughed Hide.

“You’ve gotta stay home from school and play with me all day, and we have to do whatever I say no matter what, okay? You promised.”

“I did, didn’t I?” The taller boy ruffled Kaneki’s hair good-naturedly and asked, “So what would you have us do first?”

Kaneki thought for a moment. “I want breakfast,” he declared eventually. “But you have to carry me, okay?”

Smiling, Hide leaned over to pick up the smaller boy, carrying him over to the kitchen and setting him down at the table. “Toast, or pancakes?” he asked.

“Pancakes! And lots of syrup!”

“As you wish, so it shall be,” Hide joked as he made his way into the kitchen. From the dining room he could hear Kaneki singing “Pancakes, pancakes” to himself and he chuckled, but his humor was short lived. He had to be positive for Kaneki’s sake, but it was so hard to see him smiling like that when he didn’t know…

* * *

 “Three weeks?”

“A month at best. I’m sorry, but at this point there’s nothing more we can do for him.” The doctor put a consoling hand on Hide’s shoulder, but he didn’t feel it. After everything he’d done, to be losing Kaneki so quickly was just unthinkable. He didn’t deserve this- he was still just a kid! Okay, maybe there were only a few months in between their ages, but Kaneki was innocent in a way Hide had never been able to be. And yet the world was trying to take him away so soon? It wasn’t fair.

“Can’t you… isn’t there something you haven’t tried yet? Anything?” He asked the question, but he already knew the answer. This had always been inevitable. He knew that.

“There are certain medications we could give him to make his passing more peaceful, but beyond that I’m afraid the matter is beyond my control. If I were you, I would focus on making sure that he’s happy for the rest of the time he has left.”

Hide opened his mouth to say something, but no words came out. He put his head in his hands, trying to stop himself from shaking. He wanted to scream, to cry, to punch the doctor for not being able to save his friend’s life, but he couldn’t. All he could do was sit there numbly and wish for a way to turn back time. The doctor looked at him pityingly and stood to leave the office. “I… truly am sorry,” he said.

* * *

 Kaneki was draped backwards over the couch, squinting at the television when Hide returned from washing the dishes. “Bear… escaped… from… local… ooze,” he said, then frowned. “What does that mean?”

“It says ‘zoo’,” corrected Hide with a sigh, rolling the black-haired boy over.

“Oh.” Kaneki considered for a moment, then added, “What do bears have?” It took a moment for Hide to figure out what he meant, but on a guess he replied,

“I would say it’s fur. Doesn’t count as hair until it’s at least a couple inches long.” Kaneki nodded in acceptance, then let himself slide downwards until he was on his back on the floor.    “The time is E5:21,” he announced.

“Almost 1:00 then,” translated Hide. “I was thinking about going out sometime this afternoon. Is there anywhere you wanna go?”

“Zoo?” suggested Kaneki after some thought.

“I’d love to, but the TV says that might not be such a great idea right now.” The blond squatted so that his face was directly over Kaneki’s. “Try again?”

Kaneki squeezed his eyes shut as if in deep thought before saying, “Aquarium?”

Hide grinned. “Now there’s something we can work with.”

 

The two dressed- or rather, Hide dressed himself and then Kaneki- and were soon sitting in the subway on the way to the aquarium. Since it was the middle of the day on a Monday, they were some of the only people in the car, but nobody questioned what two college-age students were doing out of class when there was good weather.

“What about jellyfish?” asked Kaneki, swinging his legs back and forth.

“Jellyfish don’t make any sound,” Hide told him. “They don’t even have brains, let alone vocal cords.”

“Really? That’s weird. Then… an octopus?”

“Huh. I don’t know. I’ve never thought about that one before. Hold on a sec.” The blond stealthily pulled his phone out of his pocket, ignoring the glare he got from the old woman across from them, and did a quick search. “Weird, it doesn’t look like they make any sounds either. Ooh, but here’s a cute video of a baby octopus- look!” Kaneki leaned over to get a better look, resting his head on Hide’s shoulder as he did. Hide wrapped an arm around the smaller boy’s shoulders, holding him closer as they watched the small cephalopod squeeze itself into a jar. Kaneki giggled when the octopus’s arms reached out and tried to grab the camera before the video cut off.

“Would our aquarium have an octopus?” he asked.

“Probably- unless it escaped too.”

The speakers chimed, announcing their station, and they exited the train. Kaneki went bounding ahead, laughing at the sky.

“Hold on!” called Hide after him. “Are you planning on leaving me behind or something?”

“No… you’re just being too slow! I wanna get to the aquarium and see the octopus!”

“What’s more important, the octopus or your health? Seriously, you’re going to wear yourself out if you keep this up.” He may have been reprimanding him, but it secretly made Hide happy to see Kaneki with so much energy. The younger boy hadn’t been out of the house much recently, so he was glad that it turned out to be a good day. Sometimes he was so tired he could hardly get out of bed, much less run circles outside.

“It’ll take more than this to get to me!” Kaneki stated proudly. “You worry too much.”

“Yes, yes. Let’s buy our tickets now, alright?”

“It’s so gooey!” Kaneki had finally found the octopus tank and couldn’t stop staring at it. “Look at it! It goes fwoosh and then it goobs and then it’s like fwaaah. It’s so cool!”

“I see it,” Hide laughed. “Kinda makes you jealous, huh? Wish I could swim that well.”

“Mmm, but it’s an octopus. It’s designed to swim. If you were an octopus you couldn’t make breakfast anymore. What does an octopus eat?... Oh, it’s hiding. Come back!” Sensing that Kaneki wasn’t talking to him anymore, Hide checked the pamphlet they’d been given with a timetable of special events.

“Hey,” he said once Kaneki had gotten tired of chasing the octopus around, “there’s a penguin show in an hour. You wanna get something to eat and then check it out?”

“Penguins?”

“And food. Sound good?”

Kaneki’s stomach took that moment to growl, and he looked at it curiously. “My stomach says yes,” he stated, and Hide laughed again.

“Okay, food it is.”

They ended up getting some sandwiches for convenience’s sake, but Kaneki talked him into getting an ice cream cone too.

“Penguins?” he asked after they had put their trays away. Hide checked his watch.

“There’s still twenty minutes before it starts- how about we look at the gift shop, then head over to the stage area?”

“Can I get a plushy?” asked Kaneki sweetly.

“Of course- it’s Kaneki day, remember?” Kaneki cheered, letting Hide lead the way to the gift shop. Once there he began wandering back and forth, carefully examining each of the stuffed toys they had for sale.

“Look, octopus!” he said, holding up the toy by two of its arms and waving them back and forth. He put it down, drifting off to another area of the shop. “Ooh, narwhal,” his voice drifted from behind one of the displays. “Squishy…”

This went on for several minutes before Kaneki came running up with something hidden behind his back. “Find something good?” asked Hide.

Kaneki smiled proudly for a moment, then brought the mystery object forward. “Tada!” he shouted as he displayed his find. It was a hat, vaguely shaped like an emperor penguin and with two long tassels hanging from the ears. Those, hide was pretty sure, were just for decoration, since he couldn’t think of any penguins that had ear tassels.

“It’s cute,” he said, taking it from Kaneki’s hands and searching for a price tag. “You want it?” Bouncing on his feet, Kaneki nodded, and they took the hat to a cashier. Once it was payed for, Hide took him by the hand and they went to find seats for the penguin show.

"Kaneki.” The show was about halfway through and Kaneki was watching with wide eyes as the penguins performed one trick after another. “Hey, Kaneki. I’m gonna go to the bathroom, okay? Be right back.” The black-haired boy nodded absently, never taking his eyes off of the stage. Hide sighed and made his way to the back of the performance area, checking the time as he did. _Three o’clock, huh?_ he thought. _Should probably think about heading home after this._ He found the bathroom used it quickly, knowing Kaneki didn’t like being alone for long periods of time. On his way back he passed a group of children, probably there on a field trip, and smiled. _Elementary school? About third grade, from the looks of it. Wasn’t that when…_

A commotion up ahead brought him out of his thought, and he craned his neck to see what had happened. There was a crowd of people gathered outside of the door to the performance stage. Worry began to gather in Hide’s stomach, and he picked up his pace, hoping nothing bad had happened while he was gone. _It was just a few minutes, right? There’s no way… not in that short a time…!_ By this point he was running, pushing through the crowd and into the auditorium. Everything about the show had come to a halt and security guards had begun clearing people out of the room. Another group of staff members were standing in a circle a little ways away, and in the middle of that circle was-

“KANEKI!” Hide rushed over to where his friend was lying, frantically checking for a pulse. “Not now, not now, not now…” he repeated, nearly collapsing with relief when he felt the faint beat of Kaneki’s heart.

“Are you a relative?” asked one of the staff. “We’ve called for an ambulance, but any information you can give us about his condition would help.”

“I- uh, yeah. He’s… he’s had problems since he was a kid, but I’m not sure… Nothing like this has ever happened before.” The worker nodded and passed along the message. An ambulance arrived a few minutes later, and they loaded Kaneki inside. Hide held onto his hand the whole time, terrified that if he let go Kaneki’s heart would stop for good. As they arrived at the hospital he wasn’t even aware of what was going on around him- he only picked up bits and pieces of conversation as doctors worked frantically to help his friend. The words “critical condition” and “life support” made it into his ears, but he couldn’t begin to think of what they implied. He didn’t want to.

Time passed, but he couldn’t tell how much. Nurses went by, calling out to one another, and he didn’t notice until someone stopped directly in front of him.

“Nagachika-san?” He looked up, hopeful, but that hope was crushed as soon as he saw the look on the nurse’s face. His eyes widened and he stopped breathing.

“I’m so sorry…” said the nurse, and Hide’s world shattered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I've had this chapter written for a super long time but I've been too scared to actually post it. Penguindrum isn't that well-known of a series, and it's definitely more abstract than literal, so I was kind of worried that nobody would understand what the heck I was talking about. I really liked the idea, though, so I finally decided to do it. Please be merciful.
> 
> Also this chapter is mostly fluff, but they won't all be like that.


	2. Crime and Punishment for You and Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> At this time, I thought we were just lucky. That unfair and cruel God altered our fate with a tiny miracle on a whim. I thought we even had the right to be happy. –Shouma

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Things get a little stranger in this chapter, so hold on.

He was cold. Why was he so cold? This wasn’t how things were supposed to be. Hide sat on a simple folding chair next to Kaneki’s body, still holding one of his hands. “Really, Kaneki,” he tried to smile, “you’re always running off ahead of me. You ended up leaving me behind after all- what am I gonna do with you…?”

_What am I gonna do without you?_

For pretty much as long as he could remember, Kaneki had been the one thing in his life that he wanted to protect above all else. Everything had been for him. Without that, what did he have left? _Nothing. I’m pathetic, aren’t I?_

 _Stop that,_ he chided himself. _You knew it would happen. You were prepared for this, remember? He was happy when he died, so that’s all that matters, right?_

It wasn’t. Preparing for it was one thing, but to see his best friend lying there with that cloth over his face was just too much. “It’s not fair!” he shouted in frustration. “Why him? He didn’t do anything wrong! If you’re trying to punish us, punish me instead…!” He wasn’t sure who he was talking to- God? Hide had long ago decided that there was no such thing. Still, it felt good to let out what he was thinking. “Is this supposed to be funny or something?! A joke?! It’s not! Okay? So just… just…” he was crying again. Dammit.

“Just give him back…”

No response. Of course there wasn’t. He wasn’t so stupid as to believe that somebody would actually spare any attention to his small tragedy, let alone someone who would be able to-

“Survival…”

Be able to-

“Strategy!!!”

…What?

In shock, Hide looked back to where Kaneki was supposed to be lying. Except the black-haired boy was currently sitting up, with the penguin hat of all things on his head. “K- Kaneki?” he asked, still not trusting what his eyes were telling him. Kaneki slowly turned his head to look at Hide, his expression completely blank. On a closer look, one of his eyes was a different color than it was supposed to be, red instead of its usual grey. And his hair was definitely whiter than it had been before. _That’s it,_ Hide decided, _I’ve officially lost my mind. There is no way that this is happening right now._

“I have come from the other side of fate,” announced Kaneki suddenly. “Rejoice, for I have decided to extend this boy’s life.”

“Uhh…” said Hide, not sure of how to react to that. “Hey, are you okay? I mean, you’re not-”

“However,” Kaneki interrupted him. “If you truly wish to save him, you must…” Hide waited expectantly but nothing followed.

“I must…?” he prompted. Kaneki stared at him for a few uncomfortable seconds, then the hat slipped off of his head and onto the floor. There was a tense moment when neither of them moved, broken when Kaneki- his hair was black again, when had that happened? –looked up with a surprised look on his face.

“Hide?” he asked, giving no indication of awareness of what had just transpired. “What happened? This isn’t the aquarium… is it?” He was cut off by Hide launching himself at him and pulling him into a tight hug, shoulders shaking as he cried with relief.

“You’re okay, you’re alive,” he whispered, repeating the words over and over again. “You’re _alive_.”

* * *

 

The doctor couldn’t explain it. After the incident at the aquarium, Kaneki’s health had stabilized remarkably, to the point where you wouldn’t even be able to tell that he had been sick before. The nurses called it a miracle. Hide didn’t care, because Kaneki was alive and that was all that mattered.

“Kaneki, you awake?” He poked his head into Kaneki’s room and found him sitting cross-legged on his bed, flipping through a pile of books. “What’cha reading?” asked Hide, lifting the cover. “Textbooks? Hey, aren’t these mine?”

Kaneki nodded as he turned another page. “I’ve been keeping them. I was gonna try to read all of them, but I never got that far. Now that I’m better though, I thought maybe it’d be fun if I could start going to school again, so I’m trying to catch up.”

Hide blinked in surprise at Kaneki’s determination. He knew that the younger boy had been sad when he had to drop out of school, but never thought he had gone to such lengths. “School, huh? That’s a great idea! I could talk to my professors and see about letting you sit in on lectures and stuff, if you want?” Seeing how much Kaneki’s face lit up at the suggestion alone convinced him that it was a good idea. “Just remember that you’d have to start getting up early again,” he reminded him. “No more sleeping in.”

“I don’t sleep that much,” defended Kaneki, even they both knew that he really did.

“Whatever you say,” teased Hide, laughing. “Breakfast’s ready in the kitchen whenever you get hungry- I have afternoon classes today, so I’ll probably be home around four. Okay?”

“Come home safely!” Kaneki called, already burying his nose into the textbook again.

“I’m off,” grinned Hide.

* * *

 

The morning passed fairly uneventfully, each class blending into the next without incident. Hide made sure to ask about getting Kaneki into classes, and for the most part the responses were positive. He’d probably have to tutor him for a while to get him caught up, or at least to the point where he could understand what was going on, but it wasn’t like anybody would expect perfect grades from someone who hadn’t been to school in ten years. It would be good for Kaneki to begin learning again, even if he didn’t have any useful context for that information.

 _Japanese literature shouldn’t be a problem,_ he thought to himself during lunch break. _He reads enough that he’d probably do better than I would. English is gonna be more difficult- so is math, but that’s just a general-ed course so nobody cares that much about it. Asian History… that’s a tough one._ As he considered how best to approach each subject, he caught himself smiling again- that had been happening more and more often lately, hadn’t it? Ever since Kaneki had died and then been brought back to life… somehow.

_Somehow I don’t think that I’m gonna get an answer to this one very easily…_

*Click!*

“Now that’s an interesting face for you. Whatever could have caused it…?”  Hide looked up in surprise, blinking as the camera flashed again. The brown-haired girl behind the lens checked her photo with a satisfied expression.

“Chie…” Of course it would be her. They didn’t have any classes in common, but with the way she wandered around campus they ended up running into each other anyway. In all honesty, he wasn’t sure if she was even enrolled as a student or if she just showed up to take photographs. He’d tried asking once, but never got a clear answer.

“So,” she resumed. “What’s the story here?” She held up the camera for him to see the pictures she’d taken: Hide, forehead creased in concentration with a mix of perplexity and amusement on his face. For the one who was always smiling, it certainly was a rare sight.

“Oh… I didn’t know I looked like _that_ when I’m thinking. Guess there’s a reason I don’t do it that much, huh?” The joke was casual, with the subtle message of _it’s nothing serious so don’t worry_ hidden beneath it. Chie raised her eyebrows skeptically and Hide sighed in resignation. “So, I’ve told you about Kaneki’s condition, right?”

“You have.”

“Would you believe me if I said that he was dead for a little bit a while ago?”

“I would.”

……

“Like, actually dead though. Not as in ‘his heart stopped for a minute,’ but ‘he was proclaimed clinically dead and taken to a morgue.’ That kind of dead.”

“Hideyoshi-kun,” she cut him off.  “I know what dead means.”

“…And that doesn’t seem even a little bit weird to you?”

“Sure it does. But I don’t see why you would lie about such a thing, so I’ll believe you even if it is weird. Besides,” Chie leaned over the table and grabbed Hide’s soda from him and took a sip, “it looks like I’ll get an interesting story out of it…?”

Snatching his drink back, Hide looked her in the eye to check for any sarcasm, but he found none. “To be honest there’s not that much for me to say,” he began. He quickly outlined the day they had spent at the aquarium, through to Kaneki’s collapse and subsequent revival. “He was just sitting up all of a sudden, and one of his eyes was red, I think. But that could have been my imagination- except his hair was white too, which I’m pretty sure I didn’t just imagine. Oh yeah, and he was wearing the hat, and he went back to normal when it fell off.”

Chie was silent for a while, mulling over that information. She pulled out a scrap of paper and a pencil and made a quick sketch of something. “Is this about what it looked like?” she asked, flipping the paper around to show off her work. She had drawn a surprisingly accurate representation of the penguin hat.

“Uh, yeah, actually. How did you..?”

“Just a guess,” she dismissed. “So this is the mystery hat, huh?  I’ve been wondering about this…” Before Hide could ask what she was talking about she got up, waving her drawing in the air. “Thanks for the soda,” she called. “I’ll let you know if I hear anything more about this, ‘kay?”

If it were anybody else he would have chased after her, but with Chie there was no getting her back on a topic once she had decided she was done with it so he didn’t bother.   _What does she know about that hat though?_ He wondered. And then, belatedly, _is the hat_ really _the most important thing to be focusing on right now?_

“…Whatever,” he decided, checking his watch.  “Gotta get to class…”

* * *

 

“Kaneki, I’m home!” When there was no immediate response Hide slipped his shoes off and poked his head into the living room. Kaneki was sitting at the table with his textbooks out, fast asleep.   _Crashed while studying, huh?_ Hide smiled.

“Hey, buddy,” he said, ruffling Kaneki’s hair slightly. “Time to wake up, okay?” Kaneki made a small sound that sounded like ‘merp’ and scrunched his face up. “Kaaanekiii,” Hide repeated, trying not to laugh. Kaneki responded by scooting over until he was sitting in Hide’s lap and wrapping his arms around him.

“Sleep,” he mumbled, nuzzling against the blond’s neck. It was definitely adorable, but Hide had known him long enough to recognize when he was using his cuteness as a weapon to get what he wanted.

“Dinner first, then bath, _then_ sleep,” he corrected. Kaneki grumbled, but begrudgingly opened his eyes.

“Food?” he asked, still latched on to Hide.

“Yes, food. But you have to let go of me first, okay?”

“Mm… don’t wanna.” He shifted so that Hide could use his legs again, but refused to release his neck. Hide sighed and resigned himself to making dinner with an extra 120 pounds hanging off of his back.

* * *

 

“Thank you for the meal!” Kaneki clapped his hands excitedly as Hide brought out plates of food. His smile grew even larger when he saw what he’d made. “Hamburger steak! Yay, thank you Hide, I love you!”

Hide laughed at such an enthusiastic response, holding the words close to heart. “You’re welcome- now eat.”

 A few minutes passed in relative silence, save for Kaneki humming quietly to himself in contentment. It wasn’t a tune Hide recognized, but it was sweet. It sounded like a children’s song, or maybe a lullaby- he wasn’t really listening, to be honest, just taking joy in watching Kaneki rock his head back and forth in time with his song. Gradually the humming slowed down, and Hide figured that he was just getting tired until there he heard a sharp intake of breath.

“Kaneki?” he asked, looking up. “What’s wrong…?”

….?

….?!

Kaneki wasn’t looking at him. He wasn’t looking at anything, really. His left eye had gone red again, his hair white, and… there was the hat. Wasn’t it supposed to be in Kaneki’s room?

“Survival Strategy...!!!!”

 

Okay, what? What was going on? This was _not_ the dining room. Or any part of the house. Or anywhere that looked even remotely like a real place. Kaneki was standing on a platform high above Hide, only a perilously narrow staircase linking the two of them. As for what he was wearing… Hide was positive that nothing like that existed in Kaneki’s wardrobe. It was black and a _lot_ tighter than anything he normally wore: The back of the coat went almost all the way to his feet, while the front was shorter and cut at an angle so that some of his pants and all of the boots were visible. Not to mention he was _still_ wearing that darn penguin hat- seriously, what was up with that thing? While Hide was trying to figure it all out, Kaneki spoke.

“Listen, you lowlife who will never amount to anything.”

What? As bizarre as the whole situation was, hearing Kaneki speak like that was one of the strangest things of all. He had always been soft-spoken and kind, but now his voice was hard and direct. “Kaneki…?” he asked tentatively, not sure of what to expect.

“I am not,” responded the white-haired boy. “I have come from the other side of fate to restore this boy’s life. However, my abilities are limited. If you truly wish to save him, you must acquire the Penguindrum.”

“The peng- whoa, wait a minute here…” Hide’s brain was struggling to keep up with this turn of events. At least some part of him managed to register that he had heard the same thing that day at the aquarium, but what that meant he had no idea.

“I have temporarily extended his life using my powers,” Not-Kaneki continued, “but everything comes with a price. Therefore, I am taking that price.” Before Hide could even begin to process those ominous-sounding words, something… shifted. Suddenly they were right in front of each other, and Kaneki-not-Kaneki reached out and Hide felt something _warm_ in his chest and then…

* * *

 

Kaneki was sound asleep, wrapped in a cocoon of blankets. Hide opened the door to his room just a crack, letting a single ray of light shine across the floor and causing Kaneki to curl in on himself even more. Slowly and carefully so as not to wake him, Hide moved to his bedside and leaned down, brushing a few strands out of his face.

In that moment, the world outside was completely still. Hide’s heart beat steadily, a constant reminder that _you are alive; You are alive_ ; and he put a hand to his chest. Kaneki’s heart was beating as well, he knew, pumping blood and oxygen in a never-ending cycle. It was quieter- faint, unassuming- but it beat all the same.

As he lay there, so peacefully, Hide felt that same warmth from before and slowly, carefully, leaned in and pressed their lips together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know, I know. I'm sorry for the confusion, but in my defense the original is just as confusing. The stories will diverge in a few chapters, but I need the initial setup to match or else the story can't get started. Please believe me when I say that these things will make more sense later.


	3. Nornir

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The scenery of the world changes when a fate is changed. But no one notices the change. –Momoka

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some more characters show up, but nobody has any idea what's going on yet! Frankly, it's gonna take a long, long time before any of this starts making sense, but I hope you'll stick with it.

_’You must acquire the Penguindrum….’_

_’Penguindrum…’_

“…What the heck is a Penguindrum?!”

Out of curiosity he’d tried looing it up online, but the computer had only asked if he’d meant _Penguin Drum_ , and when he’d hit ‘yes,’ all it came up with were videos from a Russian advertising campaign. Which he was pretty sure was not what he was looking for, but then again you never know. After the fifth video, though, he changed his mind. This was _definitely_ not what he was looking for.

_And now I have Russian penguins in my search history. Great._ He drummed his fingers on the table, puzzling through any clues he had. _Something to do with penguins…maybe._ There was the hat, plus the fact that they’d been at a penguin show, and now the thing called a Penguindrum. It was sort of like a logic puzzle: what do these things have in common? Except he had no idea what to do with the answer. In frustration he closed his laptop, pulled out a pen and wrote PENGUINS?? in bold on the back of his hand. _I’ll look it up later,_ he decided. _After I hear back from Chie, maybe._ In the meantime he had arranged to meet up with a couple of upperclassmen and get their old textbooks so that he and Kaneki wouldn’t have to share. Not that there was anything wrong with that, but he figured it might be nice for Kaneki to have some stuff he could call his own.

They were meeting at a café downtown, so Hide bought himself a coffee while he waited and then, as an afterthought, a slice of cake to take home to Kaneki. He spent a few minutes fiddling with his phone before the door chimed to signify that someone else had shown up.

“Hey guys, what’s up?” he asked.

“Pretty typical- festival committee stuff, homework, exam prep, all that. Nothing you would understand, freshman.” Hide scowled but knew that they were just joking around. While they weren’t exactly friends, they’d worked together in planning social events and the like so they were familiar with each other.

“So,” Hide whispered, lowering his voice. “You got the goods?”

“Stop making it sound like we’re doing drugs over here, Nagachika. Take your damn books.”

Hide laughed and gratefully accepted the textbooks. “Thanks guys, you’re lifesavers,” he said.

“Yeah whatever, just don’t flake on the next committee meeting.”

“I won’t!” he called after them as they left. “Yay, textbooks.” Just then his phone rang- he checked caller I.D. before answering.

“Hey buddy, what’s up?” he asked.

“ _Where are you?”_ came Kaneki’s voice.

“I just finished meeting some classmates,” Hide replied. “Didn’t you see the note I left?”

“ _I saw it… I just wanted to make sure.”_ There was a moment of silence when neither of them said anything, then Kaneki asked, “ _Are you still at the café?_ ”

Ah, so that was it. “I got you cake,” offered Hide.

“ _…Chocolate?”_

“With sprinkles,” he confirmed. “Did you doubt me?”

“ _I just wanted to make sure!”_ Kaneki repeated defensively.

“Yes, yes. I’ll be home soon, ‘kay?”

“ _…Okay.”_

* * *

 

> _Dude- help!_

Hide raised his eyebrows in surprise. Takizawa rarely contacted him first- usually it was the other way around, with Hide texting to bother him about one thing or another. So when he received this particular message, he knew something was up.

> _???_

> _you know chie’s creepy friend with the purple hair? He’s been hanging around the building all day and I’m kinda scared to leave._

At that, Hide couldn’t help but laugh. Kaneki looked up from the book he was reading and cocked his head in question. “It’s nothing,” he reassured him, hurrying to reply.

> _Come on, he’s not that bad._

> _Says you! Just get over here and get rid of him._

Hide smirked, but gave in and wrote back,

> _Be there in 10_

Kaneki blinked at him curiously and Hide held up his phone in response. “Gotta go pick up a friend from work,” he explained. “You know Takizawa, right?” Kaneki thought for a minute and then nodded. “Yeah, well, he’s being a scaredy-cat so I have to deal with it.”

“But he has other friends, right? Why do you have to do it?”

Hide sighed resignedly. “Because unfortunately, I’m friends with the problem, too.”

“…Oh.” By that point they both knew exactly who he was talking about. Kaneki had met all of Hide’s friends at least once, and the Tsukiyama was by far the most questionable. He wasn’t a _bad_ person, just a little too… flamboyant for Kaneki to be comfortable around him. “Okay then,” he said going back to his books.  “Good luck.”

Hide laughed again and flicked Kaneki on the forehead. “I expect a hero’s welcome when I get back,” he said.

 

> _I’m here, where is he?_

> _main lobby_

> _Wait, so then where are you??_

>…..

> _Takizawa?_

> _… Security guards office. Don’t judge._

Hide grinned at the image of Takizawa hiding in the dimly-lit room, watching Tsukiyama’s movements through security monitors. Looking up he spotted a camera and waved to it. A second later he received another text.

> _Not funny. Just get on with it._

“Right, right. Let’s see…” Locating Tsukiyama was ridiculously easy. Which Hide knew was intentional, because Tsukiyama loved drawing attention to himself. Sighing, he raised a hand and walked over.

“Hey, Tsukiyama. What’re you doing here?”

“Oh…?” Tsukiyama turned around with a look of surprise. “Hideyoshi! I feel it has been ages since we met last. To what do I owe this fortuitous meeting? Could it perhaps be… fate?”

Oh yeah. There was a reason they didn’t hang out much. “Right, uh... no, actually, I’m just here because…” _How do I put this nicely?_ “You’re scaring people.”

“Scaring people? _Moi?_ ” Tsukiyama seemed almost taken aback, but recovered remarkably fast. “Oh my, you may be right. I often forget how intimidating my superior sense of style can be to the unenlightened. You must forgive me.”

“Um… sure.” So he was in _that_ mood today. Sometimes he was actually somewhat reasonable, albeit a little eccentric. Other times, though, he threw all limitations out the window and ended up like… this. Normally Hide didn’t mind as long as Chie did most of the talking, but he was on his own this time. “Hey, uh, actually? Can I talk to you for a minute?”

“Why of course, _mon ami_. What is it that you need?”

Hide swallowed. _Not sure where I’m going with this…_ “Uh, how about we go outside. For talking. You know.” _You seriously owe me, Takizawa._ Once he had gotten Tsukiyama out of the building, he had to think of something to ask him or he’d get suspicious. “Have you… have you seen Chie around lately?”

Well, it was something.

“The little mouse? No, I can’t say that I have. She is as free as a bird, you know, never one to be pinned down. If I were to follow her every move, she would lose that wonderful air of mystery that she carries about her!” _And make you a stalker,_ Hide didn’t add.

“Oh, darn. She was picking up some information for me, but I haven’t seen her all week. Wonder if she forgot…” To his surprise, Tsukiyama’s gaze sharpened.

“You? The drifter has asked my little mouse for information? Oh my, this must be quite the serious case. Do tell me more, would you?” Hide bristled at Tsukiyama’s nickname for him, but brushed it off as best he could.

“It’s nothing, really. Just trying to take care of Kaneki and I thought she might be able to help. It was her idea, anyways.”

“So the drifter has contacted the mouse in hopes of preserving his precious flower, hmm…?” His eyes narrowed, but a moment later he was back to his usual flamboyant self. “What a marvelous story this would make! I must ask Hori to provide me with all the details. Farewell, _mon ami_! Until we meet again.” And with that he was gone, and Hide was left with no idea as to what had just happened. As usual,

 

> _Is he gone?_

> _Yeah. You owe me big time._

> _I know, sorry. I’ll buy you a drink from the vending machine._

> _Sweet! Coming up now._

Hide took the elevator up to the fifth floor where he knew Takizawa worked. The brunette was leaning against the wall next to the soda machine, and looked up when the doors opened.

“I don’t know how you put up with him,” he said with a sigh. Hide laughed and shrugged.

“Natural talent? I dunno, it’s not like he’s a bad guy. Just…” he waved his hands around for a second before giving up on trying to find the words to describe Tsukiyama Shuu.

“Pokari?” asked Takizawa, changing the subject. He pointed to the machine in question.

“Hell yeah!” Hide grabbed the can excitedly and flicked it open in one well-practiced movement. “Aah, it was all worth it,” he sighed.

“You are seriously the weirdest person I know. Also why do you have ‘penguins’ written on your hand?”

Hide glanced down. “Oh yeah, that. I forgot. Hey, you wouldn’t happen to know what a ‘penguindrum’ is, would you?”

He didn’t know what sort of a reaction he was expecting, but it was not the one he got. Takizawa went silent and looked as if he was conflicted about something. He shifted his gaze away awkwardly, chewing on his lip. “I… uh, I’d… Try maybe asking someone else? I’ve never really heard of that before, so… I wouldn’t be much help. Sorry.”

Hide blinked. “O…kay? Hey, don’t sweat it. I don’t know anything either, so it’s no big deal. Just thought I’d ask.”

“Yeah. No, it’s fine, just… yeah. Sorry.” They both stood there uncertainly for a second, before Hide cleared his throat and said,

“Look, I gotta get back to Kaneki, so… see you later?”

“Huh?” Takizawa looked up, momentarily confused. “Oh, right. See you.” Hide turned back to the elevator, which opened just before he could press the button. Akira and Amon stepped out, nodding in recognition of Hide’s presence. He almost asked them if they knew anything about the penguindrum, but he didn’t miss the looks they exchanged with Takizawa. _That’s not suspicious at all,_ the thought on the way down. _Nope. Not even a little bit._

* * *

 

“Ooh, so he’s beginning to ask questions, is he?”

“Isn’t that amusing. He has no idea what he’s getting into, does he.”

“None at all, I’m afraid. But that makes it all the better, wouldn’t you say?”

“I do wonder how the _other_ is handling all of this though. Maybe we could ask ______ to be a dear and find out…”

“Haha! It going to get even better from now on, isn’t it?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For the record, that Russian penguin video is real. I get the weirdest things in my search history while writing this story. Seriously, check it out: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mx1GyzH_mOg


	4. Risky Survival Strategy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What do you think of the word "fate"? Does the concept of fate exist in reality? To put it simply, are people's futures set in stone when they are born, never to be challenged? Do you believe in such a rule? -Sanetoshi

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Things begin to get a little more complicated here and the characters keep showing up. Have fun!

“That’s the science department- I’ve never really been in there, but it’s where all the tech stuff is if you wanna check it out later. The arts buildings are on the other side of campus, unfortunately, so we probably won’t get there today. Dorms are in that tall building over there- see it?”

Kaneki nodded, then pulled on Hide’s sleeve. “What’s that one?” he asked, pointing.

“Hmm? Oh, that’s one of the dining halls for on-campus students. It’s actually pretty good, for school food.”

“Oh…” Kaneki got a whimsical look on his face. “Living at school must be so weird. I can’t even begin to imagine what it would be like. I’d be too scared.”

Hide hummed in agreement, taking the black-haired boy’s hand in his own. Kaneki smiled and leaned in close as they continued their tour of the campus. Hide didn’t have any classes until later that day, so he thought it would be a great opportunity to show him around. Kaneki had readily agreed, exited to begin seeing how life as an independent could be. He ran from place to place, pointing at various aspects of the school and asking questions. What he really wanted was to look at one of the lecture halls, but they had to wait until the afternoon rolled around.

“Hmmm…? Hey, what’s that?” Hide followed Kaneki’s finger towards a tree growing in the middle of the open square. It had been decorated with ribbons and paper cutouts.  

“Dunno,” he said. “One of the art students’ projects maybe? We could ask-” but Kaneki had already run ahead to examine it closer. He was just about to follow when a hand tapped him on the back. Turning, he saw Chie looking up at him.

“You brought Kaneki-kun with you today, huh?” she commented. “He’s doing better then?”

“Huh? Oh, yeah, he’s been great. Did you need something, or…?”

Chie tilted her head and regarded him, reaching into her bag and pulling out a slip of paper. “I found this,” she said, unfolding it and handing it to him. He accepted it and examined it quizzically. _Helter Skelter, xxxxx 14 th ward. _

“I don’t get it,” he said, checking the other side. There was the sketch Chie had drawn of the hat earlier. “Is this supposed to help me with the hat thing?”

“In theory,” she responded, leaning to the side in order to look past him. “Is it okay if I take some pictures of Kaneki-kun?”

Caught off guard, it took Hide a moment to figure out how to reply. “Uh, sure, I guess. If it’s okay with him, I don’t mind. But how is this supposed to help me?”

“It’s a place,” Chie answered, stepping around him. “I didn’t particularly feel like paying for their information, but they assured me that they’ll be able to answer your questions. Hey, Kaneki-kun! Can I take your photo?”

As the two of them began talking Hide looked at the piece of paper again. _Helter Skelter, huh?_

* * *

 

_Thinking about it, it’d probably be better to go after Kaneki’s fallen asleep,_ Hide decided. He’d looked up the location once they got back home and found out that it was a bar, and didn’t close until three in the morning. _Plenty of time to get there and find out what I need to know._ He glanced over to where Kaneki was sitting, sorting through pictures. Chie had given him some as thanks for letting her photograph him. Most of them were of random scenery, plants and animals, but every once and a while there would be a shot of people. Even if they were a little out of focus, it was evident that the photographer had a good eye. There were stories in those pictures.

“Hey Hide, look!” Kaneki held up one of the photos for him to see. To his surprise, it was of the two of them, Kaneki draping himself over Hide’s shoulders and laughing as the blond boy tried to pull him off. It had been taken at Hide’s graduation ceremony.

“Hey, I remember that,” he said, sitting and looking over Kaneki’s shoulder. The smaller boy scooted back a bit so that Hide’s legs were wrapped around him, fitting his head under his chin. Hide smiled and brought his arms around as well, nuzzling Kaneki’s neck. The other giggled and squirmed, but Hide held him tight so that he couldn’t escape.

“S-stop it!” Kaneki gasped, flailing.

“Noo,” said Hide evilly. “Not until you accept my love!” Kaneki squealed and they both fell over sideways laughing. For a minute they just lay there trying to catch their breath, until one or the other would giggle and set them both off again. Finally they settled down and Hide began running his fingers through Kaneki’s hair. Kaneki sighed in contentment and snuggled closer to him, closing his eyes.

“You’re warm…” he murmured.

“You smell nice,” Hide responded. He’d just gotten out of the bath recently and the scent of shampoo lingered in his hair- “Flowery.”

“Mmm… I’m getting sleepy. Can you read to me?”

“Of course,” Hide smiled. “Why don’t you go get in bed and I’ll put these away and be there in a minute, okay?” He gestured to the scattered photographs lying on the floor around them. Kaneki nodded and wandered off towards his bedroom. Hide quickly shuffled the pictures into a pile and set them on the table, pausing to look again at the shot of the two of them. He picked from off of the pile and slid it into his pocket before heading off to join Kaneki.

When he got there, Kaneki was not sitting in bed as expected, but standing with his back to the door in complete darkness. “Kaneki?” asked Hide, flicking on the light. “Are you oka-”

Oh.

“ _Survival strategy!!!_ ”

* * *

 

“Listen here, lowlife.” The white-haired Kaneki was back, and apparently hadn’t learned any manners during his absence. “You must acquire the Penguindrum.”

“Look, I’m working on it,” Hide defended himself. “You haven’t given me very much to work with, you know. A little help would be nice.”

White-haired Kaneki considered. “I myself do not know where the Penguindrum is at the moment, nor what form it has taken. It may have changed hands any number of times before now. The one who had it last, however, would not have given it up so easily as that.”

“Did you know this guy? Or no, wait,” he backtracked. “What _is_ it? It’s something that can change form, but what does it do? Why do I need it?”

White-haired Kaneki looked down at him disdainfully. “The Penguindrum is a device to transcend fate itself. This boy is currently destined to die unless you decide to alter his course. To do so, you must acquire the Penguindrum. As for its current possessor…” Hide waited expectantly, sincerely hoping that this wasn’t going to be another time where the personalities randomly switched out and he never got an answer to his question. “He is one with whom I was once familiar.

“His name is…”

* * *

 

Unfortunately, Hide had not accounted for getting lost in his calculations. He’d gotten to the 14th ward without any problems, but since then he’d been wandering the alleyways hopelessly in search of the bar. It didn’t help that the place didn’t have an exact address, either.

“It’s around here somewhere,” he muttered for the twelfth time. “Where _are_ you…?” after another circuit or two, he finally spotted someone moving farther into the labyrinth. “Excuse me,” he called. “Do you know where the bar Helter Skelter is?” The man turned around and glared at him suspiciously.

“Who wants to know?” he demanded. Immediately Hide got the sense that this wasn’t someone he wanted to mess with.

“I’m looking for some information,” he explained. “An… acquaintance of mine said that for the right price, I’d be able to find it there. But I got lost on the way. So if you can tell me how to get there…” The man scrutinized him critically before appearing to come to a conclusion.

“That alley,” he said, pointing. “Then another left and down.” He brushed past before Hide could say thank you. Hide frowned for a moment, but shrugged it off and followed his instructions.

“Left and… down,” he repeated as he turned a corner. At first he couldn’t tell how this part was any different from the rest of the maze-like system, but he finally spotted a set of stairs leading to a dark red door. _No wonder I didn’t notice it,_ he thought. _It’s pretty much underground_.

_...Oh joy._

Steeling himself, he took the few steps and hesitantly opened the door. The interior of the bar was lit with tinted lights and the air seemed slightly hazy. A few patrons looked up when he entered, narrowing their eyes suspiciously before going back to their drinks. In the back of his mind Hide noticed that there was no bouncer, but wasn’t sure what to make of it. _Regardless, this is definitely a shady place. Chie, what have you gotten me into?_

“Hi there,” said someone next to him. He blinked and looked over at a young woman with pinkish hair- or was that just the lighting?- watching him from behind the counter. When he didn’t respond immediately she laughed and beckoned him over. “I’m Itori,” she said. “I run this place. Can we help you with something? Drink? Talk? Something… _else_?”

Deliberately ignoring her insinuation, Hide grabbed the paper Chie had given him from his back pocket. “I was wondering if you know anything about what this is?” he asked. Itori took it from him and looked at it curiously.

“Well,” she said. “If I had to guess, I’d say it’s a hat.” Hide frowned and she laughed again. “I’m kidding, kidding. Sort of. But let me think… I might try talking to Souta over there if you want.” She gestured to a black-haired man sitting in the corner with a couple others. Hide was about to get up when she stopped him. “Hold up a second,” she said, sliding him a glass of red liquid. He looked at it uncertainly.

“Um... but the price…” he tried. He hadn’t brought enough money to pay for anything more than information. Itori laughed yet again, a sound he was beginning to associate with bad things.

“Oh sweetie,” she said smilingly. “This _is_ the price.”

* * *

 

_This was definitely not one of my best ideas_ , Hide decided after he had finished the entire glass of wine. He wasn’t sure if he was really drunk or not, but he certainly felt it. _It’s fine,_ he told himself. _I just have to get what I came for then I can go home and sleep it off._ He checked to make sure Souta was still there and finally made his way over. Souta glanced at him as he reached the table, then smiled. “Well, it’s not often that the hostess sends people _my_ way,” he commented. “How curious.”

Hide hesitated before sitting down and clearing his throat. “I, uh… I’ve been looking for someone who know what this is?” he said, showing him the paper. Souta looked at it and tilted his head.

“It’s a hat,” he said, handing the paper back.

“I know,” Hide frowned, not sure why everyone he asked made the same joke. “But what does it do?”

“Well, typically hats sit on people’s heads.” He was still smiling, clearly enjoying himself. Hide sighed and tried a different tactic.

“Fine then. Have you heard of anything called a penguindrum?”

That got a reaction. A small one, but he noticed- Souta’s smile faltered for just a second.  “A Penguindrum,” he mused. “Yes, I may just have heard of that before. But then again, who can say? Just because I remember it doesn’t mean it really happened.” It was really getting tiring how nobody gave a straight answer to anything around here, Hide decided. He motioned for Souta to go on, but the other man just laughed. “Fate,” he said. “It’s such a funny concept, isn’t it? No matter what we do, it doesn’t really matter because our fates are predetermined.”

He leaned back in his chair and looked Hide in the eye. “Tell me, Hide-kun,” he intoned. “Do you really believe that such a thing exists…?”

The combination of alcohol, lighting, smoke and Souta’s evasive nature were really not working for him. “I’m done here,” he declared, standing. Unfortunately he had misjudged how much the wine in his bloodstream would affect his coordination, and he nearly fell over. A grunt behind him told him that he’d run into another patron, and he turned to apologize when suddenly there was a shout from across the bar.

“What’re you tryin’ to sell?!” shouted an obviously very drunk woman. He threw her glass to the floor and tried to punch the man sitting next to her. The rest of the bar seemed mildly amused at the scuffle, but Hide just wanted to get home and the extra volume really wasn’t helping.

“Shut up,” he muttered, rubbing his temples and trying to make his way to the exit. In any other situation he may have made it. But this time the man he’d run into earlier decided to take offence at his comment and before he knew what had happened, he was pinned against one of the tables.

_You’ve got to be kidding me,_ he despaired inwardly. The guy above him was shouting something, but he wasn’t really listening. At this point, be didn’t even care about getting beaten up. He just wanted it to be over and done with so he could finally leave.

“Hey asshole,” came a voice to the left. “That one’s mine. Piss of, yeah?” Hide opened his eyes and saw a girl with purple hair glaring down the man who had attacked him. Before he could say anything she had grabbed his arm and dragged him out of the bar. Once they were both outside she let go and looked at him disdainfully. “You’re hopeless,” she said bluntly. “And you owe me big time for that, by the way.”

Hide blinked a few times, still trying to clear his head and process all that had just happened. Finally his gaze landed on the girl before him, and he raised his eyebrows in surprise.

“Touka-chan?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love writing fluff. Mainly because my default mode is "I need a hug," and I want someone to cuddle with, but I'm also awkward and have no social life. So I write fluff and get second-hand warm fuzzies from that.   
> .... What is my life?


	5. Private Girl

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You can’t come near the transfers. You’ll lose things important to you as payment. –Momoka

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wherein we get to learn a little bit about Touka and Hide's past! It's a bit disjointed, but it kinda has to be like that because I don't want to give away everything at once.

The adults were in another meeting again. Normally she didn’t mind that much, but it was getting boring.

With a sigh, Touka looked out the window. That boy was outside again, wandering in circles and talking to himself. She watched him for a while disinterestedly, wondering if maybe his parents just left him to do as he pleased. It would be nice, she decided, to be allowed to go places she liked. Cautiously she glanced over at her mother and father sat, then down at Ayato on the floor beside her. He wouldn’t mind if she left for just a little while, right? Another glance out the window- he was still there, now lying on his back and looking at the sky.

_Just for a little bit…_ she told herself, and slipped out the door.

* * *

 

“Hey,” she said, looking down at him. “What’re you doing?”

The boy opened his eyes and tilted his head. “I’m _thinking_ ,” he said, as if it were obvious. Touka frowned at him.

“That’s a stupid thing to be doing,” she stated.

“Is it?” He sat up and looked at her more closely, his brown eyes wide and curious. “You’re the Kirishima’s daughter, right? How come you’re here?”

She crossed her arms. “I’m here because I chose to be. You’re the one being weird- who just lays around _thinking_ about stuff?”

He considered. “I do, I guess. I’m Hide, by the way.” He held out a hand and she looked it suspiciously before grudgingly taking it.

“…Touka,” she said. Hide grinned and stood up suddenly, catching her off guard.

“That’s great!” he said. “Hey, can you help me with something? There’s a story whose ending I’ve been trying to remember, but I just can’t for some reason. Do you know the story of Mary and the apple tree?...”  

* * *

They met more often after that, since their parents were always busy. Hide didn’t seem to think much of it, but to Touka it was liberating. She had never had so much freedom before in her life- it wasn’t so much that her parents were strict, just that as their oldest child she was expected to be responsible and she took her duties very seriously. Hide acted like he couldn’t care less about the expectations, and it was exiting. He talked a lot about random things, jumping from topic to topic without any real logic to it. She never really listened, but would nod along if he asked her questions. What she really cared about was the thrill of being outside.

It took a long time for her to finally venture outside the perimeter of the organization’s compound wall, but she got there eventually. Hide had been nagging her about being boring, so at first it had just been to get him to shut up, then she found out that the world was a much bigger place than she had previously thought.  She was always sure to make it back before the meetings ended so that her parents didn’t worry, though, since it wouldn’t do any good to cause them trouble just because she was curious.

* * *

 

Sometimes Hide would disappear for a while, and when she asked him where he’d gone he would respond with “Visiting a friend.” She didn’t know what to make of that, but he never gave any further explanation. Once she tried following him, and found him in a stairwell in one of the unused buildings. There was a small lump under a blanket next to him with its head resting in his lap. She was going to say something, but he saw her first and held his finger up to his mouth with a small smile.

“So which ones are your parents?” she asked as they peered through the window. Hide squinted for a second and then pointed to the couple on stage.  Touka looked at him in surprise. “You’re _their_ kid? You don’t look anything like them.”

Hide tilted his head. “I guess I don’t,” he said.

* * *

 

The meetings started decreasing in frequency. In some ways she was glad, but now that her parents weren’t focused on whatever they talked about when they all got together they had a lot more time to be watching after her. They picked up on her education and her life began to fall into a boring routine again. She was given time to play, but they always made her take Ayato with her. That meant she couldn’t wander very far, and inevitably she would just end up sitting on the swings watching as he drew pictures in the dirt.

The men on the news said something serious had happened. Her Mother and Father wouldn’t stop talking about it, even if they thought they were being discreet. She heard them whispering about it late into the night after they thought she had gone to asleep.

“Are we in danger?” she asked them once, but they smiled at her and said it was nothing to worry about. She nodded, but she didn’t believe them.

* * *

 

The last time she saw Hide, he was walking along the side of the road in the early morning. He was carrying another boy on his back, and he looked at her in surprise.

“Where… where are you going?” she asked desperately.

“…Away,” he told her, not meeting her eyes. “It’ll be bad for Kaneki if we stay there any longer, so I’m taking him somewhere safe.” She frowned, balling her hands into fists. Part of her expected him to turn back and say it was a joke or something, but that never happened.

“Traitor,” she muttered to his receding back.

* * *

 

Years later she had decided that she didn’t care. She had someone she had to take care of, and worrying about her childhood wasn’t going to get her anywhere. Meeting him at the bar had been a total coincidence, but she knew that they had both been there for a reason.

“Hinami,” she called quietly as she pushed open the door to her apartment. “I’m home.” The girl in the penguin hat turned and regarded her with cool red eyes.

“You must acquire the Penguindrum,” she stated. Touka sank to her knees at the girl’s feet and dropped her head.

“I’m trying,” she whispered, clutching onto her skirt. “Just tell me what I have to do to save her.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, how many of you guys are keeping up with the manga? Chapter 125 was pretty exiting, wasn't it? Personally I'm really happy about it, because in the context of canon I feel like those two really should be together. I definitely still ship Hidekane, but I don't think their relationship could be a romantic one unless the circumstances were different. Then again, that's what AUs and fanfics are for!


	6. The Wheel That Spins Us 'Round

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I love the word "fate". Because, you know how they talk about "fated encounters"? A single encounter can completely change your life. Such special encounters are not just coincidences. They're definitely... fate. Of course, life is not all happy encounters. There are many painful, sad moments. But this is what I think: sad and painful things definitely happen for a reason. Nothing in this world is pointless. –Ringo

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some more stuff happens! This is a fairly mundane chapter, but things start picking up again in the next one.

“Onee-chan, you should wake up!” Hinami said, gently shaking her shoulder. Touka grumbled but rolled over and faced her sister. “I made breakfast,” the younger girl said with a smile.

“Oh yeah…?” Touka rubbed her head and sat up tiredly. “Thanks, sweetie.” She followed Hinami to their small kitchen area and the two of them ate breakfast. The whole time Hinami was practically bouncing out of her seat as she grinned to herself.  After putting their dishes in the sink, Touka finally caved.

“Okay, what’s got you so excited today? You’re all over the place this morning.”

Hinami smiled wider and held up a book. “I finished reading _Monochrome Rainbow_ last night!” she declared proudly. Touka looked up in surprise.

“Already? Wow, I’m impressed. I doubt _I_ could have read the whole thing that quickly. Looks like we’re due for another trip to the library, aren’t we?” Hinami’s face lit up even more at the prospect. It was sweet how something so simple could make her so happy, and yet it did.

“Sure, why not?” Touka replied. “We can go this afternoon once I get back from school, okay?”

“Yay!” Hinami cheered, and went to collect the books she had checked out the last time.

* * *

 

If she was being completely honest, Touka wasn’t really listening as Hinami rambled on about the stories she’d read. It wasn’t that she didn’t care, but no matter how hard she tried she had never been able to follow all of the intricacies the way Hinami did. Besides, she was feeling sort of distracted that day.

_It’s_ his _fault_ , she repeated in her head. _If it weren’t for him, Hinami wouldn’t be…!_

“Onee-chan, how many books can I get this time?” Touka snapped out of her internal monologue and re-focused on the present.

“Oh, let me think… you finished those last ones so fast, after all. Why don’t you go pick out what you want and we’ll see how many that adds up to, okay?” Hinami nodded and ran off between the shelves. Once she was out of sight, Touka let out a sigh and sat down.

_Don’t even think about it,_ she told herself. _Just focus on something else. There’s that biology test coming up next week and I still haven’t studied for it. Let’s think about that for now._ Not that it was really anything she _wanted_ to think about, but Hinami was always nagging her about keeping her grades up and so she complied. _She should be going to school too, though. She’s better suited for it._ With that thought she got up and walked over to the help desk.

“Hi, I was wondering if you had any supplementary textbooks or something? Like, for about middle school?” The librarian nodded and pointed.

“Reference materials are on the third floor,” she said. “Everything from elementary through to college-level’s up there.” Touka gave a quick ‘thank-you’ and went to find the stairs.

_It’s the least I can do,_ she decided. _It’s not fair for someone as smart as her to be cut off from all of this stuff. Just because she’s sick…_ No, she wasn’t going down that path again. She was doing something good for Hinami, and she was damn well going to be happy while doing it.

_Oh wow, that’s a lot of the same book,_ was her first thought upon reaching the third floor. Aesthetically speaking, it was hard to decide if the effect was pleasing or disorienting- rows and rows of the same color, alternating in large blocks as the subject changed. She decided on just sort of weird before heading over to the middle school section.  _What classes did I take in middle school?_ she tried to remember. _Literature… history…science? And math, can’t forget math._ She grabbed books off of the shelf as she checked the subjects in her head until she ended up with a whole armful. “Geez, these are freaking heavy,” she complained under her breath. She decided to set them down on a table for a second, but the top few took that moment to slip off of the pile and onto the floor.

“Oh, shit,” she muttered, bending over to pick them up. Another hand got there before her, though, and placed the fallen books on the table beside the others. 

“Thanks,” she said, looking up at the one who had helped her. He looked vaguely familiar, but she couldn’t think of why. There was nothing particularly noteworthy about him- everything from his hair to his clothes was pretty ordinary.

“No, it’s fine,” he replied, waving her off. “I’ve had that problem a lot.”

“Huh.” Touka wasn’t good at small talk. Actually, she was really, really bad at it. So instead she blurted out the first thing that came to her mind.

“How come you’re in the kid’s section?”

He blinked for a moment and she thought, _Well, I’m here too, so that was sort of a stupid question…_ but then he laughed.

“Oh, I guess it might be weird, huh? I never went to school much, so Hide said it would be good for me to start with easier stuff.”

Touka stopped. _Hide?_ _As in… there’s no way that he’s…_

“Kaneki,” came another voice from around the corner. “You find anything?” The blond boy stepped into view and met eyes with Touka.

“Oh,” she said.

_...The one from back then._

* * *

 

“Oh.” Hide had to agree with her. Meeting that one time at the bar had been unexpected, but both of them had silently resolved to pretend it hadn’t happened. Now, though…

This was awkward.

“Hey, how’s it going?” he asked brightly, as if there was no tension between them. Touka blinked a couple times, but she caught the way his arm was wrapped protectively around Kaneki and understood.

“It’s been fine,” she managed. “School’s a killer, but whatever.” She went to grab her books, hoping that the conversation could end there and she could get back to Hinami.

It didn’t. Kaneki leaned into Hide and looked at her from the corner of his eyes. “Hide, are you friends? How come I don’t know her?” Hide and Touka swallowed simultaneously. Of all the questions he could have asked, the ‘friends’ question was one of the worst.

“Oh, uh… we knew each other as kids, but after we moved we kinda lost contact,” Hide explained. “I would have introduced you way earlier otherwise, okay? Promise.” Kaneki pouted, but he nodded in acceptance.

“I’m Kaneki,” he said, looking at Touka. “What’s your name?”

“Uh… Touka,” she said awkwardly, really not wanting to be there right now.

“Touka… Touka-chan! Is that okay?”

“Yeah, sure whatever.” She made a second go for her books and actually managed to get them in her arms this time. “Look, it’s been great seeing you, but I have a bunch of work to do so…” Slowly she began backing out of the aisle. Just as she was about to make her escape, though, she heard light footsteps behind her.

“Onee-chan? Where did you go?”

Hinami. She loved her to death, but the girl had the worst timing sometimes. “Oh, nowhere,” she smiled. “Look, I’m getting you some more books so you can learn the things they teach in school. What do you think?” Hinami smiled brightly and hugged her sister.

“Really? Thank you so much, Onee-chan!” After Touka nearly dropped the entire stack on her, Hinami finally let go and looked behind the older girl. “Hmm? Onee-chan, are these friends of yours?”

_For the love of god…_ “Umm, yeah, these are my friends. You know what, why don’t you and Kaneki hang out for a little while? I need to talk to Hide about something.” She looked at him pointedly and all but shoved Hinami towards the one with black hair. The two of them looked confused for a moment, but quickly accepted her excuse at face value and moved on.

Once Touka and Hide were alone, she slammed him up against a wall and glared. “ _You_ ,” she hissed. “What do you think you’re doing here?”

The blond tried to hold up his arms in a gesture of peace but they were trapped by his sides. “It’s a coincidence, I swear. Kaneki’s trying to get caught up so he can go to college- that’s all.” Touka didn’t stop glaring, but she did let go of him. They stood in silence for several moments, each one trying to see through to the other’s intentions.

“…You’re looking for _it_ too, aren’t you,” she said eventually. It wasn’t a question. “That’s why you were at the bar.” Hide nodded, relaxing a little.

“For him?” He nodded again.

“…You’re pathetic.” No response. “You had everything, and you left it for him. I lost all of it. My family; my life; I didn’t have a choice. And yet you have the balls to pretend like life is _so unfair_ to you? You don’t know anything. Okay? So just stay away from us. We may have been friends once, but I’m not going to help you save him. I have my own priorities now.”

Hide didn’t say anything. He had been silent throughout her entire rant, and for some reason that really annoyed her. Finally he drew in a breath and sighed.

“I know. I chose this for myself, so I don’t really have the right to complain about anything. But Kaneki _didn’t_ chose, he didn’t have a choice, and I’m not going to let him go that easily. Okay? I can’t. I can’t do that!” He looked at her pleadingly, trying to get her to understand. She crossed her arms, regarding him steadily.

“…I know what it’s like to care about someone,” she told him. “I know what it’s like to want to protect them. That doesn’t mean I feel sorry for you. If it comes down to it, I _will_ choose her over him. Do you understand that?”

“I do. I’ll stay out of your way and you’ll stay out of mine, that’s all I’m asking. We’ll play friends if we have to, and then we’ll go back to ignoring each other. Okay?”

Touka narrowed her eyes at him, obviously skeptical.  “Kaneki is the most important thing in my entire life,” he contended. “I’m not so stupid as to think that I could pick a fight with you without getting him involved somehow, and you know that I’m not willing to risk that. I just want for us to be able to live in peace without worrying about all of this. It’s gotta be the same for you, right?”

She looked him up and down and decided that he was telling the truth. There was something still bothering her, though.

“How many lies have you fed him, exactly?” Hide blanched, inhaling sharply.

“…What do you mean?” he asked, defensively.

“You ‘moved’?” she scoffed. “Please. I get that there are some things you’d rather not tell him, but if he finds out you’re gonna be in a shit-ton of trouble.” She watched him carefully, curious as to what his reaction would be.

“He won’t find out,” he said flatly. “He doesn’t need to know.” For a moment, the briefest flash of time, his eyes were sharp and cold. Touka felt something familiar about that look, but she couldn’t place where she’d seen it before. In any case, it was gone almost immediately, leaving no sign of anything in its wake.

* * *

 

“…never heard of that one! What’s it about?” Touka and Hide walked back in to Hinami and Kaneki eagerly talking to each other about books.

“It’s one of the more recent ones,” he was saying. “It’s a little dark, but I like it a lot- there’s this serial killer who’s committed all these horrible crimes, but the main character is her son, and it’s about him trying to be a good person with all this bad stuff going on around him.”

Hinami’s eyes widened. “That sounds super amazing!” She sighed wistfully, closing her eyes. “All of Takatsuki-sensei’s work is so _good_ ,” she gushed. “I wish I was that good at writing. Oh, welcome back Onee-chan.”

Kaneki looked over at them and smiled. “Hide!” he said, standing. “Guess what, Hinami-chan likes Takatsuki Sen too!”  Hide smiled at him.

“Oh yeah? That’s great, now you have someone who actually understands your weird nerd obsession.” He knew it was mean, but he couldn’t help laughing at Kaneki’s pouting face. “Joking, joking. It’s sweet.” He pushed their noses together and grinned at the small squeak Kaneki made. Meanwhile Touka had been talking to Hinami and the two of them were getting up to leave.

“Bye-bye, Onii-chan,” said the younger girl, waving. Kaneki waved back, then paused as if he were thinking.

“If you want, I can let you borrow that book the next time?” he suggested. Neither he nor Hinami noticed the way Hide and Touka grimaced at the mention of a ‘next time,’ and continued talking excitedly. Finally Hide had to take Kaneki by the shoulders and begin pulling him away.

“It’s great that you two are friends, but we have to leave before the library closes, okay?” Kaneki whined a little bit but allowed himself to be dragged back down the stairs.

“That was fun,” he said once there were on the street again. “Can we do it again sometime?”

Hide hesitated. He would rather they not cross paths with Touka again, but Kaneki had had so much fun… besides, he’d never really made any friends before and Hide didn’t want to be the one to take that away from him. So he swallowed his pride and smiled at his best friend.

“Sure,” he said.

* * *

 

“Oh god, that’s hilarious! That really happened?”

“It does make sense that he wouldn’t share anything. The poor boy’s so secretive with his personal life.”

“It would be a shame if it were any other way, though- wouldn’t you say?”

“Naturally. There’s no point in a story where everything falls into place on the first go.”

“Speaking of, isn’t it about time _that_ happened? You did say so, after all.”

“I did, didn’t I? Well, everything in its due time, my dear. It doesn’t do to rush these things.”

“Hmm, I guess. But still, I wish they’d just hurry up with it…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ooh, confrontation! Also I realized that Hide seems a tiny bit Yandere here, but that's not how it is, I swear! Haha, probably... I don't even know anymore.


	7. The Beautiful Casket

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> None of you will ever escape the curse, as I could not. Residents of the boxes like you could never gain anything. You will all simply disappear without leaving anything behind in this world. You won't even leave a fleck of dust behind- you will never be happy! -Sanetoshi

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter's a bit short, but it's important.

“Oh, this one’s good…” mused Kaneki. He was sitting on his bedroom floor going over stacks of books, sorting and re-sorting them with a look of intense concentration. Hide was leaning against the doorframe watching with a bemused smile on his face. A few more minutes passed before he finally spoke up.

“Kaneki, don’t you think you should take a break? You’ve been at this all morning.” Kaneki tilted his head back to look at him, then looked to the side.

“I wanna make sure I pick good ones, though…” he mumbled. Hide sighed and sat down next to him, looking at the piles around him.

“For Hinami-chan, right? Let’s see… she’s fourteen? That’s a tough age to pin down. You said she likes Takatsuki Sen though, right?” Kaneki nodded sullenly.

“But I don’t knowww…” he whined. “She already read a bunch of ‘em, so I don’t know what to do. She said I’m her brother! So I gotta pick something good… but I don’t know what she’d like!” He looked at Hide with genuine distress written across his face, and Hide put his hands on his shoulders.

“Hey, it’s okay,” he said soothingly. “I’m sure that if you just pick something _you_ like, she’ll like it too. Okay?” Kaneki bit his lip and suddenly flopped over onto Hide’s lap.

“Now I am depressed,” he stated. “I can’t pick when I’m depressed.”

Hide sighed and began rubbing circles on Kaneki’s back. “Want me to help?” he asked kindly. Kaneki shifted a little and nodded. “You’re gonna have to get up, then,” Hide nudged him. He shook his head and wrapped his arms around Hide.

“Cuddle first,” he said. Hide raised an eyebrow.

“I thought you were all serious about being a brother?” he asked.

“Mmm… yes. But. Not now. I have lost motivation.”

Hide laughed. “And I’m sure that has nothing to do with me rubbing your back, right?”

“…Nope.”

He sighed a little bit, and hoisted Kaneki upright. The smaller boy leaned into him, drooping his head over his shoulder. Hide switched hands to free his right side and began sorting through books while holding Kaneki close with his left. Kaneki hummed in contentment and nuzzled further into Hide’s neck.

“You’re like a cat, you know that?” Hide asked him, shifting to reach for another one of Kaneki’s plies. A few minutes of deliberation later, he poked the other’s cheek and showed him his selection. “Look good?” he asked. Kaneki blinked at the stack of books for a moment before nodding.

“Great. Now we’re just gonna have to put all of these other ones back. Honestly, for as organized as you are you make such a mess sometimes…” Kaneki grumbled and Hide leaned his head back to get a better look at him. “…Not feeling up to it yet?”

He shook his head. “Lazy,” he explained.

“You and your mood swings,” Hide sighed. For as long as they’d known each other, he never understood how Kaneki could switch back and forth so easily. One minute he’d be running around bursting with energy, and the next he’d be lying down claiming to never want to get up again. He took it in stride as best he could, but there were times when the other’s crashes happened rather inconveniently. Like now.

“Okay, how about this? We’ll go cuddle on the couch for a while, but then I have to clean up, okay? And then you need to get dressed- shouldn’t go out in public wearing pajamas, you know?” Kaneki considered for a bit, then nodded.

“Carry me?” he requested.

Hide smiled at him. “As always,” he replied.

* * *

 

“See, I told you it would be fine,” Hide whispered in Kaneki’s ear as Hinami squealed and showed Touka the books he’d lent her. Kaneki nodded and smiled when the young girl thanked him again. That was something Hide had noticed recently- since meeting her, Kaneki had been more… composed? Mature? At home he was still very childish, but he took his role as a brother figure very seriously. It was a side of him that Hide hadn’t gotten to see very much, and he was glad that there was someone who could bring it out.

“Stop grinning like an idiot,” Touka instructed, smacking the back of his head. Hide frowned at her and rubbed at his injury, sulking.

“Rude,” he accused before turning his eyes back to Kaneki. “Come on though, they’re so happy! Look,” he said, and turned her head so that she was looking at them.

“Get your hands off me,” she complained. “God, why are you like this all the time?”

“Happy?” he asked. “Because unlike a certain someone, I’m not a party pooper. Tell me, do you ever smile? You should try it sometime. I think you’d like it.”

She glared at him. “The things I put up with…” she sighed. “Besides, you _know_ what I mean. Pretending everything’s fine isn’t going to fix anything. You have no idea how much time he has left. Shouldn’t you be trying to find the… thing?” Despite never discussing it, they had both decided that talk of the Penguindrum should not be taken lightly. Hide scratched his head in consideration.

“I _am_ trying. But I also want to make sure he’s happy, and if I was all serious all the time it would affect him. So that’s just how it goes.”

She stared at him, trying to understand his logic. What was the point in happiness if it was just going to be cut short? Better to work hard now and worry about being happy later. Right?

“…What do you feel about him?” she asked. Hide looked at her in surprise.

“About Kaneki? He’s my best friend. I care about him. What else is there to say?”

Touka narrowed her eyes. “Do you love him?”

Hide paused. “I… well, yeah. Of course I do. He’s the most precious thing in my whole life. Of course I love him.” Touka crossed her arms.

“That’s not what I meant,” she said, “and you know it. Do you _love_ him?”

There was a moment when time stood still. “I…” Hide tried to speak, but nothing came out. “I don’t…”

A small thud interrupted him and they both jumped. Looking over to where the other two sat, they saw that Kaneki had dropped the book he was holding onto the carpet. Rather than leaning over to pick it up, however, he was staring straight at Hide. His mouth moved but didn’t actually form any words. Still, Hide thought he knew what he’d said.

‘ _Survival…_ ’

But the phrase was never finished. Before he had a chance to utter the other half, Kaneki suddenly slumped over in his seat and toppled to the ground, motionless. There was a split second of stillness, then Hinami got up hurriedly and rushed over to him. “Onii-chan?” she called. “Onii-chan!” This prompted Hide into action, and he ran to Kaneki’s side.

“Kaneki. Hey, Kaneki, wake up. You’ve gotta wake up, okay? Hey! Somebody help!” As other patrons of the library heard and began approaching, Hide looked up at Touka. Her face remained impassive, looking down at him without a shred of remorse.

“I told you so,” she said.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh, dear. We're in trouble now, aren't we? Also, things are getting a little bit ship-y in this one. That's not gonna be a common occurrence, but it might happen a couple more times when the plot calls for it. Hahaha, I regret nothing.


	8. Then Devour Me Courageously

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's no use. It's akin to love. Akin to the first kiss. It only works once. -Himari

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's funny because this chapter corresponds to like, episode 18 of the original. The story from here really starts departing from the source material. Have fun!

“Hide-nii… is Onii-chan gonna be okay?” Hinami asked him worriedly. Hide didn’t answer at first, watching ashen-faced as the paramedics checked Kaneki’s vitals and loaded him onto a stretcher. The young girl tugging on his sleeve brought his attention back to reality. _It could’ve been her,_ he thought. Then, a small part of him added _Why couldn’t it have been?_

His eyes widened immediately, surprised at himself. _I didn’t mean that,_ he reassured himself. _I don’t actually want anything to happen to Hinami-chan!_

“He’ll be fine,” Hide reassured her. “He just got a little too exited earlier and wore himself out. If he rests for a while, I’m sure he’ll be fine.” _I’m not sure. What if he dies for real this time? Dammit, hat, where are you when he needs you?_

“Hide-nii?” Hide had turned suddenly and put both of his hands on her shoulders.

“Hinami-chan, can you do me a favor?” he asked. “I need you to go with Kaneki to the hospital. There’s something I need to do. Okay? Promise?” Hinami looked mildly confused, but she nodded. Hide thanked her, then ran out of the library.

_I just have to get the hat,_ he told himself. _If I can do that then the white-haired guy can fix this whole situation. All I have to do is go home, grab the hat, and get it to the hospital. Easy, right?_

_Right?_

It had to be okay. He wouldn’t accept it if it weren’t.

_He’ll be okay. He’ll live._

_What if he doesn’t?_

 “Gaaah! Shut up,” he shouted at himself, causing some passersby on the sidewalk to look at him with concern. Vaguely he understood that anyone seen running down the street and yelling would attract some strange looks, but it didn’t really matter to him what people thought of him.

“Okay, hat… hat, hat, hat… where are you?” he muttered as soon as he got home. He grabbed it from Kaneki’s room and ran back out the door.

* * *

 

Hinami only somewhat understood what was going on, but she was worried. She’d had plenty of experience with hospitals before, and anything that much equipment was something very scary. “Onee-chan, Onii-chan’s not gonna… die, is he?” she asked quietly. Touka looked at her with wide eyes, not sure how to respond. She hadn’t expected Hinami to get attached to him so quickly.

“I… I don’t know. There’s a chance, I won’t lie to you. But the doctors are really good at what they do, so we should trust that they’ll be able to help.” Hinami bit her lip and nodded, but there was something still bothering her.

“Onee-chan… is it… is it my fault?” If Touka had been surprised by her first question, she was completely shocked by this one.

“Of course not!” she exclaimed. “Where would you get that idea?!”

Hinami flinched and Touka immediately regretted shouting. “I’m sorry,” she said more quietly. “I didn’t mean to sound mad. I just want you to know that it’s in no way your fault, okay? Can you tell me why you thought that?”

“I…” Hinami looked down. “I just… Hide-nii said that Onii-chan got too excited and that’s why he wore himself out. Since I’m the one who wanted us to meet again… isn’t it possible that I’m the reason-”

She was cut off by Touka wrapping her arms around her in a tight hug.

“Oh sweetheart,” said the older girl. “That’s not your fault at all. You didn’t have any control over it, okay? You shouldn’t blame yourself for things that you can’t help. Hey, look at me. Okay? It’s okay.” Hinami’s eyes filled with tears and she clung tighter to her sister.

“I don’t want him to die,” she cried. “I don’t want anyone else to die…!”

* * *

 

The sound of running footsteps drew their attention down the hallway.

“How is he?” demanded Hide, out of breath. He was holding the penguin hat in one hand and grabbed Touka’s arm with the other. “How is he?!” he repeated, shaking her. She closed her eyes, intending to throw him off, but something stopped her.

“Not good,” she said instead, looking down to the hat he held. “If you’re going to do something, do it now.” Hide paled, but nodded and ran into the room with Kaneki.

He almost stopped breathing at the sight of the smaller boy lying on an operation table, hooked up to all those machines. The other’s skin was white as a sheet and his forehead was beaded with sweat. The heart monitor beeped quietly, his pulse practically nonexistent.

One of the nurses looked up to say something when he entered, but the doctor held up a hand to silence her. Hide moved quickly to Kaneki’s side, taking one hand in his own, terrified by how cold it was.

“Hey,” he whispered. “I brought it, see?” He held up the hat to show the sleeping boy. “Hey. Look. It’ll be okay now, right? There, you can help him now, right?” He put the hat on Kaneki’s head and waited desperately for something, anything to happen. There was a moment of stillness, then the lights flickered and the hospital faded out. Hide found himself standing before the white-haired version of Kaneki, who was looking at him disdainfully.

“You,” he said with a sneer. “Why have you re-” _turned_ , was probably going to be the end of that sentence, but it never made it. Kaneki stopped talking suddenly and fell over. As he did, the light around them went dark and the dimension was filled with an eerie silence. Hide gasped and ran over to where Kaneki lay, gently lifting him up and sitting him upright.

“Hey, what happened?” he asked. “What’s going on?” The white-haired boy raided his eyes slowly and locked gazes with Hide.

“It seems…” he said quietly, “that the _price_ I collected was not enough.” Hide’s eyes widened. The first time they’d met… this Kaneki had taken something from him. That something had been keeping Kaneki alive this whole time- like he’d said back then, the other boy was technically dead. The life he was living wasn’t his own.

“You’re joking, right?” he asked desperately. “This fast? Shouldn’t… wasn’t it supposed to last longer than this?”

White-haired Kaneki shook his head. “The curse is stronger on you the more you try to fight it,” he said. “My powers alone are not enough to fight it. I… am sorry.”

Something about those words awoke a new conviction in Hide. Kaneki had always been insecure about being sick, feeling like he was a burden when he was anything but. Hide had decided long ago that he would do everything in his power to make sure the smaller boy never felt like he had to apologize for his illness. This may have been a different Kaneki, but the way he felt hadn’t changed.

“You… you can do it again,” he said. The other Kaneki opened his eyes farther in surprise, breathing still shallow. “Take more. I don’t care about what it does to me, okay? I’ll pay for his life with mine. You can do that, right?” He looked at the boy in his arms hopefully, but his heart sank when the other shook his head.

“To take a price more than once…” he began, “is… against the rules. It can’t be done.”

“What rules?!” shouted Hide angrily. “You said so yourself that by doing this we’re already breaking rules, right? If we weren’t Kaneki would already be dead by now!” He grabbed Kaneki’s hand and put it to his chest, feeling that familiar warmth.

“Take it,” he repeated. Kaneki drew closer as Hide pulled him in, their faces only inches apart. He saw the glow of his own life reflected in Kaneki’s eyes, the left one still shaded a deep red.

“Go on,” he breathed, pressing their bodies even closer together as he closed his eyes. He could feel Kaneki’s hand tighten its grip and drew in a sharp breath, but then the hand relaxed and withdrew. His eyes opened and he saw Kaneki drawing away from him. “Wait,” he gasped. “What are you…?”

Kaneki sat back, seeming to fold in on himself. When Hide reached out to him, though, he lunged forward and landed so that he was pinning Hide to the floor. They hit the ground with a muted thud as Hide’s head collided with the floor, and Kaneki put one hand around his throat.

“Would you do anything for him?” he asked, a sharp glint in his eyes. Hide tried to catch his breath after the shock of finding himself underneath Kaneki like this, but he gathered his resolve and looked the other in the eye.

“I would,” he said resolutely. Kaneki narrowed his eyes and leaned closer.

“Good,” he whispered, before pressing his lips to Hide’s.

The kiss was forceful and took Hide completely by surprise, momentarily short-circuiting his brain. Belatedly some part of him thought, _That’s not fair…_ but it was too late to really do anything about it. He reached a hand up and cupped Kaneki’s face, tilting their heads as the kiss deepened.

“... _‘Hide’,_ ” mumbled the white-haired boy, and Hide really didn’t know how to respond so he hoped that he didn’t have to. His mind had gone pleasantly blank and he wasn’t exactly hearing what Kaneki was saying, but he did hear the word “Go.” He blinked, trying to focus again.

“Wait,” he managed. “What… why?”

Kaneki drew back a fraction of an inch, so just his bangs brushed against Hide’s face. “He needs you more than I do,” he said, moving his hand from Hide’s throat to cover his eyes, and suddenly his voice was right in his ear…

“Go back.”

* * *

 

Hide opened his eyes. The hospital was dark, lit only by the machines still hooked up to Kaneki. He looked up frantically, but his ears had already told him what his eyes now saw: the monitor had flat lined.

“No,” he whispered, unbelieving. “That’s not how it works. This isn’t…!” _Why did he send me back if this was the result? I could have stayed there with him! There has to be something else I can do, or there wouldn’t be any point._

The door opened. The man who walked in was wearing a doctor’s coat, but Hide had never seen him before. Following him were two girls, indistinguishable except for their hair. The one with dark hair held a sealed case, and the one with light hair carried a single apple.

“Who… who are you?” asked Hide. The man smiled at him and closed the door behind him.

“My name is Kanou,” he said simply. “Would you like to save this boy’s life?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, honestly, I forgot that they kissed. I'm trying to stay several chapters ahead in writing this, so every time I post something it's the first time I've seen it in quite a while. Oh well.
> 
> Also, everyone in this series has some problems. Are we ready to see what Kanou does?


	9. The Destination of Fate

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Isn’t it painful? I know it very well. Love is all about pain, after all. -Tabuki

‘ _Would you like to save this boy’s life?_ ’

Hide stared at the man in shock and confusion, trying to decide if he was real or not. On one hand, he’d come from absolutely nowhere, showing up with no warning or explanation but seamlessly inserting himself into the situation. On the other hand, Hide had just finished having a conversation with a hat that had possessed his childhood friend, so weirdness wasn’t really a factor of belief anymore.

“I…” _This could be a really shady guy. I probably shouldn’t trust him. But either way, Kaneki’s already…_

“The choice is yours,” Kanou smiled, “but I would advise you make it quickly.” The black-haired girl came forward and presented him with the case, from which he drew an empty syringe. He depressed the plunger, nodding in satisfaction that is was functional. Then he looked back to Hide.

“Well?”

_What do I do? He must have some ulterior motive, I’m sure of it, but I don’t know what it is and I don’t have time to find out. If I say no then I’ll lose Kaneki forever, but if I say yes the consequences could be even worse._

“I…” he repeated, knowing he could be making the biggest mistake of his life. “I do. I want to save him.” _No matter what the cost…_

Without a word Kanou took the apple from the other girl’s hands and stabbed the syringe into it. When he extracted it, it was filled with a strange clear liquid that was _probably_ not actual apple juice but Hide couldn’t be certain. _Oh god, I’ve signed his life away to a madman,_ he thought in despair. Just before Kanou had a chance to inject Kaneki with whatever it was inside that thing, Hide called out, “Wait!”

Kanou looked at him expectantly. Hide wasn’t exactly sure what he wanted to say, he just wanted to stall for enough time to get his bearings.

“Uh… what about the price?” It was as good a topic as any, he supposed. “If it’s money, I can pay…it…” Suddenly Kanou was a lot closer than he used to be, and all Hide could think was, _Why is everyone so intent on invading my personal space today?_

“That’s certainly an interesting question,” the doctor(?) told him. “Personally, I think the one best suited to answer that question is you- How much is his life worth to you? How far will you go to find the one thing that can truly save him…?”

 _He knows,_ Hide realized. _This person knows about the penguindrum._ He swallowed, looking at the syringe in Kanou’s hand, then steeled himself for his response.

“As far as I have to,” he said. “I can pay. I know where to get the money. So do what you have to to keep him alive until then!” Kanou smiled again and nodded. He lifted one of Kaneki’s arms and pressed the needle into his skin. Hide held his breath in anticipation, watching Kaneki for any sign of movement- of life. Just as he began to lose hope, Kaneki’s fingers twitched. He groaned and turned his head to the side, slowly opening his eyes.

“…Hide?” he asked, quietly. Hide let out the breath he’d been holding and reached out to take the other’s hand.

“Hey,” he whispered, smiling. “How’re you doing?”

Kaneki scrunched his face up before rolling over. “Tired,” he mumbled, closing his eyes again. Hide nodded in understanding, turning to thank the doctor, but they were alone.

* * *

 

“Hide, it’s still cold,” Kaneki whined from the living room. Hide pocked his head out from the kitchen to check the thermostat and frowned.

“It’s, like, seventy degrees,” he said. “You’re not getting sick, are you?”

Kaneki shook his head. He flapped his blanket like wings, looking at Hide with puppy-dog eyes. “ _Cold,_ ” he repeated, pointedly. Hide blinked and then began laughing. He felt a little bad when he saw Kaneki’s frown, but he couldn’t help it. He walked over and sat next to Kaneki, wrapping the blanket around both of them.

“Better?” he asked, as Kaneki wriggled into a more comfortable position. The black-haired boy nodded and Hide leaned back so they were lying on top of each other.

“You know, if you wanted cuddles, you could have just told me- no need to waste all our electricity on heating.” Kaneki shushed him, burrowing deeper into the blanket. Hide could feel his breathing against his neck, and it calmed him.

“You’re here,” he whispered, holding the other closer. “You’re here.” _If only we could stay like this forever… I could keep him safe and make him happy and we wouldn’t have to worry about anything anymore. But that’s not possible, is it._

“Hmm?” Hide opened his eyes to Kaneki poking him between the eyebrows.

“Your face was scrunchy,” the other explained. “So I’m making it not scrunchy anymore.”

Oh. He hadn’t realized he was making any sort of face, but of course Kaneki would notice he was worried about something. “Oh really?” he tried to laugh it off. “I wonder how I should repay such an act…” he paused for just a moment before blowing a raspberry on Kaneki’s forehead. The smaller boy squawked is surprise, knocking their heads together with the force of his reaction. They both groaned in pain and Hide made a mental note to _never do that again_ because it _seriously hurt_. Kaneki gasped and apologized, and Hide was quick to assure him that it wasn’t a big deal. Eventually they re-settled, Kaneki snuggling close to Hide and closing his eyes in contentment. As he carded his hands through his friend’s hair, Hide remembered the promise he’d made.

 _I have to protect him,_ he vowed. _No matter what it takes._

* * *

 

Since the day at the library, Hide had been different. Kaneki couldn’t figure out exactly how, but there always seemed to be something else on his mind.  He tried to distract him, to make his best friend feel better, but whatever it was that was bothering him wasn’t something that could be fixed as easily as that.

They stopped talking about Kaneki going to college. He kept up with his textbooks, and would sit with Hide as the blond completed his homework, but somehow the topic just stopped coming up. _It’s for the better, though_ he decided. _I’m sure Hide has enough to worry about without me causing more problems for him._

Tsukiyama-san came by one day, asking if Hide was home. Kaneki shook his head and said he was at school. It wasn’t exactly a lie- he hadn’t been there that morning when Kaneki woke up, and it _was_ a weekday, so it was the logical conclusion.

Except Hide didn’t have morning classes on Wednesdays.

Still, Tsukiyama-san didn’t need to know that. It was enough to tell him that Hide wasn’t home and wouldn’t be for a while, so if the two wanted to talk it would have to happen later. That was fine, right? No need to cause anyone worry.

He closed the door and frowned, just a little bit. He didn’t like remembering what it was like waking up to an empty house. Very quickly he dispelled those thoughts and decided to make himself useful to pass the time. Maybe he wasn’t the best at housework, but he could run the vacuum without any help, and other things like dusting weren’t that complicated.

 _It’ll be a surprise,_ he decided, smiling. _Then maybe if he has less stuff to worry about he’ll be happy again._  

About an hour later, though, the house was as clean as it was going to get with his limited abilities and there wasn’t much else to do. He could read, he supposed, but he didn’t really feel like it. And so Kaneki sat in his room with the lights off and the window open, hugging a stuffed rabbit to his chest. It had been a gift from Hide, he remembered, not long after they’d first met. Over the years it had lost most of its fur and been stitched up more times than Kaneki could count, but he loved it anyway- it reminded him of the times when he was younger and still had nightmares, when Hide would come in and sing him back to sleep. He’d long since forgotten the words to the song, but he would hum the tune to himself whenever he felt at all lonely.

 _I’ll do my best to smile when Hide comes home,_ he told himself. _But just for now… let me be a little selfish, just this once._

* * *

 

It was a week or two later when Tsukiyama finally found Hide. The blond glanced up from his phone when he heard someone calling out to him, frowning in confusion when he saw who it was. Tsukiyama pretty much never initiated contact directly- it was always via a text or a call, saying that he had some urgent business to take care of and they had to meet to talk about it. Inevitably it wasn’t actually anything important, but Hide had learned that ‘urgent’ was just Tsukiyama-speak for ‘I’m bored, hand out with me.’ So seeing him in person was unusual.

“Hey, what’s up?” he asked, feigning nonchalance as he carefully turned his phone off and stowed it in his pocket. Tsukiyama’s eyes followed the motion, but he didn’t comment.

“Our mutual friend has been requesting an audience with you, but she was otherwise occupied today and sent me in her stead with a message.” Hide raised his eyebrows and nodded for him to continue. Tsukiyama leaned in and whispered in his ear,

“‘Be careful. Some people in dark places are beginning to take an interest in you’.” He drew back to see Hide’s reaction, but was met with only a flat gaze.

“Is that all?” he asked, turning to leave and pulling his phone back out of his pocket. “Tell Chie I said ‘Thanks, but I know what I’m doing,’ would you?” He checked his screen once Tsukiyama was out of sight and typed a quick response.

> _On my way. Be there in 10 for the pick-up._

He flipped his phone closed again and sighed, rubbing at his temples.

 _It’s for Kaneki,_ he reminded himself. _As long as he’s safe then nothing else matters._

* * *

 

“Oh, so that’s what he’s decided then?”

“It seems so, at any rate. What’ll be interesting is seeing where this takes him from here.”

“True. I have to admit, I didn’t expect _them_ to get involved so quickly, but once _that one_ shows up there’s no telling what could happen.”

“Ooh, who wants to bet how long it’ll take for _them_ to force his hand? I say less than a month.”

“Honestly, betting is such a juvenile pastime. But we’re all children at heart here, so I’ll put my wager on another week or two.”

“…”

“Well? Aren’t you going to play along?”

“I would, normally. But can’t you see? It’s already happened. His hand has been forced since the moment he made that choice.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh dear, what on earth could he be up to? Who is he working with? Who are the people who keep popping up at the end of chapters?  
> I'm not going to tell you yet.


	10. Hide and Seek

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is the wedding veil bestowed upon the bride of fate. –Sanetoshi

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one's a bit trippy... have fun.

It was bright outside, but the curtains were drawn tightly closed and the bedroom was shrouded in darkness. A few moments passed, then the door opened a crack and a figure in shorts and a t-shirt quietly walked inside.

“Hide?” he asked, going over to the bed, but it was empty. He paused, sat down, then stood again and opened the window. Bright light streamed inside and there was a loud thump behind him. He turned to see what it was, only to find himself facing his reflection in a mirror. The other him was dressed in winter clothing, a scarf pulled up over most of his face. He took his other self’s hand and led him outside into the sun.

_Where are we going?_ It wasn’t a spoken question, but he knew that the other him had asked it.

“A special place,” he replied, beginning to walk faster. The streets were completely deserted and thrown into stark contrast with a suddenly shifting light. Shadows began appearing around them as they walked, seeming to draw closer with every step they took.

_I’m scared…_ The voice-not-a-voice was shaking slightly so he squeezed its hand tighter in an attempt to be reassuring.

They continued for a few more minutes in silence, but then there was a cry behind him and the other’s hand slipped out of his own. He turned quickly and saw that the other him was being held in place by arms reaching out of the shadows. Fear was clearly visible in his eyes as he struggled to get free, his movements shaking the scarf loose. Their gazes met and the other’s mouth moved, forming words he still couldn’t speak out loud.

_Don’t forget me…_

Kaneki gasped and his eyes widened in surprise. With all of his strength he reached out and grabbed to other him’s hand again and pulled, yanking him free of the shadows.  Without looking back they both ran, not stopping until they reached a door and had slammed it shut behind them.

The two immediately collapsed to the floor, gasping for breath. The other Kaneki took a moment to fix his scarf before standing and walking around, exploring.

_Where are we?_ he asked silently. Kaneki stood as well, running his fingers along the walls and tracing the lettering there.

“The aquarium...” It made sense, in a way. He wouldn’t be able to explain _why_ it made sense, but something about it felt right.

Before he could contemplate it any further, a door clicked open. The other him turned to him, asking for a decision, and he hesitated before slowly walking towards the threshold and peering through. As he did there was a flicker of movement on the other side, and even though he wasn’t sure what is was, he decided to follow it. He ended up in a bright hallway, the silhouettes of fish swimming across the walls. The moving figure ahead of him was definitely a person, he could tell that much, but their back was to him and he couldn’t see their face. Neither of them said anything as he continued to follow the person down ever-lengthening passages. The lighting was gradually getting darker, he noticed, and it felt as if they were on a downwards incline. Finally they emerged into an enormous room lined with rows upon rows of books.

“What is this place?” he asked, breaking the silence. The person turned and smiled, reaching behind one of the shelves and pulling out a white coat.

“This is a library,” he said, putting it on. Kaneki tilted his head in confusion.

“A library?” He didn’t know of any library that looked like this. Besides… “I thought we were at the aquarium. Why is there a library underneath it?” The man in the coat nodded in understanding, tapping his chin contemplatively.

“I can see why you would be confused,” he agreed. “You see, this is a special library. Not just anyone can get in. You could say it’s an archive of sorts, if that helps.”

It didn’t really, but Kaneki figured that he’d just wait and see if the situation explained itself with time. “Why am I here, then?” he tried instead.

“Hmm,” the man contemplated. “Those who come here are typically seeking something. We help them find it.”

_Looking for something…?_ “But… what if I don’t know what I’m looking for?”

“No need to worry. I’m sure we’ll be able to find something for you.” He skimmed the nearby shelf for a moment before selecting one of the books and opening it. “This seems about right,” he decided, handing it to Kaneki. “What do you think?”

Kaneki looked at it in surprise. There were two children on the cover, holding hands, but their faces were scratched out. He opened it and blinked. “A picture book…?”

_Once upon a time,_ he read, _there was a girl named Mary. Mary had two lambs whom she loved very much. But one day, Mary awoke to a surprise…_

Kaneki felt something stir in his memory as he read. _Did someone… did someone tell me this story before?_ It felt so incredibly nostalgic, but he just couldn’t place it. He looked up at the man in the coat, who was watching him closely.

“Where did you get this?” he asked in a whisper. The man smiled.

“From you, of course. This is the archive of your memories, after all. Or don’t you remember…?” From behind the shelves stepped a small boy wearing a scarf. A moment passed before Kaneki recognized it as the other him. He was smaller and looked at his older self with accusatory eyes.

_You left..._ he mouthed. Again Kaneki felt that tingling in the back of his mind, but it continued to evade him. _How are you supposed to protect anything if you just keep running away?_

Kaneki’s shoulder’s slumped as he realized that what the other was saying was true. _I really do just run away, don’t I? That’s why Hide…_

His eyes widened. _Hide?_ _That’s right… that’s why I…_

_I have to get stronger so Hide doesn’t have to protect me all the time. That’s what I came here for. For Hide…_

He looked at the other him with an apologetic expression on his face. “I’m sorry,” he said. “I shouldn’t have left like that. I’m sorry.” He sank to his knees and let his head fall. Kanou placed a hat on the younger boy’s head and Kaneki squeezed his eyes shut.

“Do you really think you’re going to be able to keep your promise like this?” The white-haired boy stood over him with a frown, arms folded.

“I’m sorry,” Kaneki repeated. “Please- help me get stronger.” He knew he was crying, but he couldn’t help it. Even without looking he could feel the glare the other was giving him. It hurt, bot being able to do anything. _No wonder Hide’s been worried lately,_ he thought. _I’ve just become more of a problem over time, haven’t I._

To his surprise he felt hands placed on his shoulders, causing him to look up. The other him had knelt down to his level and was looking him in the eye.

“That isn’t it,” he told him. “That person is suffering just like you’re suffering, but neither of you has caused it. If you want to save anyone, you have to learn to rise above that. Do you think you can do it?” Kaneki looked at him with still-teary eyes and nodded.

“That’s good,” said the other him, taking the hat from his head and giving it to Kaneki. The weight of it on his head felt familiar, and for a moment it seemed as if there was someone else beside him. When he turned to look, however, there was no one- just the expansive archive stretching out into darkness.

“What’s down that way?” he asked. There was no answer, and when he looked he found that he had been left alone. He looked back to the darkness, beginning to feel the compulsion to get closer to it. He stood, a ghostly hand on his back propelling him farther. He kept his eyes focused straight ahead, knowing that if he didn’t his guide would vanish. As they drew closer he could hear voices laughing in the distance, their giggles echoing off of the walls.

“I know you…” The voice was definitely his, but he wasn’t aware of saying them. Still, he knew they were true. He did know this person, the one at his back and the ones up ahead- he knew them.

_That’s right,_ whispered a girl in his ear. _Because we’re the same now, aren’t we? You and I._ He felt her smile and draw away, so he was once more alone in the darkness. The sound of feet ran past him, and he heard a voice calling his name.  Two children sat curled together on the ground, crying and comforting each other.

_That’s me,_ he realized. _I remember. This happened once, a long time ago. That was when I was chosen._ The scene faded out and he saw the briefest glimpse of what looked like a girl wrapped in bandages putting a finger to her lips.

“You really don’t understand anything, do you…?”

* * *

 

_It hurts…_ It was dark and Kaneki couldn’t feel his legs. _Where am I?_

He tried to move but his body wasn’t responding, and even though he had just woken up he was exhausted.

“Hey, look at that!” Kaneki craned his neck as far as he could, but even then all he could see were white shoes and pants. “Whaddaya know, he’s awake.” Something about that voice was incredibly ominous, but he couldn’t figure out why. The last vestiges of his dream were still echoing in his mind and making it very hard to tell what was actually happening and what he was imagining.

“Hi…de?” he whispered, voice little more than a croak.  The response was only laughter. Another set of feet approached him, sending shivers down his spine. These were bad people- he could tell.

_I’m scared,_ he realized, squeezing his eyes shut. _Hide…_

_Help me._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ......... Hahahahaha, end me now.


	11. The Unforgiven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I realized one morning... That I hate this world. This world is made of countless boxes. People bend and stuff their bodies into their own boxes. And stay there for the rest of their lives. And eventually, inside the box, they forget: what they looked like; what they loved; who they loved. That's why I'm getting out of my box. I'm one of the chosen. That's why I'm going to destroy this world. –Sanetoshi

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Hide week everyone! Have this chapter that is almost entirely Kaneki-centric. I write these things in advance, so I have like, zero ability to coordinate with real world events. Oh well.

He was gone. Kaneki was gone.

Hide hadn’t believed it at first- when he’d gone into Kaneki’s room that morning to wake him up and he wasn’t in bed, he’d thought that maybe the other boy was playing some sort of game. It wouldn’t have been the first time, so he’d just have to wait until he got bored or something. In the meantime, he’d make breakfast and hope that the smell would bring Kaneki out of hiding.

Ten minutes later he was beginning to get a little confused, but not overly worried. After fifteen he was slightly concerned, and by twenty full-blown panic had begun to set in.

“Kaneki, seriously, come out. I’m gonna think you’ve run away or something.” There was no response. “I mean it, you know. Come on, breakfast’s gonna get cold.” Nothing.

Officially panicked now, Hide rose quickly and began to search all of Kaneki’s usual hiding spots. When he couldn’t find him, dread began to settle in his gut.

_Shit. Where is he? Agh, why doesn’t he have a cellphone? I should have bought him one. Shit!_

“Okay. Calm down,” he told himself. “He’s gotta be somewhere. He can’t have gotten that far on his own.” _Unless he wasn’t on his own,_ an unhelpful part of his mind added.

Shit.

He grabbed his own phone and began dialing numbers.

* * *

 

 _Why am I here? Why?_ It had been a few hours since he’d woken up in this strange place and his memories were still fuzzy. He remembered saying goodnight to Hide and going to sleep. He remembered having a confusing dream, and then it had hurt and he couldn’t for the life of him recall what had happened between then and now. There had been those two people who came by earlier, but he hadn’t gotten a good look at either of them. The larger one had injected something into his arm and then they had left.

He tried moving again. His legs were a little more responsive, but he doubted they’d be able to hold him any time soon. As for his arms… the one that hadn’t gotten an injection was fairly mobile; he could use it to prop himself up and get a better look at the other, which was limp and numb. The area around where the needle had gone in was a bright red, and beginning to swell. He poked at it experimentally and immediately regretted it. His arm exploded in pain, shooting through his body like lightning.

It wasn’t as if he’d never been in pain before. When he was twelve, he’d fallen while sledding and broken his arm. At the time it had hurt so much that he’d cried, but this was infinitely worse than that. He curled in on himself, pressing his free hand to his mouth to keep from screaming.

 _It hurts. It hurts. Why does it hurt so much? What did they give me? Why won’t it stop hurting??_ Very carefully he adjusted his position so that he had a better view of the room around him. It was large and mostly empty except for a rolling cart pushed against one wall. Kaneki tried to pull himself forward with his good arm, but something clinked and he found he couldn’t go any farther. In surprise he looked down.

_Ah…_

The chains wrapped around his legs provided all the explanation he needed. Suddenly the vague dreamlike bubble he’d been in popped, leaving him in a very terrifying reality.

_I’m in danger. I don’t know anything about these people. They could hurt me._

_They’re trying to hurt me._

All of a sudden the pain in his right arm didn’t seem like as big of a deal. What was worse was the fear of what could potentially come next. He didn’t know what to expect, and it scared him. He began pulling at his restraints in a panic, knowing he wouldn’t be able to escape them that easily but not thinking clearly enough to do anything else. The only things running through his mind were the words _I'm scared. I'm scared. I'm scared_. In a pathetic attempt he tried to remember what Hide would tell him whenever he needed calming down, but the words weren't coming. It was all he could do to picture the blond boy's face, so he focused on that with all his might.

  _Hide..._

He imagined he was there with him, holding him, comforting him. "You're okay now..." he whispered to himself, curling up again. "You're okay. There's nothing to be afraid of anymore. It's all gonna be fine, okay?" Without realizing it he had begun rocking back and forth, cradling his damaged arm with his good one. His muttering gradually transformed into whimpers until he was a quivering ball of tears and snot.

I'm a mess, he thought. They haven't even done anything to me and this is what I become? Pathetic.

Then again, maybe that was the point. Maybe they just wanted to watch him fall apart from the inside out. If that were the case, he was giving them exactly what they wanted. _How are you supposed to protect anything like that…?_

I won't. I won't let myself be so weak. I’m scared, but I won’t let myself show it. He kept that resolve close to his heart, trying to drown out the voice still crying in the back of his head. As he did, he suddenly noticed another sound- the sound of a door opening. His heartrate picked up on instinct, but he fought to keep his breathing even.

_Did I make a mistake? Ah, maybe it would have been better to keep crying… but I can’t think like that, it’ll mean that I’m still weak. I don’t want to be here… but I don’t have a choice. It’s too late to change anything. The only choice I have is how I react to what happens after this._

He looked up.

Just like before, there were two people standing over him, but his new angle allowed him to finally see their faces. The smaller of the two stood back a ways, sneering as the larger leaned over and grabbed Kaneki by the hair.

“This is the one they wanted? I can’t say I’m particularly impressed.”

“Didja see ‘im crying earlier?” snickered the other one. “Prob’ly wet his pants, too, since he’s such a crybaby. Ha!” Kaneki bit down a gasp of pain as he was forcibly lifted into the air and fought to keep his eyes open. Even without looking, though, he could feel the scrutinizing gaze of the one holding him. Gritting his teeth, he forced himself to look the other in the eye.

“You… What do you want with me?” he managed. For the briefest moment, he saw a look of surprise on his captor’s face, but it was replaced with a sadistic grin.

“Oh, look at that. He _is_ alive, after all. Tell me, are you going to put up a fight for me? Will you struggle? Oh, how exciting!” He released his grip and Kaneki found himself once more on the ground. To make it worse, he had landed on his bad arm, which sent another shock of excruciating pain through his body. He cried out before he could help it, though he silenced himself as quickly as possible. He glared at his captors and clenched his left hand into a fist.

“I’m not scared of you,” he lied, trying to bolster his own confidence. The big one smirked.

“Oh really?” he asked mockingly. He turned and gestured something to the smaller one before leaning in and whispering in Kaneki’s ear. “You know, they only told me I wasn’t allowed to kill you. Anything else… that should be fine, right?”

Kaneki blanched.

* * *

 

“Are you really sure that was the best way to go about it?”

“Hmmm...I suppose not. Well, we’re all trying to change the world in one way or another. I personally choose not to get so caught up in the details.”

“Wow, you really are a horrible person.”

“Yes, so I fit right in with you lot, don’t I?”

“Touché. At least I don’t make promises I can’t keep.”

“No, only those you never intended to keep in the first place. Ironic, isn’t it? Besides, I’m not lying, exactly. It’s called manipulation- it comes with the profession.”

“Ah, I can’t wait to see a world with you in charge. There’ll be riots in the streets before noon.”

“But you’re wrong there, see?”

“In what way? Do tell.”

“I don’t want to rule the world. I just want to set it free.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry. I am truly sorry for hurting my children like this. I hate having to do it. Please forgive me.
> 
> On another note: I've been kinda bored lately. Does anyone have a Skype or something and wanna talk about stuff? My Skype name is Eleanor.Uyyek- seriously, talk to me. I have nothing to do.


	12. Daddy’s Shoes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This world only bears fruit for the greedy. –Masako

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy birthday, my wonderful son! I baked you a cake. Please come home soon.

By this point, Kaneki had no idea how long he’d been held captive. He’d been moved to the middle of the room at some point and tied to the back of a chair, after which he had been hurt. A lot. In the beginning he’d had a bit of a buffer due to pure shock- the pain had still been there, but he was having a hard time processing it.  After a while though, it began to sink in. That was when he began losing hope.

_It hurts. I can’t do this anymore, it’s too much, it hurts so bad. It’s not stopping- why isn’t it stopping?_ Despite everything he’d told himself he ended up screaming every time, even though it really didn’t make him feel any better. He was just giving them what they wanted, and he knew it. _I’m still weak. I don’t understand it! I want to be stronger than this, but I just don’t know how. Help me… Why won’t you help me?!_

He was pretty sure that he’d fallen asleep a few times, but it was possible that he’d just passed out. Either way, he’d completely lost track of time. Sometimes they’d feed him, but never enough to do him any good.

_I’m gonna die here. I’m actually going to die if this keeps up. Oh, that’d be nice, wouldn’t it?_ Anything other than this pain.

* * *

 

He might have dreamed, once. While the bigger one, the one who actually hurt him, was talking to the smaller one, he thought he saw someone else there with them.

“Help,” he tried to say, but nothing came out. The person with white hair folded his arms and frowned.

“Do it yourself,” he responded. “I’ve done my part, and now I’m bored. Entertain me, would you?” He let his hair change and walked over to sit by Kaneki. “Courage is great and all, but it doesn’t mean anything if you don’t act on it. As it is, you’re still covering your eyes and pretending _it_ doesn’t exist.”

Kaneki stared at the purple-haired girl next to him, trying to form a response.

“Nothing? That’s so like you. You’re aware of your own faults, but you can’t handle it when someone else points them out for you. That’s why you’re still here. You can’t do anything without help.”

For some reason that bothered him, and he stood up. “ _Help_ me then!” he shouted. “I know I’m helpless, but that’s only because nobody’s ever shown me what to do! You act all high and mighty, but you’re just as bad for expecting me to figure it all out on my own!”

He was a little worried that his outburst might lead to her getting angry, but she just smiled.

“That’s more like it,” she said.

* * *

 

He opened his eyes and found that he was exactly where he’d been before. _Oh, maybe I just went crazy for a little bit,_ he thought. Then he looked up again and realized that nope, it wasn’t just a one-time thing. She was still watching him. _What are you doing?_ he asked her. _What are you waiting for?_ She just shrugged and pointed to the tall one, who was coming back with some new implement for inflicting pain. As he watched she giggled and drew a finger across her throat.

Kaneki closed his eyes. _I’ll ignore you if you’re not gonna help,_ he thought to her. Plus as long as he wasn’t looking, it was a little bit easier to ignore the pain.

* * *

 

Nothing that they did to him caused irreparable damage, but it was specifically designed to cause as much pain as possible with minimal actual injury. He figured that they wanted him in one piece when they were done with him- whenever that would be. He was fairly certain that one of his shoulders had been dislocated, though, and his right arm still couldn’t move properly. If he ever got out, he’d probably have to worry about if it would ever heal, but he couldn’t afford to think about that right now. Right now, he could only focus on what was happening moment to moment.

Every once in a while, he would be given a moment of reprieve when the tools were switched out. Every time he was acutely aware of the girl staring at him, but he made a conscious effort not to acknowledge her presence. His captors didn’t seem to notice her, so he was almost certain that she really was just a figment of his imagination, but no matter how hard he tried he couldn’t make her disappear.

Most of the time she just watched when he was being hurt, but other times she taunted him. _Weak,_ she whispered to him. _You’re weak._ Never once did she show any indication of helping him.

* * *

 

There was a loud snap, and his eyes flew open. He looked down at his feet, sucking in a breath at what he saw. _That’s… my toe. My toe’s broken._ The pain hit a second later and he screamed, again and again. _I hate this. I hate this. I’m so tired. I can’t do this anymore. I just want it to end already. Why are they doing this to me…?!_

His vision was going dark, and he figured that he was blacking out again. When he heard a voice in his ear, though, he realized that his eyes were just being covered up. _A blindfold?_ What on earth were they planning on doing now?

“You just sit right here like a good boy, alright? I have a surprise for you when I get back.” Oh, so they were leaving. Didn’t that mean he could try to escape? But then again, what if that was the point? They made it so he couldn’t see, so maybe they were still in the room and wanted to see if he would run. Then he’d be punished even more. He didn’t want that, so it really would be better to stay put…

“Are you really that stupid?” The blindfold was still on but he could see her clearly. She was shaking her head like she was disappointed. “And here I thought that you were finally beginning to get somewhere.”

“I-” he stammered defensively, “I can’t! What if they catch me? What if I get in trouble? I’m not supposed to bother anyone, so it’s better if I just-”

“What if, what if,” she interrupted him. “That’s exactly your problem. Every time you second-guess yourself you’re getting farther away from what you want.”

“I… I don’t mean to. I’m just…”

“Scared?” Kaneki bit his lip and nodded. “Well that’s simple then. Fear is the result of thought. If you don’t want to be afraid, then just _stop thinking._ Do you want to get out of here?”

He nodded.

“You want to see your most important person again?”

Nod.

“You want to live?”

A pause, then a nod.

“Say it.”

“…I want to live.”

“Louder.”

“I want to live.”

“Louder! Say it like you mean it!”

“I… I want to live! I want to live! I don’t want to die here! I’m tired of being hurt all the time, I want to go home and see Hide again and _I want to live!!_ ”

The girl beside him smiled. “Very well then,” she said, standing. “Let me show you how it’s done.”

* * *

 

It was all a blur, what happened after that. He felt pain, but it wasn’t the same kind as usual. He knew he was moving but it didn’t really feel like him- it was like being a passenger in his own body.

“That’s fine,” said the voice in his head. “This is what you were meant to do.”

_What I was meant to do…_

_It hurts._

How long had it been? Was he in still tied down? Did it still hurt? He couldn’t tell. He heard voices and gunshots, footsteps drawing closer to him, but he had run out of energy. He closed his eyes.

* * *

 

 It was warm. Something soft and gentle was enveloping him, and Kaneki leaned into it. After several moments he opened his eyes, blinking at the bright light and the sight of a figure above him.

“Hide?” he whispered, not sure if he was dreaming again or not.

“I’m here,” Hide told him, smiling. “You’re alright. You’re okay now. There’s nothing to be afraid of anymore. I’m here. I’m sorry. You’re gonna be okay now, Ken. It’s okay. I love you. It’s okay.” Comforted, Kaneki let his eyes slip closed.

 

* * *

* * *

Six days. Six days, thirteen hours, and twenty-seven minutes since Kaneki had disappeared and he was finally able to save him. Hide looked at the people around him, a strange sense of finality settling in his stomach.

_Whatever it takes,_ he reminded himself. _Whatever it takes._

Kaneki collapsed just as Hide reached him. He caught the smaller boy in his arms, trying not to look at his wounds. They were everywhere, deep red gashes littered up and down his body, the skin around them raw and swollen.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered as he held the other closer. “Ken, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, I never wanted this to happen.” He pressed a kiss to the top of Kaneki’s head and kept repeating those words- “I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”

Hide refused to let himself relax until he was certain that Kaneki was receiving proper medical treatment. He smiled sadly at the figure lying in bandages beside him before standing and walking over to a man with slicked-back hair wearing a suit. The man nodded at him and gestured to a set of thick wooden doors.

“They’re waiting for you,” he said. Hide nodded and drew in a deep breath. He pushed open the doors and walked inside.

“Hideyoshi,” acknowledged the man on the right. “It’s been quite a while, hasn’t it?”

Hide curled his hand into a fist before replying. “It has,” he said simply.

“Don’t be like that,” chided Yoshitoki. “This should be a touching reunion, no need to be-”

“Hideyoshi,” interrupted the old man at the center of the room. “We have fulfilled our side of the agreement. It is time for you to return to the Washuu. Permit me to remind you that you have no choice in this matter.”

 Hide closed his eyes, forcing himself to relax. “I know,” he said. “I have no intention of disrespecting the honor of our name by failing to uphold a promise I have made. There is only one request I would make.”

The old man raised one eyebrow. “And that would be?” he prompted.

“I ask only that you allow me to remain by Kaneki’s side until he is healed and I can arrange for him to be cared for in my absence.”

The other two considered for a moment before Tsuneyoshi gave another curt nod. “Permission granted. You will be given one week to make suitable arrangements. If in that time you are unable to do so, we will take matters into our own hands.”

Hide bowed to him, hating the fact that he had to. “Thank you very much sir,” he said, glancing back in the direction of where Kaneki slept on, unaware of the events taking place around him.

_Whatever it takes._

* * *

 

“Aah, there it is. I was wondering when they’d show up.”

“Is the world truly coming to an end, I wonder? How amusing.”

“Not yet, not yet. There’s no fun in a show whose finale arrives too early. It has to be drawn out for I while longer, I’d think.”

“I never specified a time frame.”

“Hey, where do you think he’s gonna go?”

“Hmm… all things considered, I think sending him to _them_ would be the best choice.”

“But the best for whom?”

“Oh, for us, of course. After all, it’s the most certain to lead to a tragedy.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not gonna lie, I'm not entirely satisfied with this chapter. I wrote the first half on my mom's phone while watching a movie, so it might be a little disjointed, but I tried. The next few chapters are a lot better, I promise.


	13. Sons of Flame

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I think everything in this world is beautiful. The sky, birds, bugs, frogs, flowers, and even rocks. Because, if God created this world, could there really be anything dirty and ugly in it? –Ringo

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And here being the flashback arc!

_Aah, boring…_ Hide knew he was supposed to be paying attention, but he couldn’t bring himself to care. He peeked out from behind the curtains at his parents, who were busy preaching grand tales of revolutionizing the world, and sighed. They never paid any attention to him- he was the youngest of his siblings and generally relegated to the sidelines any time the whole family was assembled. As a result, he had developed other ways of keeping himself occupied.

He snuck out through a service door, breathing in a sigh of relief at the open air. A couple minutes’ walk took him to the entrance to his secret hideout- he’d been working on it all summer and it was nearly done. Pulling on a set of ropes lifted the heavy plank laid across the doorway-which was little more than a hole at the bottom of one wall, but it was large enough to fit through. From there he had to navigate a series of crude bridges and ladders until he reached the main chamber of the hideout. On his own it wasn’t that difficult, but bringing all the materials he needed had been hard.

Panting, he finally succeeded in pushing his load over the ridge and onto the floor above him. Scrambling up after it, he surveyed his work- two chairs, one a wooden stool and the other more of a beanbag; blankets and cushions strewn across the floor in a haphazard manner; a stack of comic books in one corner, and a telescope and sketchpad in the other. He flopped down on the nearest pillow and sighed.

“I’m kinda tired,” he spoke out loud. He squirmed over to the telescope and dragged it over to a window. Through it he could see people walking around the city streets, going about their everyday lives. He selected someone at random and began drawing.

His sketchbook was full of ordinary people he’d seen through the telescope. He didn’t know anything about them, but he liked to imagine what sort of people they were by examining their facial expressions, posture, and actions. This one’s a businessman, that one’s a student, they’re worried about something, those ones just had a fight. Flipping through the pages, he could see the number of personalities he had collected. Sometimes, though he would never admit it, he would pretend that all the people in the sketchbook were his friends and talk to them. In his head, they answered back.

Shaking his head, turned to the back of the book. _Stupid,_ he told himself. _That’s dumb._

This was the other thing he used his sketchbook for. In the back, several pages had been torn out where he’d written his thoughts and folded them into paper airplanes. Mostly he did it when he was frustrated, but other times when he was feeling lonely or upset and his imaginary friends weren’t enough. Sometimes he would shout things at them or throw rocks in an attempt to knock one out of the air. He never succeeded, of course, but throwing things felt good also.

_I’m super bored today,_ he wrote. _I wish someone would actually read these, because then I’d have a real-person friend to talk to. Is that weird? Oh, who am I kidding, of course it’s weird. It’s just not the same when you have to hold up both ends of a conversation. Like, Matsuri was a jerk again today and I don’t have anybody to complain to. Dear Matsuri, if you’re reading this: I hate you. Please stop being stupid. Thank you._

Reading over the letter once more, Hide nodded in approval and folded it up.

“Ready, and!” he said as he threw it into the sky. It executed a perfect loop before gliding gracefully away. Hide watched it go, mouth open.

“Wow,” he said quietly. “That’s the farthest they’ve ever gone! That’s so cool!” Gasping, he realized something. _I should have paid more attention to how I folded it,_ he lamented. _I wonder if it’s too late to go find it again…?_ Before he could consider it further he was already dashing back down.

* * *

 

 “Come on, where did you go?” From experience Hide knew that most of his planes curved around the back of the buildings, even though he’d never seen one land. Despite his best efforts, however, he couldn’t seem to find the one he’d just thrown. He’d been down there for almost five minutes and was considering giving up. As he wondered about, he noticed something interesting- in all of exploring, he couldn’t recall ever having been to this particular area. Curious, he looked around with a bit more intent, soaking in all the details.

If he had been paying any less attention, he might have missed it- the quick blur of something ducking behind a nearby wall. Hide tilted his head and blinked. Had someone been watching him?

“Hello?” he called. There was no response, but when he tried walking closer he heard a small squeak.

“Um..” he tried again. “I don’t mean to bother you, but have you seen a paper airplane around here? I can’t find it.” Again there was nothing.

“Hey… I’m gonna come over, okay? Is that okay?” Cautiously he began moving forward. Every few steps he would pause to make sure that whoever it was hadn’t run away, and then he would resume. When he finally reached the edge of the wall, he waited for just a moment before poking his head around it.

Huddled against the corned was a small boy with black hair. He was dressed in dirty clothes and clutching a paper airplane to his chest. When he saw Hide he squeaked again and tried to make himself smaller. _Is he scared of something…?_

“Oh, hey, you found it!” he said, doing his best to appear non-threatening. “That’s cool. What’s your name?”

The boy blinked at him with large eyes, unresponsive. He looked down at the plane in his arms, then back up to Hide. Hesitantly he held it out to him, still not making eye contact.

“Huh?” Hide looked at the plane in the boy’s shaking hand and understood. “Oh, no, that’s fine,” he said. “You can keep it, if you want. I just wanted to make sure that it didn’t get torn up or anything. Do you want it?” The boy lowered his eyes shyly and nodded. He opened his mouth as if to say something, but closed it and suddenly stood up. Hide was startled, and for a moment he could only watch as the other turned and walked farther into the shadows. After the surprise wore off, he stood and followed him.

The boy had his back to Hide, crouching over a pile of… something, and gently placing the airplane on top. He waited to make sure it was balanced properly, then moved back.

Hide stared. Sitting before him were countless paper planes, each one carefully stacked against the others.

“Have you been keeping _all_ of these?” he asked with a sense of awe. The boy squeaked a third time and whirled around. He shifted uncomfortably and nodded.

“That’s super cool!” Hide smiled at him. “Oh, I never introduced myself, did I? I’m Washuu Hideyoshi, but you can call me Hide. I make those planes when I’m bored, but I never thought anybody was actually finding them! Do you like paper airplanes?”

The boy’s eyes were getting wide, clearly overwhelmed by the amount of information coming at him. He looked back to his collection and shrugged, biting his lip. Hide took it in stride and kept talking.

“Do you spend a lot of time around here? I live pretty close by, and my parents work here so I’m here all the time. I made a secret hideout in one of the empty buildings. You can come see it, if you want.” The boy looked up with an expression of curiosity, but a second later his face fell and he shook his head.

“mnotsposedtalktstrngrs,” he mumbled.

“What?” asked Hide, leaning forward to hear better.

“I…I’m not… supposed to talk to strangers,” the other repeated. Hide cocked his head in confusion.

“Are we strangers?” he asked. “I mean, I dunno about you, but you’ve been getting my letters this whole time so I feel like that makes us kinda friends. Oh, but you probably didn’t know they were letters since they were all folded up, huh. We can still be friends, though, right? Like, is that okay? ‘Cause I don’t really have anyone to talk to while my parents are working, and it’s kinda lonely. So will you be my friend?”

Again he was met with the wide-eyed stare and he was worried that he might have crossed a line somewhere, but then the other boy lowered his head and nodded.

“I’m... Kaneki,” he said quietly. “I think… I would like being friends with you.”

* * *

 

“Kaneki! Are you here?” Since the day he’d met the other boy, Hide had actually begun looking forward to his parents’ meetings. Kaneki was reluctant to leave the enclave where they’d first met, so he hadn’t been able to share his secret base yet, but now that he actually had someone to talk to it didn’t matter so much.

“Kaaanekiii…” he called again, frowning. Usually the black-haired boy was right here whenever he arrived. Had he gone somewhere?

A small ‘meow’ from behind him caused him to turn. Kaneki was standing there holding a tiny pale kitten in his arms.

“I found it,” he explained in that quiet voice of his. “It looked lonely without its mother, so…” He trailed off, looking at the bundle of fur. Hide smiled.

“It’s super cute! Are we gonna take care of it?” he asked. Kaneki, who had begun to get used to his enthusiasm, shrugged.

“Maybe…” he said. “It’s getting colder soon, so I thought we could at least make a bed for it or something.” He blushed in embarrassment. “It’s up to you, though. I just thought… you know…”

“No, that’s a great idea!” Hide gushed. “Here, sit next to me for a second. Yeah, there. Now make sure our legs are touching, like this, and put it down on the floor.” With the two of them forming a wall so the kitten couldn’t run away, it wandered in small circles before lying on its side.

“It’s so tiny,” whispered Kaneki with a smile on his face. Hide watched him closely and decided he much preferred that expression to the one he usually wore. _I’m gonna try to get him to look like that as much as possible,_ he decided.

“You’re cute,” he said bluntly. Kaneki’s face remained blank for a moment as he processed, then exploded in a burst of scarlet.

“I- I!” he stammered. “I’m not-! That isn’t-!”

“Hmm,” hummed Hide. “Maybe you’re right. I think this is less of a ‘cute’ and more of an ‘adorable,’ wouldn’t you say?” Impossibly, Kaneki’s face became redder.

“The- the cat!” he exclaimed in a desperate attempt to change the subject. “What should we name it?”

“I dunno,” Hide sang, leaning against Kaneki’s shoulder. “What do you think?”

Kaneki’s only response was distressed wailing.

* * *

 

“…Hey, Hide?” The two of them were lying curled together with the kitten named Tsuki between them. Hide turned his head to get a better look at Kaneki’s face. His eyes were closed and he looked peaceful.

“I read them.”

_Huh?_ Kaneki had turned so that he was nestled up against Hide’s body, tucking his head into the crook of his neck.

“I read the letters,” he explained quietly. “I found some, a while ago, and I read them. And then… even though I didn’t know you… I began to feel like we were friends. Because when you wrote them, it felt like you were sharing something really special with me. And somewhere along the way… it almost began to feel like you were writing those letters for me to find. That’s why… meeting you, that day… it sort of felt like fate, you know? So I was happy.”

Hide stared at the boy curled up beside him. He was completely relaxed, a small smile stretched across his face. Hide smiled back at him and pulled him closer.

“I was happy to have met you too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love writing my children as small children. They're such precious babies. Why do they have to suffer?


	14. Scorpion Heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> That's when I realized! That I had become a child who would be found. So I broke into tears of happiness. No matter how far we're separated, you two would definitely find me. It's nice knowing someone will find you. –Himari

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just more of my babies being babies. I love them.

After much coaxing, Hide finally managed to convince Kaneki to visit the secret base.

“Come on, what’s the worst that could happen? ‘Sides, I have a bunch of cool stuff there that you’d like, and blankets and stuff to keep Tsuki warm.”

“Mmm…” Kaneki whined, obviously torn. “But my mom said-” He cut himself off with a s small gasp and clamped his hands over his mouth.

“Your mom?” Hide tilted his head curiously. “She’s the one who told you not to talk to strangers, right?” Kaneki nodded.

“My mom… she works a lot, and she’s really busy all the time, so she tells me to wait here for her. Dad too… he doesn’t come home that much, so mom usually has to take care of me all by herself. Since I don’t know really… if she came back and I wasn’t here she’d get worried. That’s why.”

Hide considered. “When does she usually come back?” he asked.

Kaneki shrugged. “I dunno,” he said, rubbing his chin. “Pretty late, I guess…”

“That’s fine then!” Hide exclaimed. “It’s real close by, and it won’t take that long at all. We’ll be super quick, okay? I just want you to see it.”

Kaneki hesitated, looking at the kitten who had currently situated itself on Hide’s head. “Super-duper quick?” he asked quietly.

“Super-duper- _duper_ quick,” Hide reassured him. Kaneki bit his lip before finally nodding. That was how they ended up wrapped in a pile of blankets, Kaneki resting his head in Hide’s lap with his eyes closed. There had been a bit of difficulty getting up since Kaneki wasn’t the most athletically gifted, but with Hide’s help they had managed. Kaneki had been instantly drawn to the pile of books and asked if he could read them, but before long his eyes had started drooping as he nodded off. At that point Hide had offered to read it out loud so he could get some rest, and Kaneki had agreed.

Tsuki was padding around curiously, poking her nose at things. Hide giggled as Kaneki squirmed to reach out to her, earning him a small pout.

“Keep reading,” mumbled the smaller boy.

“Stop wiggling,” Hide countered, leaning back to a better position.

“But I’ll fall asleep,” Kaneki argued without much enthusiasm.

“That’s fine,” Hide maintained. “Unless there’s some reason you don’t wanna? I’ll be here to wake you up, if you need me to. Look, Tsuki’s getting sleepy too, see? Why don’t you too sleep together for a while?”

Kaneki grumbled something half-heartedly, but closed his eyes again anyway. Hide kept reading until he was sure the other was out then gently put the book down. He was glad to see him actually getting some rest. The black-haired boy always seemed tired when they met, though he tried his best to hide it. Most likely he waited up every night for his mother and then had to wake up early to be dropped off again. Very lightly, Hide pressed a kiss to his friend’s forehead, and curled up beside him under the blankets.

After that they visited the hideout a few more times, but Kaneki still preferred to stay where he had been told. The farthest he was usually willing to go was a small grassy hill that lay behind some of the buildings. They usually did stupid things there, like rolling down it or racing to the top, but every time Kaneki laughed it felt like a success, no matter what they were doing.

One day, Kaneki revealed to him that despite his best efforts, he had never actually been able to fold a paper airplane properly. Hide found it incredibly endearing that he had even tried, imagining him carefully studying every fold with intense concentration as he tried to replicate them. The next day, he brought his sketchbook and spent an hour teaching him. When Kaneki finally made one that could fly properly, his entire face lit up with pure joy and Hide couldn’t resist the urge to give him a huge hug. Of course the momentum of it sent them tumbling to the bottom of the hill, where they landed in a tangle of limbs and laughter.

“That was…” laughed Kaneki, gasping for breath, “such a bad idea!”

“I know!” confirmed Hide.

“A really… really bad idea!” Even as he said it, though, Kaneki clung closer to Hide. “Never do that again.”

“I can’t promise anything,” Hide told him. “That’s one of the occupational hazards of being my friend.” He was expecting more laughter or some sarcastic remark, but instead Kaneki sat up and looked at him with wide eyes.

“Kaneki?” asked Hide, confused. Kaneki kept looking at him, a smile growing on his face before throwing himself back down and squeezing.

“We’re friends,” he said, nuzzling Hide’s chest. Hide blinked a few times before relaxing and putting his arms around the smaller boy once more.

“We are friends,” he confirmed. “Forever and ever. No matter what, okay?”

* * *

 

One day, Kaneki wasn’t waiting in their usual place. He had taken Tsuki and was staring absently at the chain-link fence at the bottom of the hill when Hide found him.

“Hide?” he asked quietly. “What do you think it’s like on the other side?”

Hide blinked at him. Tsuki was squirming in his arms, but he didn’t seem to notice. “Other side?” he asked, carefully peering at his friend’s face. His eyes were glazed over and he didn’t seem to be focusing on anything. “Hmmm… I dunno, I guess.” He pressed their foreheads together, checking for a fever.

“I think I may have been there once,” Kaneki continued. “But I’m not sure.”

Hide hummed in agreement, pulling back. “I think you might be sick,” he said, carefully taking the struggling kitten from the other. “How about we go back and rest for a while?” Kaneki looked at him blankly for a second before nodding.

“I’m okay,” he murmured as Hide took his hand and led him away.

It quickly became clear that Kaneki was in no shape to climb all the way up to the secret base. Every few steps he stumbled and ended up leaning on Hide for support. Concerned, Hide led him to an empty stairway and told him to stay put.

“I’m gonna get some blankets and stuff, okay? I’ll be right back. You just stay here for a minute and try to relax, okay?” He was a little worried about how suddenly the symptoms had appeared- just yesterday the black-haired boy had been perfectly fine- but he didn’t know enough about diseases to say if it was anything serious. Hopefully it was just a little cold.

Fortunately Kaneki was right where he’d left him when he got back, leaning against a wall with his eyes closed. Hide rushed over to him, wrapping him in blankets and pulling him into his lap. Even separated by the layers of clothing between them, he could feel the other’s fever emanating from him.

“Hide?” he asked, voice weak.

“It’s okay,” he told him. “I’m right here. You just go ahead and sleep so you can get better, okay?”

Kaneki squeezed his eyes shut and shook his head. “Don’t wanna,” he whispered, grabbing Hide’s shirt. Worried, Hide pushed him back just enough to see his face- it was contorted and looked as if he were trying not to cry.

“Kaneki… you need to get some rest. You’ll feel better if you do, I promise. I know it’s scary being sick, but I’ll be right here the whole time. I’m not gonna leave or anything, so it’s okay. Can you trust me to take care of you for a little?” The smaller boy looked up at him with watery eyes and nodded.

“…I trust you,” he whispered. His head drooped and he relaxed, nodding off. Hide adjusted the blankets over him gently, careful not to wake him, and sighed. He saw Touka watching them and held a finger to his mouth- _‘Shhh.’_ She nodded and wandered off. Once she was gone, Hide turned his attention back to his sleeping friend. His breathing was steady and even, and he didn’t seem to be in any pain, which was reassuring. With any luck the fever would break quickly and it would all be fine.

They sat like that for a while, Kaneki curled up in Hide’s lap and sleeping peacefully. Every once and a while the younger would shift in his sleep before resettling with a contented sigh. Each time Hide would gently brush his hair back and check his temperature, letting his hand linger for just a little longer than necessary. Kaneki’s heart fluttered in his chest like a baby bird’s, light and innocent.

“…Love you…Hide,” he mumbled in his sleep. Hide’s eyes widened just a fraction before he let out a small laugh.

“I love you too, Kaneki,” he whispered.

A while after that Kaneki stirred, groaning as he began to wake up.  Hide smiled as he helped rouse his friend from slumber, holding back giggles at the way he rubbed his eyes when he yawned.

“Good morning,” he said lightly, taking one of the smaller boy’s hands. Kaneki blinked up at him sleepily, uncomprehending. Then his eyes widened and, to Hide’s surprise, he began to cry.

“H-hey, what’s wrong?” he asked in worry. “Does it hurt somewhere or something?” Kaneki shook his head, only crying harder and clinging to the blond as if his life depended on it.

“Hey, shhh, it’s okay,” Hide reassured him, wrapping his arms around the crying boy. “It’s okay, see? There’s nothing to be afraid of. I’m right here, okay? I’m not gonna let anything hurt you. I’m here.”

As Kaneki’s sobs gradually dissolved into sniffles he buried his head against Hide’s shoulder. “You came back,” he whispered. Hide tilted his head in confusion but waited for Kaneki to tell him in his own time.

“Momma… Momma doesn’t come back a lot of the time,” he explained eventually. “It’s ‘cause she’s so busy. But you came back, like you said.” He moved his head so that his ear was over Hide’s heartbeat.

“You came back,” he repeated. Hide’s eyes had grown wide at the other’s words, realization hitting him. How many times had Kaneki been left alone for him to be like this? How long had he waited for someone who would never come?

“Yeah,” he whispered, holding the boy’s small frame. “I told you- I’m gonna take care of you, see? So I won’t ever let you be lonely ever again. Promise.”

Kaneki smiled, tears still leaking from his eyes. “Promise,” he repeated.

* * *

 

As time passed, the days got shorter and colder. Kaneki’s fever hadn’t lasted too long, but Hide had brought him some medicine and warmer clothing to be safe. These had the extra and totally not planned benefit of allowing Hide to see how utterly adorable Kaneki was in big clothes- even though they weren’t that different in size, the sleeves were several inches too long and the coat went down to his knees.

“Thank you, Hide,” said the smaller boy, blushing slightly, “but isn’t this a little much?” He tugged at the wool cap sitting on his head uncertainly, fidgeting. Hide shook his head, grinning and very proud of himself.

“You think?” he asked. “I don’t see a problem with it. It gets pretty cold at night, you know.”

“Yeah, but… it’s not nighttime yet. It’s still warm out.” Hide pouted but conceded that he had a point.  Kaneki took the hat off but, on second thought, he picked up Tsuki and used it as a blanket for her.

“There,” he said, satisfied. “Now we can share.”

Hide blinked. Somehow the black-haired boy managed to make himself more endearing with everything he did.

“You are _so cute!_ ” He once more flung himself at his friend, careful this time not to knock him over. Kaneki made that adorable squeaking sound and stammered incoherently. Hide laughed as he attempted to hide behind the hat full of kitten in his arms, blushing furiously. He didn’t intend to be mean, but the temptation was too strong to resist. Still grinning, he sat next to where the other had sunk to the floor and put an arm around his shoulders, humming lightly.

From next to him a small voice mumbled, “Why do you do this to me…?” When he looked over he found that Kaneki had raised his eyes ever so slightly to see over Tsuki’s fur.

“Because you’re my friend, and that means I get to embarrass you,” he said simply. Kaneki made a distressed sound in the back of his throat but leaned against the blond anyway. “See? You love me.”

“Mmm,” he nodded, closing his eyes.

“Hey, don’t go to sleep on me here!” Hide laughed, nudging his friend with his shoulder.

“I’m not,” Kaneki reassured him. “It’s just comfortable here.”

“What, on concrete?”

“No,” he mumbled, snuggling closer. “With you.”

Kaneki couldn’t see because his eyes were closed, but Hide’s face had turned bright red. _I guess we know who’s the real embarrassing one here,_ he thought.

Despite what he had said, Kaneki did end up dozing off for a few minutes, though he vehemently denied having done so.

“Like I said,” he argued, “I was just resting a little.” He tried to look angry, but the effect was ruined when he sneezed. Actually, Hide had thought it was Tsuki at first until he heard the other sniff and groan.

“There, see, you _are_ getting cold,” he said, putting his hands on his hips. “I knew you would. Now keep this on this time, okay?” He unwrapped the scarf from around his neck and draped it across Kaneki’s shoulders with a nod. Kaneki sniffed again and accepted the gift without complaint.

“Honestly, you need to take better care of yourself. I don’t wanna come by one say and see you turned into a popsicle, alright?” When Kaneki didn’t answer Hide put both hands on his face and squished his cheeks. “I said, _alright?_ ”

“Awwrite…” Kaneki mumbled, pulling his face free. Tsuki looked between the two of them and meowed loudly, diverting both of their attentions. She blinked at them expectantly and they both laughed, shifting so she could fit in the space between them.

“Guess she got kinda bored with us just sitting here,” Hide said. “Oh yeah, that reminds me, I got this new toy she might like…”

A few weeks after that, it snowed for the first time that year. Kaneki’s eyes shone with wonderment at the gentle white flakes, catching them in his hands and watching them melt away.

“You act like you’ve never seen snow before,” laughed Hide. Kaneki shook his head.

“I’ve seen it,” he said. “Only momma always said not to go outside since it was too cold. But since I have the things you gave me, it’s okay now!” He touched the scarf around his neck and smiled happily.

“Oh, yeah?” asked Hide, mentally congratulating himself. “That means you’ve never had a snowball fight, huh?” Before Kaneki could ask what that was, he was hit in the back of the head with something very cold.

“?!” he cried, turning around with a look of betrayal on his face. Hide grinned at him, tossing another snowball into the air.

“Arm yourself, my friend!” he called in an over-exaggerated manner.

“Ah, w- wait!” Kaneki stammered, trying to gather snow in his inexperienced hands. “I’m not rea-!” Another snowball hit him, this time right in the face. He spluttered, wiping it off as best he could, and glared.

“That’s not fair,” he complained, nose and ears already turning red from the cold.

“Be faster then,” Hide smirked with no remorse.

As it turned out, provoking Kaneki had been a mistake- he may not have been very big, but the boy could throw. _Not that it makes much of a difference,_ Hide considered as they both lay on their backs panting. _We’re both soaked anyways._

“Ugh, now we’re gonna have to get changed,” he complained. “Why can’t my clothes just magically be dry again? I don’t wanna do work…”

“I don’t think changing clothes counts as work…” Kaneki told him.

“Yeah, but still. All my dry stuff is in the hideout, which means I have to walk.” He sighed, siting up. “Oh well. No choice, I guess.”

“Uh!” Kaneki blurted, grabbing Hide’s hand. “I… I’ll go… I’ll go with you!” he stammered. Hide blinked.

“You sure?” he asked. “It’s not that far. I can bring your stuff back for you.”

“I… yeah, I’m sure. I’ll bring Tsuki, and we can all go together.” Hide looked at the blush slowly spreading across his face and smiled.

“Oh…?” he smirked. “Why Kaneki, if I didn’t know any better, I’d say you were just trying to spend more time with me.”

“…! I-I wasn’t!” Kaneki protested. When Hide’s expression didn’t change, he cried, “Shut up! I’m getting Tsuki!” and ran off.

Hide nodded in dismissal, still grinning. He sat back down in the snow, humming to himself. A few minutes later Kaneki returned, conspicuously lacking a kitten.

“Hide?” he asked. “Did Tsuki run by here that you saw?” Hide shook his head, frowning.

“Was she not in her bed?” Kaneki answered negatively. “You’re sure? You didn’t miss her or anything?”

“I looked,” Kaneki told him defensively. “She wasn’t there. That’s why I thought…” Neither of them needed to say what they were both thinking. Tsuki was small and pale, so she’d be nearly impossible to find her in all the snow.

“We… we’ll split up,” said Hide. “That way we can find her faster.” Kaneki hesitated, but nodded.

“Meet back here if you find her!” Hide called after him.

In the end, it was Kaneki who made the discovery.  From the looks of it, she had gotten in a fight with a bigger animal and lost, though it was hard to say for sure. Hide walked over slowly, taking one of his friend’s hands in his own and squeezing gently.

“…I’m sorry,” he said anyway, looking down. “I should have kept a better eye on her. I’m the one who started the snowball fight, so…”

Kaneki shook his head. “It wasn’t your fault,” he said calmly. “She hadn’t been Chosen, is all. The ones who aren’t Chosen don’t get a happy ending.”

Hide blinked. The way Kaneki said those things, without any feeling or expression, was startling. All of a sudden, he was reminded of how little they knew about each other- Kaneki had a life beyond their interactions, and it affected him in was that Hide might never be able to understand.

“…We should bury her,” he said, releasing Kaneki’s hand. The black-haired boy nodded in silent agreement, picking up the frail body and cradling it gently.

“Good night, Tsuki,” he whispered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so I lied a bit. This one is a little sad. As far as I can tell, at least. I don't know if anyone's actually reading this anymore, but I'm gonna keep posting it anyway.


	15. Even Your Love is a Lie, I…

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The fear of your innocence being consumed only allows you to see half of the world! –Yuri

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello? ...Is anybody out there?  
> I'm kinda lonely over here.  
> Talk to me....

After Tsuki’s funeral, neither of them mentioned her again. It wasn’t intentional, exactly, but without realizing it she had become a part of the past. It was hard enough having her shadow hanging over them without staring it in the face- those smiles of Kaneki’s that Hide loved became less frequent and more difficult to coax out. Something between them had changed, and they were both too scared to acknowledge it.

“…Hide?” They were sitting at the top of the hill, side-by-side but not touching. Kaneki kept his head down as he spoke, voice quiet. “If… If I were to disappear… what would you do?”

Something in his voice worried Hide, and he sat up straighter. “I’d look for you,” he said. “I’d get worried that you weren’t there, and then I’d look all over until I found you.”

“But…” Obviously that answer wasn’t satisfactory. Kaneki hesitated, searching for the right words. Finally he sighed and settled with asking, “Why?”

Hide blinked, confused. Wasn’t it obvious? “Because we’re friends,” he said simply. “That’s what friends do.”

For the first time, Kaneki looked up. “Then…” he began uncertainly. “Why are you friends with me?”

The question was simple enough, but he had a feeling that the meaning behind it was deeper than it seemed. He wanted to ask what it meant, but he didn’t want to push Kaneki too far before he was ready so he waited.

“I… I wasn’t… _wanted_ ,” he said after a long pause. “I’m not supposed to _be_ here. The thing with me is… I’ll disappear eventually, since nobody wants me. Being friends with someone like me, someone who isn’t Chosen… it can’t end well.  So why are you still here?” His voice broke at the end of the question and he buried his head in his knees, sniffling. Hide’s face fell, beginning to understand.

“They told me,” whispered the black-haired boy. “They said Momma and Papa aren’t gonna come back anymore and that I’m gonna be alone. And… I already sort of was, but at least I could pretend. I could pretend that they’d come back for me eventually, and then we could be a family again. But they didn’t- and now they’re _never_ gonna and I’m all alone and they never _Chose_ me, _nobody_ Chose me, and _I don’t wanna disappear…!_ ” By that point he was sobbing, holding his sides like he was trying to keep himself from falling apart. Just looking at him, Hide’s heart broke.

“You won’t,” he said, pulling the other into his arms. “I’m not gonna let you disappear, okay? I’m gonna protect you.”

Kaneki shook his head, still crying. “It’s not…” he hiccupped, “It’s not like that. I don’t have a choice. All the ones who aren’t Chosen have to go to the _Broiler_ so they can be erased. It’s just what happens.”

 _The broiler…?_ It wasn’t anything Hide had ever heard of before, but it sounded utterly terrifying. Regardless, right now he had to focus on making Kaneki feel better.

“That’s only people who aren’t Chosen though, right?” Kaneki looked up, confused. “That’s easy then! If somebody Chooses you, you won’t have to go anywhere!”

“…I guess, but…” Kaneki didn’t seem convinced. “I can’t just ask someone to-”

“Nooo,” Hide interrupted him. “I meant _me!_ _I’ll_ Choose you!”

Kaneki stared at him with wide eyes. His tears had finally stopped, only to be replaced with a look of utter bewilderment. He opened his mouth but it took several moments for anything to come out. “I… you can’t just… someone like me is…”

Hide sighed, looking his friend in the eye. “Kaneki,” he said. “I love you. More than anything else in the whole world, okay? I don’t want you to say you’ll disappear.” He smiled sadly, pulling him closer.

“I love you,” he repeated. “I love you so much.”

Kaneki sniffed, and ever so slowly brought his hands to up to clutch at Hide’s back. “I’m sorry,” he whispered through tears. “Thank you…”

* * *

 

When his parents announced the new arrival, Hide wasn’t expecting much. They had guests and visitors all the time, and he had learned to ignore them. This particular guest, however, was different. He had been cleaned up and given newer clothes, but it was still…

“Kaneki?”

After _that_ day, Hide had promised his friend that he would make a place where they could be safe. It bothered him that they couldn’t just run away together from the start, but the rational part of him knew that neither of them had the means to last long on their own. So he had asked his parents if Kaneki could stay with them. They had been surprised, since he rarely asked them for anything- let alone something of this magnitude- but they had told him that they would try to find a place for him. That had been almost two days ago, and Hide had begun to worry that they had sent him off to some home without saying anything. But… he was here now, really here, and all of Hide’s worried went out the window.

“Where were you?!” he cried, jumping on the smaller boy. “I missed you!”

Kaneki gasped and squirmed, trying to free himself. “I’m… gah! I’m sorry!” If he had hoped that apologizing would cause Hide to release him, he was mistaken. The blond boy only clung tighter, grinning.

“Are you staying? Does this mean you’re staying?”

“Ah… yes.” Kaneki resigned himself to his place on the floor. “Your mother and father were very kind to me and have agreed to let me stay here.”

Hide blinked. “How come you’re being so formal all of a sudden?”

“Formal…?” Kaneki tilted his head in thought. “Habit, I guess.”

 _Oh, right. He doesn’t have much experience with adults, does he?_ “Well that’s no good,” Hide laughed. “If you’re gonna stay here then that means we’re a family! So there’s no need to be formal or anything, okay?”

At that, Kaneki’s eyes widened and a smile began to stretch across his face. “We’re a family,” he repeated. “Hide is my family!”

“That’s right,” Hide told him. “And we’re gonna be together forever and ever, okay? I promise.”

Kaneki adapted to the Washuus without much difficulty. As far as Hide could tell, the most challenging thing for him was getting used to being treated like he really mattered. Every time someone asked for his opinion or offered to do something for him, his eyebrows would fly up in surprise. And every time, Hide would have to reassure him that it was okay to be cared for and that he didn’t have to apologize for it.

The two of them spent almost all of their time together, regardless of what they were doing. Their bedrooms were directly across from each other, so it wasn’t uncommon for one or the other to sneak over to talk late into the night. When spring rolled around, they were enrolled in the same class, and they would walk there and back holding hands.

“Hey, I’ll race you there!” called Hide, dropping Kaneki’s hand and running ahead. Kaneki started before frowning and beginning to chase after him.

“That’s not fair!” he cried. “You got a head start!”

“Try to catch up then!”

In the end, there was no competition. Hide was much faster, and by the time Kaneki reached the school gates he had been waiting for almost two minutes.

“Man, you’re pretty slow, huh?” Hide laughed. Kaneki would have had a retort, but he was too busy trying to catch his breath.

“…Hey, you okay?” Hide’s laughter had died down but Kaneki was still having trouble breathing. “Kaneki? Hey, what’s wrong?”

“Hah… I’m okay…” Kaneki panted. “Just… went a little too fast, is all…” He straightened and waved his hands to prove that he was alright. Hide frowned, skeptical.

“If you say so…” Still, he decided to keep an eye on the other just to be safe. Fortunately, it didn’t look like there was anything wrong with him- aside from a minor cough fit during P.E., he showed no signs of illness.  _Allergies, maybe? I wonder if he’s ever been tested for that sort of thing…_

At any rate, Kaneki himself didn’t seem at all concerned about it. School had become one of his favorite places, and he was enjoying every second of it. Despite having no previous experience with education, he caught up with incredible ease and was actually near the top of the class. In addition, he was surrounded by people his age, all of whom he could talk to and be friends with. He’d had a bit of trouble at first do to shyness, but with Hide acting as a go-between he had quickly warmed up to his classmates.

“Hide… what’re you thinking about?” They were on their way home and Hide had been a little spaced out.

“Hmm? What do you think I’m thinking about?”

Kaneki frowned. Hide had a bad habit of answering questions with questions. “I don’t know,” he said.

“You.” No matter how many times he did it, making Kaneki blush was still one of Hide’s favorite activities. The smaller boy turned bright red and he sputtered incoherently, hiding his face in his collar.

“How can you just say stuff like that…?” he whined.

“’Cause you’re my favorite,” Hide smiled.

“!!!! I- I’m going ahead!” Kaneki cried, dashing off.

“Ah, wait…!” _Oh, there he goes. See, he can be fast if he tries._ Hide frowned, remembering that morning. “Hey, hold up!”

When he got home, he found out from Matsuri that Kaneki had shut himself in his room. “What did you say to him this time?” his brother asked.

“Nothing?” They both knew he was lying.

“Yeah, well, go make sure you didn’t give him a heart attack.”

“Will do!” Hide gave a salute and hopped up the stairs to check on his friend.

“Kaneki?” he said, knocking gently. “You in there?” When he didn’t receive an answer he opened the door, carefully poking his head inside. Kaneki sat curled over on his bed, coughing.

“Kaneki?” He rushed over, laying a hand on the other’s back. “Hey, what is it? I knew you were sick or something- do you need a doctor?”

Kaneki shook his head, trying to clear his throat. “No, I- _cough_ \- I’m okay, I just- _cough_ \- give me a minute.” Hide sat nervously, fidgeting with concern. After a few minutes the coughing finally settled down and Kaneki was able to breath normally.

“…You’re sure you’re okay?” asked Hide.

“Yeah… sorry. I didn’t mean to worry you.”

“Kaneki, of course I’m gonna worry about you! I already told you that I want to keep you safe, you know? If there’s something wrong, you can totally tell me.”

Kaneki looked down, biting his lip. “It’s really nothing…” he said. “Just... my body… isn’t that strong, so… it gets hard to breath sometimes. It pretty much only happens if I push myself too much, so it’s not a problem, really.”

Hide looked at him to check for lies, but didn’t find any. “What’s so bad about that?” he asked. “How come you didn’t just say so?”

Kaneki averted his gaze. “That’s ’cause… Hide, you’re always so energetic and running around… and I didn’t want you to feel like you had to hold back or anything because of me.” He lowered his head, still not meeting Hide’s gaze.

Hide flicked the back of his head. “Are you that dumb?” Kaneki spun around, a look of betrayal on his face. “What do you think is more important, my boredom or your health? Seriously, you need to take better care of yourself! I can afford to slow down a little bit if it meant keeping you out of the hospital. Hey, look at me. Do you get it?”

Slowly, Kaneki nodded. “…Sorry,” he mumbled.

“Don’t apologize!” said Hide cheerfully. “As long as you’re still here it’s fine! Now, I’m kinda tired, so I vote we stay up here and not get out of bed until dinnertime. Sound good?”

“But… our homework?”

“Oh come on, you know as well as I do how easy that stuff is. Right now I’m lonely and I want to cuddle.” He raised his eyebrows pleadingly, giving his best puppy-dog eyes until Kaneki gave in. The black-haired boy shifted closer, cautiously lying down beside the blond. Hide responded by wrapping him in a full body hug, grinning. Kaneki tensed at the unexpected contact but gradually relaxed again, fitting his body against Hide’s.

“…Is this okay?” whispered Hide. Kaneki shifted and nodded, humming in contentment. He shivered slightly and coughed once before resettling with a sigh.

“…Good.” They lay there in silence, listening to each other’s quiet breathing. Hide let his fingers brush against Kaneki’s cheek, drawing swirls and stars on the skin. It must have tickled, because Kaneki smiled just a bit and giggled.

 _Cute…_ Up close he could see all the details of Kaneki’s face that he’d never noticed before. Like how his eyelashes were so long they brushed his cheeks, which made his eyes twitch whenever he moved. Or the way his mouth opened with a tiny pop every time he inhaled. Or… Hide frowned. Behind his right ear was a thin white scar, stretching nearly to the back of his neck.

 _Who gave this to you?_ he wondered. He wanted to ask, but Kaneki looked so at peace that he couldn’t bring himself to say anything. Instead he tucked the boy’s black hair behind that ear and placed a kiss on it. Kaneki didn’t move, already half asleep.

“…” Hide hated it. He hated how much pain the other had gone through, that he hadn’t been able to do anything sooner.

“I’m gonna keep you safe,” he promised to the sleeping boy. “I’m never gonna let anything hurt you again.” He took one pale hand in his own and held it as he wrapped his other arm around Kaneki’s shoulders, sheltering him.

“Sweet dreams, Kaneki.”

* * *

 

“...convenient, isn’t it? We didn’t even have to lift a finger.”

“Yes, it is. My only worry is that Hideyoshi will be upset when something happens to him.”

“Oh, that shouldn’t be a problem. That thing was abandoned for good reason, after all. The boy may _think_ he cares about it, but before long he’ll realize that it doesn’t matter.”

“True. And I suppose that even if it were to affect him, it wouldn’t be the worst thing to happen. I’d just rather not have to answer any prying questions.”

“Everything will go as planned, I’m sure of it. After all, nobody misses one who wasn’t Chosen, right…?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some of these chapters are named after episodes of the original series, and the rest are named for various songs from the soundtrack. I seriously doubt anyone's still reading this, but on the off chance that someone's still here I made a list of the songs so you can get an idea of what I'm listening to when I write stuff.
> 
> https://drive.google.com/file/d/0ByPzxdawzlFbbmNfQlU1OEdDM00/view?usp=sharing


	16. Thank You for Choosing Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The sins of the parents aren’t shared by the children. I no longer have particular feelings towards them. -Tabuki

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Final chapter of the flashback arc!

It started out as something small. One night Kaneki slipped into his room, no doubt trying not to wake him, but Hide heard and turned on a light.

“Kaneki…?” he asked. The smaller boy jumped and lowered his head, hiding his face with his bangs. Hide got out of bed and walked over to his friend, taking both of his hands in concern.

“Hey, what’s up? You have trouble sleeping?” Kaneki shook his head, and that’s when Hide noticed the tears leaking from his eyes.

“Hey, hey there,” he whispered, hoping to be comforting. “What’s wrong? Did you have a nightmare?” Gently, he brought a hand to Kaneki’s chin and lifted it so he could see the other’s face. Kaneki’s eyes were large and watery, and his lips were trembling. Without a word he threw his arms around Hide and buried his face in the blond’s chest.

“I…” he gasped, shaking. “I…!”

Hide moved his hands to the other’s back, rubbing soothing circles and whispering quietly.

“It’s okay,” he murmured. “You don’t need to be afraid anymore. I’m here. I’m gonna protect you.”

“Nnn…!” Kaneki was still struggling to form words. “Nn… Not…” He broke off, sniffling.

“Huh? Is that not it?” Again the black-haired boy shook his head, gripping Hide’s shirt even tighter.

“Hi- Hide…” he tried, drawing in quick breaths. “I… Hide…” The two were pressed so tightly together that Hide doubted there was even a millimeter of space left between them, but Kaneki was still searching for more contact, almost as if…

As if he were trying to reassure himself that Hide was still there?

“Hey, sweetheart, it’s okay,” Hide whispered. He gently pulled Kaneki’s hands from his shirt and moved them to his face. “Can you look at me? There you go. I’m right here, see? I’m not gonna go anywhere. I would never leave you alone like that, okay? No matter what happens, I’m always gonna be here for you. So don’t you worry about that, alright?”

Kaneki brought his shaking hands to his eyes, wiping away his tears. After several moments of hiccupping he had finally calmed down enough to nod hesitantly. Even then he bit his lip and with a dejected expression, whispered a muted, “…I’m sorry.”

Hide tilted his head. “Sorry…? For coming into my room? You know there’s nothing to apologize for, right? There’s absolutely nothing you could do that would make me get upset at you.”

“…Yeah, but…” Kaneki wiped at his eyes again. “I bothered you… and I woke you up… even though it was stupid-”

Hide cut him off before he could finish his sentence by grabbing his hands. “It’s not stupid,” he said firmly. “If it makes you feel better, then it’s absolutely not stupid.” There was a moment of silence where Hide could practically see the gears of doubt and guilt turning in Kaneki’s head, so he spoke again before they could get any further.

“I mean it,” he said. “You’re not a bother. And don’t even think about trying to go back to your room at this point. I can tell that you’re thinking about it, but I’m not gonna let you. You’re still upset, and if you don’t let me keep an eye on you I’m gonna get worried, okay?” They both knew that was only half of the truth, but neither of them pointed it out. Kaneki came close, opening his mouth as if to protest, but in the end he closed it again and nodded silently.  Hide smiled at him and took his hands, gently leading him over to the bed. He waited until the other was comfortably settled before turning off the light and climbing under the covers.

Even though Kaneki seemed more relaxed, he was still avoiding eye contact. Hide scooted over until they were face to face, brushing black bangs to the side.

“You’re okay,” he told him. “I don’t mind this at all. I just wanna make sure that you feel like you’re safe, okay? You can come in here any time you need, and I’ll always be here. Okay?”

Kaneki lowered his gaze, trying to look away even though their noses were pressed together.

“…scared,” he mumbled. Hide drew back a fraction of an inch, trying to hear better.

“I’m scared,” Kaneki repeated quietly. “I… don’t wanna go back to sleep. Cause when I’m awake, I can be with Hide, but when I’m sleeping…”

Hide smiled sadly and nodded in understanding. “It’s okay,” he said reassuringly. “You can just lie here for now and try to get some rest that way. Do you want me to tell you a story or something?” Kaneki blinked in surprise but nodded. Hide sat up straighter and let the black-haired boy lean on his chest, closing his eyes in contentment.

“Okay, let’s see,” he began. “Once upon a time there was a girl named Mary…”

* * *

 

Kaneki fell asleep about halfway through the story. When they woke up with their legs wrapped together and lying in each other’s arms he blushed, but it didn’t take long for Hide to talk him down from it. After that they ate breakfast and went to school, and that should have been the end of it.

Except Kaneki had the same nightmare the next night. And the one after that, and the next, and the next. After about a week it became normal for Kaneki just to sleep in Hide’s bed, but the dreams didn’t stop. Even when the smaller boy gained the courage to describe what he saw, he couldn’t explain it in a way that helped Hide comfort him. All he could say was that it was a dream of something happening to Hide that he couldn’t stop, even though he wanted to.

By the second week, the dreams were clearly beginning to take their toll on the young boy. He was tired almost all the time, but he couldn’t sleep. His attention kept drifting and he had trouble focusing in school. Their parents must have noticed, but none of them commented on it.

The week before Kaneki’s 9th birthday, he came down with a fever. Hide shouldn’t have been surprised, considering how exhausted the younger boy was, but he was worried. Whenever Kaneki had gotten sick in the past, it always passed quickly and without any trouble. Now…

He quietly snuck into the black-haired boy’s room, careful not to make too much noise in case the other’s head was hurting. Kaneki wasn’t asleep but his eyes were closed and his eyebrows were drawn together. Without a word, Hide swapped out the cloth on his forehead for a fresh one and sat down next to his friend, taking one of his hands and rubbing circles on the back.

“Hi…de?” Kaneki cracked his eyes open, his fever causing them to glaze over.

“Hey,” Hide whispered. “How’re you feeling?”

“…Hurts…”

“It hurts? Where? Your head? Stomach?”

Kaneki squeezed his eyes shut again and shook his head. “ _Hurts_ ,” he repeated in a strained voice. He tried to hold onto the blond’s shirt but his grip was pitifully weak and his hand fell back to his side. Hide frowned in worry- what was wrong with him? The doctor had been by a couple of times to check, but it didn’t seem like anything had changed. If anything, he was only getting worse with each day that passed.

_If this keeps up…_ No, he couldn’t think like that. Everything would be fine, it had to be. Kaneki would get better soon and they’d celebrate his birthday together, and when winter break ended they’d go back to school and everything would be how it was supposed to be.

Right?

* * *

 

Kaneki stopped eating. Rather, he found that no matter what he ate, he couldn’t keep anything down. By this point, Hide was more scared than he’d ever been in his entire life. His parents couldn’t tell him what was happening in Kaneki’s body, and the doctor refused to talk about it. From what he could see, it looked like his best friend was simply falling apart.

What made it worse was that nobody in his family seemed to care. Matsuri had never had much to do with either of them, but his parents began acting as if Kaneki had never existed. Tables were set for four people, and the boy in the upstairs bedroom was conveniently forgotten.

“Why does it matter?” asked Matsuri after Hide had been pestering him for almost half an hour. “It’s not like he’s actually part of the family. Isn’t it better him than us?”

_Better him than us?_

_Better him than us?_

_Better?_

That couldn’t be it. There had to be something else, right? A different explanation?

“If… if he dies…”He didn’t want to ask this question. “If he dies, what’re you gonna do?” His parents looked at him with bemused expressions.

“We understand that you’re trying to be nice,” his mother said. “And it’s a wonderful gesture on your part. But you need to recognize when it’s time to let go of things that weren’t meant to be saved.”

_...Things? Kaneki’s not a thing. He’s a person. He’s a person and I love him and I don’t want him to not be saved._

“If it makes you feel bad, just remember that it could be you otherwise.”

_...Me?_

_Kaneki… he’s suffering… instead of me?_

_‘Better him than us.’_

_This is why they wanted him._

_He was never meant to be saved._

_For such a reason, they…_

_Kaneki!_

* * *

 

_All actions have consequences. For every kindness, there is a reward. For every sin, there is a punishment._

_Who is the one to decide these things? Doesn’t it seem awfully unfair? Of course it is. Even one who is innocent could be punished in the stead of those who are guilty, simply by the act of association._

_If that’s the case…how far could it go? Could an innocent be punished in the place of one who was never meant to be harmed? In the end… who is truly to blame for these sins? Does it even matter? As long as someone pays the price for it…_

_That’s fine, right?_

* * *

 

“Hide?” Kaneki’s voice was broken and weak, barely audible from under the covers. Hide clutched the bag in his hand, pulling Kaneki’s hat and scarf from a drawer.

“It’s okay,” he said quietly, going over to help the sick boy sit up. “You’re gonna be okay now. We’re gonna go somewhere safe, okay?” Kaneki, still dazed, blinked as Hide began wrapping him in layers.

“…Go?” he asked.

Hide nodded. “We can’t stay here like this,” he said sadly. “It’s not safe. If we can get away from them… we won’t have anything to do with it anymore. Then you won’t be hurt again, and we can be happy. Okay? You don’t have to get it right now- just trust me to protect you.” He finished dressing the other and hesitated.

“You… can you walk? Here, hold on.” He knelt by the side of the bed and leaned over. “Grab onto me,” he instructed. Kaneki looked uncertain, but did as he was told. Not until that moment had Hide realized how much weight his friend had lost, and he was terrified. The black-haired boy’s head lolled on his shoulders as he drifted in and out of consciousness, so Hide tightened his grip.

“It’s okay,” he repeated, mostly to himself. “I won’t let them hurt you.”

* * *

 

“Hide, it’s morning! Wake up!”

Hide groaned as a large weight suddenly flopped down on him, waving his hands in a pathetic attempt to shake himself free. When that didn’t work, he very grudgingly opened his eyes. Kaneki’s face smiled back at him, lighting up when he saw that Hide was awake. The black-haired boy nuzzled into the blonde’s neck, sighing contentedly. Hide blinked a few times and looked around his room while he tried to clear his head. The space in the bed next to him was rumpled and Kaneki was currently sitting at his feet, so the younger boy must have snuck into his room some time during the night. The time was…

“Oh, crap! I’m gonna be late for school!” Hide bolted out of bed and scrambled to get his uniform on. Once he was dressed he looked up to check on Kaneki, who was giggling. For a brief moment Hide’s expression turned gentle as he watched the other, remembering what they had been through to get to this moment. Even after escaping the Washuu, it had been a long time before Kaneki recovered. Even now his health was precarious and he had to stay home while Hide went to school.

Legally speaking, they were living with Hide’s uncle, a man named Nagachika Kei, but such a person didn’t really exist. Hide had made up the name after they had run away and, with the help of some sympathetic associates who disagreed with the way the Washuu operated, they had managed to find a safe place to start over.

The strange thing was that after the worst of his sickness had passed, Kaneki seemed to have no memory of the events prior to their escape. He simply accepted that he and Hide lived together with no questions asked. On one hand it was a little concerning, but Hide decided that it was for the better that Kaneki didn’t remember. He took it upon himself to act as the younger boy’s guardian, providing for him as best as he could. Though it was hard at times, he kept at it and was always quick to reassure Kaneki that everything was alright.

_I’m gonna protect you, Kaneki._

_No matter what._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy summer, guys! Please write comments, I'm lonely. Even just to say hi or something, I don't care. I looked at the hit count and I know there are still people reading this, and I want to talk to you.


	17. HEROES

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Why do we continue to hurt each other with superficial words? -Shouma

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, this chapter's really short. Sorry about that. The next one's longer.

“He’s a fucking asshole.”

Touka crossed her arms, scowling at the table. Sitting across from her were Nishiki and his girlfriend Kimi. They’d known each other for several years, and the two of them often watched over Hinami when Touka was busy. They also knew about her history with Hide, so she could complain to them without worrying.

“Touka-chan…” said Kimi, trying to get her to calm down. “I’m sure it’s not as bad as that-” she cut herself off at the look on Touka’s face.

“It is _so_ as bad as that,” Touka vented. “He just _dumped_ this… this _kid_ on me and then left! Seriously, fuck him!”

“That ‘kid’ is like, two years older than you,” Nishiki pointed out.

“I literally do not care. I just wish he’d get his damn act together and stop being such a self-centered prick!”

There was a moment of silence while Touka caught her breath after her outburst. Kimi sighed and shot a glance towards the living room where the boy in question was sleeping. When Touka had called them earlier with an ‘issue,’ she had to admit that she hadn’t been expecting anything like this.

“So? What’re you gonna go with him?” asked Nishiki after a point.

“Eh, I’ll drop him off at the whatever-it-is and be done with it.” She leaned back in her chair and scowled. “It’s not _my_ problem.”

But that child shivering underneath the blankets… the one clinging to his friend’s back in the early morning… He didn’t really do anything wrong, did he? He was like Hinami, caught up in something he couldn’t do anything about.

_No, stop right there. I’m not going to think like that. I can’t afford to worry about him._

_It’s not my problem._

* * *

 

The day was surprisingly bright for how cloudy it had been in the morning. Hinami ran ahead, splashing through puddles left over from the rain the night before and laughing.

“Hina! Careful or you’ll get your dress wet!” Touka called after her. Hinami paused and looked down, thinking.

“But that’s okay, isn’t it? I like the water!” And with that she began splashing again.

Touka sighed. “You’re gonna drip all over the doctor’s office,” she muttered, but didn’t really care if Hinami heard her or not.

By the time they actually made it into the waiting room, the younger girl was soaked to the bone as a result of tripping in a particularly deep puddle. They attracted some strange looks, but Touka had gotten quite good at ignoring other people so they didn’t bother her too much.

“Fueguchi Hinami-san?” called a nurse. Hinami stood cheerfully and followed her to the back for her checkup. Touka went with another doctor to get the results from the last appointment and see what else there was they could do.

“For the most part she seems to be holding steady,” he said, consulting his charts. “It’s certainly an improvement over her previous condition. My main concern is the risk of sudden regression.”

“Regression?” asked Touka, worried. “What’re the odds of that?”

The doctor frowned in thought. “It’s difficult to say exactly. In less severe cases, an improvement like this usually means that the treatments are taking effect and the patient is officially in remission. For Fueguchi-san… I’m afraid our only option is to wait and see.”

_Wait and see… they say that every time. Don’t they know_ anything?!

From the very beginning, Hinami’s condition had been a mystery to any doctor who examined her. On some level, Touka could understand that, but it still pissed her off. Weren’t these people supposed to be professionals? Figuring out things that they didn’t understand was their _job_. So how could this much time have passed and yet they still knew nothing about how to cure her?

“I…I see,” she said instead. “Thank you for telling me. Have there been any other changes?”

“Nothing we haven’t addressed. If she begins to show any signs of worsening, make sure to give us a call right away, alright? The sooner we can catch any complications, the better.”

Touka nodded in appreciation and made her way back to the waiting room. In her head she was scowling, but she knew not to let it show. _Of course I’m gonna call the doctor if something happens,_ she ranted to herself. _I’m not an idiot._

As she waited for Hinami to be done with her appointment, she let her mind wander. _Penguindrum… I should have asked_ him _if he had figured anything out about it. Ugh, why am I always like that? Thinking about it now, that was pretty stupid. Even if I_ could _find him now, there’s no way he’d help. Damnit, when did he get the upper hand here? Damn asshole._

“Onee-chan, I’m back!” Touka looked up as Hinami called out to her, blinking is surprise.

“Hina, what happened to your dress?” Instead of the green one with clover patterns she had worn _to_ the doctor’s, her current outfit was blue and white.

“Yoriko-san let me borrow this,” smiled Hinami. “She works here sometimes, and she’s super nice. See, that’s her.” She pointed to a girl around Touka’s age sitting behind the receptionist’s desk. The girl noticed and waved before going back to her work.

“Huh, so she’s like a volunteer or something. Did you make sure to thank her? She didn’t have to do that, you know.”

“I know,” Hinami pouted. “I said thank you, and I said that I’d bring this dress back the next time I had an appointment.” She smiled proudly, obviously expecting praise.

“Good girl,” Touka humored her. “Hey, how about we go get some ice cream after this? It’s been a while since we’ve treated ourselves.”

“Yay! Ice cream!”

* * *

 

“Well, isn’t that sweet.”

“I agree. Going that far for love… It’s downright adorable!”

“Isn’t it though? It’s so cute that I just want to crush their happiness under my feet!”

“Oh, don’t be crude. It’s far more entertaining to see their faces slowly twist into looks of despair, wouldn’t you say?”

“Mmm… but that takes so _long_ … I like tearing their dreams to bits all at once, right in front of their eyes.”

“That’s because you lack patience. You need to learn self-control.”

“Huh? But we’re only here because _none_ of us have any self-control!”

“Well at least some of us have learned to fake it.”

“Then again, there’s practically nothing that we _don’t_ fake, at this point.”

“Hmm… you may be right. But that’s all part of the fun, isn’t it?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I've been trying to stay ahead in my writing of this in order to keep a regular updating schedule, but I'm slowly running out of pre-written chapters since it takes more than three days to finish one. I have a couple options here: put the story on hiatus until I get farther ahead, change the updating schedule to once a week, or keep doing one every three days until I run out of pre-written stuff and then update whenever I finish a chapter. What do you think I should do?


	18. So Please Be There for Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When the future becomes true, my precious things will become eternal! –Ringo

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IMPORTANT NOTE: I'm adjusting the updating schedule. From here until the foreseeable future, chapters will come out once every week. So yeah, I'll see you guys next Wednesday.

_Of course things turned out this way._

Hinami’s next appointment wasn’t scheduled for several weeks, so she had asked Touka if they could visit the hospital anyways to return Yoriko’s dress. Touka had agreed, and they made it all the way there only to be told that “Kosaka-san isn’t here today.”

“Umm… is there any way we can contact her? She lent us this dress, and we’re trying to give it back, so…”

“Oh, I see! Wait here just a moment.” The receptionist went through some files before pulling out a sheet of paper and copying down a number. “You should be able to get in touch with her with this. You’re Hinami-chan, right? Kosaka-san talks about you quite a bit. You’re a very sweet girl, aren’t you?” Hinami blushed while Touka accepted the phone number gratefully.

_She’d probably be in school right now,_ she thought on their way home. _Better hold off for a while._

Once it hit five she figured that class would have let out and club activities would be over, so she sent a brief text message.

_> Is this Kosaka Yoriko?_

A minute later the response came in:

_> Yes, it is. May I ask what your name is?_

Touka’s first thought was _wow, polite_. Then she realized that to the other girl, it looked like a complete stranger was texting her. Anyone would be a little cautious.

_> Ah, I’m Kirishima Touka. Fueguchi Hinami’s ~~sister~~ cousin._

_> Oh, hello Kirishima-san! It’s a pleasure to meet you!_

_> You too, Kosaka-san._

_> Oh, you can call me Yoriko if you want._

_> Then, it’s nice to meet you, Yoriko. _

_> Was there something you needed from me?_

Oh, right. There was a point to this conversation, wasn’t there?

_> We still have the dress that you lent to Hinami, so I was wondering if there was a good time to return it?_

_> Oh, of course! Hinami-chan is more than welcome to keep it, if she’d like._

_> No, we couldn’t…_

_> Really, I don’t mind. But if you’re sure, I’ll be at the hospital on Friday, so I can meet you there._

_> Yeah, that works for me. What time?_

_> Mmm… does 4:30 sound okay?_

_> Sure, no problem. See you then?_

_> I’ll see you then!_

So that’s how she ended up at the hospital again, holding the blue-and-white dress in one hand and her cell phone in the other. _She_ did _say 4:30, right?_

“Kirishima-san! I’m sorry, were you waiting long?”

“Huh? Oh, no, I just got here.” More or less the truth, so whatever. More importantly, why wasn’t she wearing her uniform? Wasn’t she working?

“Oh, that’s good to hear. I just got off my shift, so I was worried that I would miss you.” Yoriko smiled and Touka tried to reciprocate. She laughed awkwardly and held out the dress.

“Anyway, here’s the dress. Thanks again for letting Hinami borrow it.”

Yoriko smiled again and shook her head. “It’s fine,” she said. “Oh, but I was wondering- are you doing anything after this?”

_Uh…_ “Um, I’m not… Like, I don’t have any plans or anything, if that’s what you mean.”

“Thank goodness!” Yoriko let out a sigh of relief. “I meant to ask you earlier, but I got nervous and never did. Would you maybe like to get something to drink with me?” She looked up at Touka hopefully. Touka, meanwhile, was floored. Was this an invitation to a social interaction? People actually asked other people to do things together? Not only that, but someone was actually inviting _her_?

“I… uh, I mean…”

Yoriko gasped. “Oh, you don’t have to if you don’t want to! I just thought I’d offer, so there’s no problem if you’d rather not.”

_Huh?_ “Wait, that’s not what I meant. Sure, I’ll go with you. I was just surprised is all. I don’t get invited to things that much.” Yoriko processed for a moment, then tilted her head.

“Really?” she asked in surprise. “You seem like the sort of person that would be really fun to hang out with!”

Silence. The two girls stared at each other, neither one exactly sure how to react. Yoriko looked like she wasn’t sure whether or not to be embarrassed, and Touka was simply speechless.

“…I’m sorry,” blushed Yoriko. “Let’s go?”

Touka was more than happy to oblige. They made their way over to a small café and ordered, sitting there uncertainly. “So, uh… you work at the hospital?” Immediately, Touka wished she could kick herself.   _Of course she does. That’s literally the whole point. Ugh, I don’t know how to people!_ Yoriko, however, didn’t seem to mind the stupid question.

“Yes! Well, I volunteer there. Most of the time I’m either at the front desk or organizing files, but sometimes I get to work as a nurse’s assistant.”

“Huh, really? Isn’t that hard?”

Yoriko smiled. “Not really- I just bring them records and prescription samples. Sometimes they let me spend time in the children’s ward, but a lot of the time my classes get out too late. What about you, Kirishima-san?”

“Huh?” She hadn’t really been expecting a question, so she wasn’t sure how to respond. Fortunately their drinks arrived at the same moment, so she was spared from looking like a _complete_ fool. “Sorry, what did you say?” she asked after the server had left.

“What sort of things do you do in your free time?” Yoriko clarified.

“Oh, uh… I spend most of it with Hinami. What we do is pretty much up to her.”

“Wow, that’s amazing!” Touka was confused, again, but Yoriko continued. “You take really good care of Hinami-chan, don’t you? She’s very lucky to have someone like you there for her. A lot of the kids at the hospital don’t have anyone to rely on.”

When Touka didn’t reply, Yoriko got flustered. “Oh, I’m sorry! Did I say too much…?”

Quickly, Touka shook her head. “No, that’s not it. I’m just… nobody’s ever said something that nice to me before. I’m just not used to it, I guess.” At that, Yoriko’s smile returned.

“Then I get to be the first! Don’t worry, Touka-chan, I’ll make sure that you hear so many nice things that you’ll get sick of them!” Her eyes were bright, but suddenly they went wide and she clapped her hands over her mouth. “Oops! I mean… was that okay?”

It took Touka a minute to even figure out what the other girl meant. “Oh, calling me by my first name? Don’t worry about it- I meant to say something sooner, but it never really came up.” Yoriko looked up, her face bright red.

“You’re sure? You’re not just saying that to be nice?”

For the first time, Touka laughed. “Trust me, I’m not _that_ nice. If I wasn’t cool with it, I’d say so.”

Yoriko looked uncertain, but she saw that Touka was telling the truth and nodded bashfully.

“Pfff… you’re funny.” It was just a muttered comment, but Yoriko heard it. Her smile grew even wider and she grabbed Touka’s hands.

“You smiled!” she said. “Just now, when we were talking, you smiled! You’re really pretty when you smile!” This time it was Touka’s turn to turn red.

“Oh my god,” she said, “stop now. I have officially reached my ‘nice things’ limit. If you don’t stop now I am actually going to die.” Yoriko’s only response was to smile harder.

* * *

 

“Wait, so you’re telling me that you _made_ that dress?!”

Yoriko smiled, embarrassed. “Sort of… it was based on a pattern, so all I did was follow the instructions. I had to hem it a little bit so it would fit Hinami-chan, but it was pretty close anyway so I didn’t really do that much.”

“ _’I didn’t really do that much,’_ she says. It totally looked professional! I swear, you’re unreal. You’re good with kids, you can cook, _and_ you can sew?! Share some of that talent with me, for real. I’m jealous.”

It had been a few weeks since Touka and Yoriko first met, and they had gotten together a couple of times since then. Despite this, Touka was constantly surprised by Yoriko’s abilities. Maybe it was just because she’d never really bothered to pay attention to people before, but the other girl was constantly defying her expectations.

“I could say the same thing to you, Touka-chan. You’re much smarter than I am, and you’re always so calm and responsible while I’m over here being an awkward klutz. Plus you’re way prettier than I am, and you’re more confident, and you really listen to people and understand them and I think that’s amazing.”

Yeah, like that. If Touka had been told to guess what Yoriko would say, it would _not_ have been that.

“Me? Understanding people? I don’t think I could understand people if my life depended on it.”

“Well, maybe not understand everything about them, but I don’t think anyone can do that. It’s just that when I’m talking to you, I feel like you genuinely care about what I’m saying. You may not know everything there is to know about me, but I can tell that you’re thinking about things from my point of view instead of just waiting for your turn to talk. It’s not so much about understanding the _minds_ of people as understanding their _hearts_ , and that’s not something everyone can do.”

Every time. Every single time this girl opened her mouth, she threw Touka for a loop, and honestly it was kind of exhilarating. With Hinami, she always had to be the responsible one and have everything under control. Growing up she’d been expected to be the model older sister- not that it had worked, but she’d tried. With Yoriko, she was free from those things. Yoriko was someone who didn’t know about her past or her situation, but was with her because she wanted to be.

Yoriko was a friend.

That’s what it was, wasn’t it? Yoriko was the first person to look at Touka without pity or ulterior motives, and in turn she was the first person Touka could feel comfortable with. They spent time together because they enjoyed each other’s company; they talked about stupid things and made jokes and complained about stuff that didn’t matter because that’s what friends did. Sure, they hadn’t known each other that long, but it felt like it had been a lot longer.

“Touka-chan? Are you okay?”

Touka blinked, returning to the present. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “Sorry, I kinda zoned out for a minute there.”

Yoriko giggled, bringing a hand to her mouth. “You’re funny,” she said.

_You don’t know,_ Touka thought. _You don’t know the messed-up stuff I’m involved in. You probably wouldn’t want to be friends with me if you did know. But you let me forget all of that, so just for now…_

“Sure, whatever you say.”

_Let me keep pretending._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some nice fluffy stuff before things go downhill again.


	19. Come Back to Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I’ve been turning a blind eye to the fact that you sacrificed everything for me. –Himari

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, people! It's Wednesday! Have a chapter.

_Hide… where are you? Are you going somewhere? Don’t leave me behind, Hide. I miss you. Hide? Don’t go._

_Don’t go._

The last thing he remembered was the sensation of being held as someone told him that he would be alright. After that there was just darkness.

As his consciousness returned he became aware of voices nearby. With great difficulty he forced his eyes open, squinting at the unexpected light.

“…Hide?” he asked. A figure in the corner of his vision moved, coming closer to him. He felt a hand on his forehead and heard snippets of dialogue, but couldn’t make out the words. After a minute the person left and returned with someone else in tow. They crouched beside him and spoke quietly.

“Hey sweetie, how’re you feeling?” He blinked, not sure of how to respond. More importantly, where was Hide?

“…Hide,” he said again, trying to get the message across. The person next to him paused a moment, then nodded in understanding.

“He’s alright,” they said. “He’s asked us to take care of you for a while. Do you think you can sit up?” Kaneki hesitated, uncertain, but gradually shifted so that he was upright. There were two people in the room with him- a man and a woman. It seemed like the woman had been doing all of the talking so far, since the man was sitting in a corner looking out the window.

“I’m Kimi,” said the woman. “And that’s Nishiki. Your friend wanted us to bring you somewhere safe until he could come back. Do you think you feel up to walking a little, or should we wait a while longer?” Confused, Kaneki shook his head. He didn’t want to go anywhere if Hide wasn’t going to be there too.

Fortunately Kimi seemed to understand him, and she left him alone for a while. She brought him a bowl of cereal and told him he should eat it to get his strength up, but she didn’t push him any further. As he ate, Kaneki looked around- he was in someone’s bedroom, but he didn’t recognize it. Maybe it belonged to Kimi or Nishiki? It sounded as if the two of them knew Hide, but he’d never met either of them before. The whole situation felt off to him, but his mind was still a little fuzzy and he couldn’t piece together what had happened.

After he finished eating, he very quietly set his bowl down and listened. He could hear movement coming from the next room and cars going by outside, all perfectly normal things. He pulled a blanket from the bed and wrapped it around himself, walking over to stand by the window. The curtains were drawn back a little, so he peeked outside. Down below, a normal day was unfolding- people were going to work and school, making new relationships and ending them. Every one of those people had a life of their own, one completely separate from him.

A flash of nostalgia hit him then, a gentle nagging in the back of his mind. _That’s right,_ he thought. _We used to do this together, didn’t we? Just the two of us._

_When was that again?_

He was distracted by the door behind him opening. Kimi walked in, saw him, and smiled kindly.

“Hey, you’re up! Feeling better now?”

Biting his lip nervously, he nodded. “I’m okay,” he mumbled. “Thank you…”

“It’s no problem, really. I’m sure you must be a little freaked out right now, but it’s gonna be okay, I promise. We’re gonna take you to some people you can trust and who’ll take good care of you, okay? You don’t need to worry about it.”

Kaneki was skeptical. “Hide?” he asked again.

Kimi smiled sadly. “He’s busy taking care of some stuff, but he wanted you to know that he’s doing everything he can to make sure that you’re safe.”

_Safe? But that’s not… I don’t want that. I just wanna see Hide again._

_Where are you?_

Rather than say any of that, he just nodded. Kimi smiled again and told him to get ready to go. He looked around uncertainly- it wasn’t like he had any things to take with him. He did find a pair of his shoes, so he put those on and followed Kimi out the door. She offered her hand and he took it, letting her lead the way without paying attention to where they were going. Nishiki was trailing behind them, looking generally disgruntled about his babysitting duties but not actually complaining.

By the time he looked up, he was surprised to find that he recognized where they were. He and Hide had been there a few times together on their days off, wandering around and pestering Hide’s friends.

“Is this it…?” Kimi asked herself, checking her phone.

“Close enough even if it isn’t,” Nishiki yawned. “Can I go now?”

Kimi shot him a glare and returned to her phone. “It looks about right,” she mumbled. “Kaneki-kun, is this building familiar to you at all?” Surprised, he nodded. Kimi smiled in relief and pocketed the phone. With a new sense of confidence she led Kaneki and Nishiki inside.

As the doors opened the person behind the front desk looked up. “Hello,” said Amon. “How can I… oh.” Kaneki lowered his gaze, shifting his weight uncomfortably. He let his companions exchange information as he intently studied the floor. After a few minutes, Kimi and Nishiki left, and he was alone.

“Let’s get you situated, shall we?” asked Amon. “Welcome to the CCG.”

* * *

 

Kaneki’s room was simple- a bed, a desk and a bookshelf. There had been some attempts to brighten it up, but it was still horribly depressing. _It’s not at all like my room at home. The one Hide decorated for me._ When they’d first moved in, Kaneki had been sick and scared, so Hide had done everything he could do make him feel better. Since they were only children, that hadn’t been much, but he was realizing how much it actually meant to him.

_Hey, Hide… is this what you wanted? Is this really okay? I’m lonely, you know. Can you really just leave me here? What are you doing that I can’t come with you?_

_Please… don’t do anything horrible for my sake._

According to Amon, Hide had asked him to arrange a means of protecting Kaneki ‘for an indefinite amount of time.’ Even though Kaneki had met them several times, he had never known much about them or what they did. Amon Kotarou… Mado Akira… Takizawa Seido… they were all kind to him. They had made him feel welcome whenever he visited. But really… they weren’t telling him either. Thinking about it, hadn’t everyone been like that? Everything had always been perfect, because it had been designed to be that way.

_But I’m… guilty of that too, aren’t I?_ _I probably knew things weren’t right, but I pretended not to notice because it was easier that way._

He frowned, lying down and curling into a ball. _I’ve been in here all day, haven’t I? Isn’t that kinda sad? Oh, I should at least say hello to Akira-san and Takizawa-san. I haven’t seen them yet, after all._

“I should go…”

He began to stand, but the sound of someone running past his door made him pause. The footsteps slowed, stopped, and backtracked.

“Hohhhh, is this it…?” The voice was muffled through the door, but even if it hadn’t been Kaneki wouldn’t have been able to tell if it belonged to a male or a female. Before he could contemplate it further, the door opened. Someone with messy white hair looked at him curiously, a smile on his (?) face.

“You’re the new one, right? I thought something smelled different. “

“I…?”

“Oh, no need to worry. I’m the same as you, see? Though, I wasn’t sent here because someone wanted to protect me, so I guess it’s a little different. I’m just a casualty that happened to come undone is all. But either way, we’re both involved in _that_ , aren’t we…?”

Kaneki blinked several times in confusion. “We’re…?”

He was interrupted again by another set of footsteps. “Goddammit, Juuzou, where are you?!” The voice’s owner came barreling into the room, barely missing the white-haired person as the latter smoothly stepped to the side.

“Huh? Is that…Kaneki Ken?”

“Oh… Takizawa-san.” They looked at each other in an awkward silence, not sure what to say. Fortunately they didn’t have to stay that way for long, as the white-haired-probably-a-boy stepped between them.

“Seido-kun, you should know better than to interrupt other people’s conversations, you know…? Oh, but this person’s name is Kaneki Ken, right? So thanks for introducing us, I guess. But I guess it’s not really an introduction yet, is it.” He turned to face Kaneki and gave an exaggerated salute.

“I’m Suzuya Juuzou,” he said with a smile. “It’s nice to meet you!”

“Ah… it’s nice to meet you too, Suzuya-san.”

“Oh, it’s Juuzou, you know? Just Juuzou is fine.”

“Oh, then-”

“Okay, stopping now!” interrupted Takizawa. “Is this a politeness competition or something? Geez.” He pushed Juuzou to the side and addressed Kaneki.

“Sorry about that. Juuzou’s a bit… eccentric, but he doesn’t mean any harm. Mostly.” Kaneki nodded, but he was finding it difficult to focus with Juuzou making faces in the background. The whole situation had become very strange very fast and he was having trouble keeping up.

As he thought this, he heard someone laughing. His first thought was Juuzou, but he was busy pulling his mouth to opposite ends of his face. Takizawa had his mouth closed, so it wasn’t him either. Then who…?

_Oh._ He put a hand to his mouth, startled to realize that the one laughing had been him. _I was upset just a minute ago, though, wasn’t I? How strange._

“Uh… hey, are you alright?” Takizawa actually looked concerned. Kaneki waved his hands, trying to be reassuring but unable to talk.

“No, it’s…” he managed, “it’s okay. I just… I was nervous about staying here, but I think it’ll be okay now. I’m sorry for laughing at you, it’s just so relieving because I thought I was going to be all alone, but I don’t feel that way anymore.”

Takizawa blinked, but smiled at him. “Really? That’s good to hear then.”

“Yay, Kaneki’s feeling better! I hope we get to be friends for a long time now!”

“Goddammit Juuzou, would you stop that? You nearly gave me a heart attack.”

“But I didn’t do anything… I’m just standing here, you know?”

“Well, cut it out.”

Kaneki watched them banter for a while, unable to help the smile growing across his face. Before he noticed he was giggling again, a strange sense of levity filling his chest.

_Oh… maybe I’m gonna be alright after all._

* * *

 

“You know, I’ve been thinking.”

“Have you now? Congratulations.”

“About _that one_ … he was the casualty of the second change, right?”

“One of them, but he just happened to be in the way. It’s different from _____, if that’s what you’re thinking.”

“No, that’s not it. It’s just that of the ones involved, he’s the wildcard, isn’t he?”

“What do you mean? They’re _all_ wildcards. He’s a loony, she does whatever she pleases, this one just wants revenge, that one’s trying to bring back the dead. Everyone’s in it for personal gain- that’s what makes it so much fun!”

“But if that’s the case, then what do _we_ get out of it?”

“Entertainment, of course.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I made a big deal a while ago about how this wasn't a Hidekane story. Which it wasn't, but I've been thinking and come to the conclusion of 'screw it.' I'm throwing myself into the ship wars and marking it M/M. Hahaha!
> 
> On a side note, how does AO3 work? I just scroll through tags I like, but I've seen subscription buttons and stuff. Does anyone actually use those? An I using AO3 wrong?


	20. Descension of a Princess

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Why are people born? If people are born only to suffer the hard life, is it meant as some kind of punishment? Or a cynical joke? If that's the case, animals that adhere to the survival strategies programmed in their DNA are far more elegant and simple. If there really is an existence worthy of being called a God, I want to ask him just one thing: Is there really fate in the universe? If a man ignored fate, and ignored his instincts and DNA to love someone else... Dear God, is he really human? Just wondering. I hate the word "fate". –Kanba

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another week, another chapter! This story is going all over the place, and it doesn't show any signs of slowing down.

“Say ‘aahhhh,’ okay?” Hinami opened her mouth obediently and Yoriko held her tongue down with a depressor.

“Hmm… it doesn’t look enflamed. Have you been doing a lot of shouting lately?” Hinami shook her head. Yoriko chewed on her lip, thinking, and Touka frowned. About two days ago, Hinami had begun losing her voice. It wasn’t anything serious so they hadn’t called the doctor, but Yoriko was over anyways so she decided to perform a rudimentary examination. The girl in question put a hand to Hinami’s forehead, nodded, and sat back.

“My best guess is that it’s the beginnings of a cold. You don’t seem to have a fever, but that might show up later. I’d keep an eye on it, but it doesn’t look too severe.”

“Oh, really? That’s good, then. Seriously, have I ever told you how great it is being friends with a nurse’s assistant? You’re like, the best.”

“Oh, so that’s why you like me? Free healthcare?”

“Yep, that’s about it. Because y’know, there’s _totally_ no other reason to be friends with you.”

“Well if that’s what you think, then I’m not going to make you cookies anymore.”

“You wouldn’t!”

Before the joke could go much further, Hinami pulled on Touka’s sleeve. She made a motion like writing something and tilted her head as if in question. “Oh, you want something to write on? Here, hold on a second.” The purple-haired girl found a notebook and pencil and handed it over. Hinami wrote for a moment, then held it up for the other two to see.

“ _’If onee-chan doesn’t get cookies, can I still have some?’_ ” read Yoriko. She laughed, ruffling the younger girl’s hair. “Of course you can!” she said. “Actually, I found this recipe that  you might enjoy…”

As the conversation moved on, Touka was content to sit back and watch. Hinami was always smiling, but Touka worried about her. She’d never really had any friends, and even though she never showed it she was bound to be lonely some times. The boy Hide was taking care of had helped with that, but she didn’t really want to get involved with whatever was going on with them. Having Yoriko around was good for both of them. She was refreshing.

“Hey, Hina?” she asked later that night. “Do you like Yoriko?”

_‘Yeah! She’s super nice and she makes good food.’_

“Hah, yeah, I kinda figured that would be your answer. Am I being replaced then?”

Hinami shook her head violently. _‘No way! I love Yoriko-san, but I love Onee-chan even more.’_

_This kid…_ If she had to pick a word for it, she would say that Hinami was ‘free.’ She was very open with her love, and had no problems giving it to any and everybody. In that respect, she was the exact opposite of Touka, who had closed herself off to everyone around her.

_I just want her to be able to stay that way, that’s all. Is that so much to ask?_

“Oh yeah? Well you’d better get your voice back soon, or we’re both gonna worry about you. Understand?” Hinami gave a little salute and Touka went to her own room.

_This is hard,_ she thought. _Am I just in way over my head with this?_

She probably was, but she was damned if she was going to let that stop her from trying. _I’m not gonna be like that bastard,_ she reminded herself. _Even if there’s nothing else I can do, I can at least stay by her side. She deserves that much._

_And that other boy?_ a part of her asked. _You’re really okay with leaving him by himself?_

_Shut up. I can’t take care of both of them. I have to focus on Hinami._

_Are you sure? After all, they both need this Penguindrum, don’t they? You haven’t been doing a very good job of looking for it lately, you know. Maybe being with Yoriko had distracted you…?_

Touka drew in a sharp breath. It was true that she hadn’t done much in that respect, but that was because she just didn’t have any leads. It wasn’t like she’d forgotten about it- it was always in the back of her mind. But then again, that was pretty much all, wasn’t it? She sat up.

_That red-eyed girl hasn’t said anything recently, so it’s fine, right? For now, at least. I still have time to find it. It’s okay, right?_

_Crap. I’m an idiot. I got complacent. Because Hinami was smiling, and Yoriko was smiling, I forgot what I was supposed to do. Okay, I can fix this. Tomorrow morning, I’ll call Nishio and Kimi and ask them if they’ve heard anything about it. No big deal. It’ll be fine._

Morning rolled around and, predictably, neither Nishiki nor Kimi had any new information on the Penguindrum.

“I met some people who might be able to help,” added Kimi, “but I’m not too sure yet so I’m being cautious.”

“Thanks,” Touka sighed. “I really wish we had more to go on, but even this much counts for something.”

“I’m still convinced you’re a looney,” Nishiki commented. “Just for the record.”

“Nishiki!” Kimi scolded.

“Nah, it’s fine.” Touka waved it off reassuringly. “Sometimes I think I’m a looney too, so it all kinda evens out.”

Kimi smiled understandingly and put a hand on Touka’s shoulder. “Don’t worry about it,” she said. “We’ll make sure that nothing happens to Hinami-chan, okay? She’s like a sister to us, too.”

“…Thanks.”

* * *

 

Frowning, Touka consulted her list a third time. It was written in Hinami’s neat script, and everything was perfectly legible, but for the life of her she couldn’t figure out what the third item was supposed to be.

“You’re sure that’s what she said?” she asked again. Hinami nodded, shrugging. That morning she’d had the idea to bake cookies based on the recipe Yoriko had given her, so they’d gone to the store to get everything they needed. Things like eggs, butter, and sugar had been self-evident, but what the heck was cream of tartar?

“You think maybe it’s like tartar sauce?” she guessed. “Doesn’t sound like that would taste very good, though…” Hinami shrugged again and mimed typing something. Touka shook her head.

“I already used up my data for this month. Probably should have looked it up before we left, huh?”

The smaller girl looked around, pointing to a store clerk when she found one. Touka followed her gaze, grimacing when she figured it out. On one hand, it would be faster and easier to ask than to wander around the store looking for one lousy thing. On the other hand, that would require talking to a stranger, and that really didn’t seem like a good idea. She glanced at Hinami, who looked back at her expectantly.

“Ugh… I hope you realize I’m doing this out of the kindness of my heart because I love you.” Hinami smiled happily while Touka went and asked, making sure to take hold of her hand when she came back. She knew that the older girl didn’t like asking for help, especially from strangers, but she did it anyway when Hinami asked her to. Her ‘sister’ always took good care of her, even when she didn’t have to, and she wanted to make sure to show that she appreciated it.

_It’s thanks to Onee-chan that I’m here right now. If there’s anything I can do to help her, I’ll do it- even if it’s just being by her side, if I can make her feel better then it’s worth it._

“Hmm? What’s up, Hina?”

She shook her head. _It’s nothing._

“You’re weird, you know that?”

_I know._

* * *

 

Thinking about it, this was probably the sort of thing that it would be good to tell Touka about. There was a difference between keeping things to herself when they didn’t matter and blatantly hiding something that was likely a problem, but she couldn’t bring herself to make a big deal out of it. Making sure Touka wasn’t looking, Hinami wiped at her nose again. It had bleeding for about five minutes now, and she was running out of tissues.

_This is… probably not a good thing, isn’t it,_ she thought. _It’ll stop soon though, right? So there’s no need to get too worried, right? Most likely._

She glanced back towards the kitchen. There were about ten minutes left until the cookies were done, so she had until then to figure out what to do.

_Mmm… my head feels a little weird. If I lie down for a minute… that’d be okay, wouldn’t it?_

Touka looked up when the oven timer buzzed. She checked the time, taking the cookies and putting them on a cooling rack. “Hina!” she called. “They’re done if you want one!”

When there was no answer she frowned. _Did she fall asleep…?_

She knocked on Hinami’s door and listened for a response.

“Hinami, I’m coming in…” At first she didn’t see anything wrong. Hinami was curled up on her bed, eyes closed. As Touka got closer, however, she saw the blood. Hinami’s face was pale and it looked like she’d passed out.

“Hina?! Hinami, what happened?!” She ran over to the younger girl and shook her shoulders, but she didn’t wake up.

_Oh my god. Oh my god, how did this happen? This can’t be real. I can’t- crap. Wait, what do I do? Ambulance- I have to call the hospital. Or Yoriko- she’d know what to do here, wouldn’t she?_

She’d gotten her phone out of her pocket before that little voice in her head stopped her.

_Are you sure? Do you really want to get her involved in this?_

Touka froze. _I can’t,_ she realized. _I can’t do that._

She looked back at Hinami, indecision causing her to hesitate. _I have to do something. I have to do_ something. _But if I do…_

Suddenly she remembered talking to Nishiki and Kimi. Hadn’t Kimi said that she had some sort of a lead? If nothing else, she could ask for help, couldn’t she? Or was this just stupid?

Before she could consider it further, she dialed the number.

“Touka-chan? What’s wro-”

“Hinami’s sick and I can’t take her to the hospital but she’s in serious trouble and I don’t know what to do.” It all came out in a single breath, the words stumbling over one another. There was a brief silence on the other end and for a moment Touka was afraid that Kimi hadn’t been able to understand her.

“We’ll be right there,” she heard, and she breathed a sigh of relief.

“Thank you,” she said, even though Kimi had already hung up. A few minutes later there was a knock on her door. Nishiki walked in without acknowledging her, going straight to Hinami’s room. Kimi followed shortly after, closing the door behind her.

“It’ll be okay, Touka-chan,” she said. “Trust us?”

Touka nodded, and Nishiki came back holding Hinami in his arms. “She’s not in immediate danger,” he said, “but it would be better if she got treatment sooner rather than later.”            When Touka bit her lip, Kimi took her hand.

“You’re trying to find a place that won’t ask questions, right? It’s okay- I know what I’m doing.” They brought Hinami to Nishiki’s car, letting her lean against Touka in the back seat.

_It’ll be okay,_ Touka kept telling herself. _She’ll be okay._

By the time they stopped, Touka had no idea where they were. It looked more like a café than a medical center, but she wasn’t about to question it.

“Yoshimura-san?” called Kimi, knocking on the door. “We need your help.”

Touka held der breath as the door opened and a woman with black hair talked with Kimi for a moment. She nodded once and motioned for Hinami to brought in. For several moments Touka was left standing awkwardly outside before she followed everyone else and let the door close behind her.

The inside of the building was well lit, which allowed her to see that it looked even more like a café. “What is this place?” she asked, befuddled.

“This is Anteiku,” said a voice behind her. She turned and saw an old man behind the counter. He smiled at her and she hesitantly nodded in return.

“You guys… do you know about Hinami?”

“We do. This organization has a long history in this vein of work. Fueguchi Ryoko was a long-time associate of ours, so her daughter is always welcome here.”

_Wait._ “You- you knew Ryoko-san? How? Do you know how to help Hinami? How to find the Penguindrum?”

“Patience, please. I can answer your questions, but it may take some time. Is that acceptable?”

Touka swallowed. She could get answers. She could save Hinami.

“I don’t care how long it takes,” she said. “Tell me everything you know.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If everything goes as planned, this marks the halfway point of the story! ...We really don't seem to be heading towards any sort of resolution, do we? It'll happen, I swear. In theory.


	21. The Eggchanting Girl

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If I have to live without ever being loved, I’d rather die and become a swan! –Yuri

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We finally get a little backstory of Touka that explains why she's so bitter about everything. Well, kind of.

Touka squeezed her eyes shut. It was nearly midnight but she still couldn’t fall asleep. The inflatable mattress her parents had set up on the floor provided some comfort, but she missed her bed at home. The move had been so sudden that they hadn’t had time to take anything with them, save for a few essentials. That meant that all of her books, her toys, her games had been left behind.

She turned her head to look at Ayato. He hadn’t had any troubles falling asleep, one hand gripping the ears of the stuffed rabbit she’d managed to grab before they left.

 _It’s cold…_ she thought. _I wanna go home._ She closed her eyes again and willed herself to just sleep already, telling herself that things would get better soon and she’d get used to it after a while. As she continued this mantra, she heard the door open and saw the shadows of her parents on the floor. Holding her breath, she pretended to be asleep. Their footsteps drew closer and she felt a kiss on her forehead, hoping they couldn’t see through her flimsy acting.

“You don’t think they’ll come after us, do you?” It was her mother’s voice, quiet but still laced with audible concern.

“They shouldn’t. We got out early, and I think we covered out tracks well. Even if they do, though, I’ve set things up so that Touka and Ayato will have enough to live on by themselves for a while. I’m sure that if we just wait a little bit, things will settle down and we’ll be able to come out from hiding.”

“I hope so. I never wanted things to turn out like this.”

“It’ll be okay,” her father reassured her. “I promise, I’ll keep all of you safe.”

A few moments passed and her parents left the room. Meanwhile, Touka’s mind was racing. What did that mean? Were they being chased by someone? What had happened that they weren’t telling her about?

_Are we really going to be okay…?_

* * *

 

For the most part, her parents did a good job of acting as if everything was normal. Her father went to work in the morning and came home at night, and on the weekends they would all go out together. Her mother smiled and fixed the holes in their clothing and read them stories every night before bed. If she weren’t paying attention, she would almost believe that everything was alright. Unfortunately, she _was_ paying attention. She noticed the way that they checked the lock on the door multiple times before going anywhere. She noticed how she and Ayato were kept protectively away from the eyes of people on the street.  She saw the tense looks on her parents’ faces when they thought she wasn’t looking.

Still, she knew better than to mention it. No matter how much she wanted to say something, she was just a child.

 _If I can’t do anything, I can at least try to keep Ayato from noticing._ So that’s what she did. Whenever both of their parents were out of the house, she made up games and stories to keep him occupied until they came back. She made up excuses and distractions when he asked questions and made sure to tell him that everything was okay. “You know you can trust me- I’m your older sister, remember? I’ll always take care of you.” Every time, Ayato seemed satisfied with that response, so she kept saying it.

Some nights their parents didn’t come home until long after they had both fallen asleep. Touka was quick to reassure her brother that they were just working late, but there was always the unasked question of _what if?_ What if something had happened to them? What if they were hurt? What if they never came back home? The fears circled in her head and kept her awake deep into the night. Often she would wake up in the morning with no recollection of having fallen asleep- her eyes would open and she would have a vague sense of panic which stayed with her until she heard her family in the kitchen, laughing and having fun. The fear never lasted long, but she was left with a heavy feeling in her chest for the rest of the day.

“Onee-chan?” Touka looked Ayato, who was pulling on her sleeve.

“Hmm? What is it?” she asked. He bit his lip and pointed.

Touka followed his gaze to the door. If she was quiet, she could just hear a faint knocking.

 _Who on earth…?_ Their parents had already left for the day, but they had the key. Beyond that, it wasn’t as if there was anyone who knew them or would want anything to do with them.

 _Ugh, what do I do? If mom and dad were here, they’d be able to handle it. For now, at least…_ “Ayato, go to our room. I’ll be there in a minute.”

Her brother nodded and retreated. Meanwhile, Touka swallowed nervously. She knew that she wasn’t exactly supposed to open the door when her parents weren’t home, but as long as she didn’t tell them there shouldn’t really be a problem… right?

Steeling herself, she undid the lock and very cautiously peeked outside. There were two people dressed in all black. The one on the left caught the edge of the door and pulled it farther open. Touka flinched and stepped back, but did not run.

“Is this the Kirishima residence?” She may have been uncertain, but she definitely knew that she did _not_ want to answer that question. She shook her head, attempting to close the door but failing.

“I… I don’t know who you are,” she said. “I think you have the wrong house…?”

The person on the right shook their head and pulled out a photograph. “We’re looking for a certain group of people. Have you ever seen either of these people?”

Touka took the photo, her eyes widening. Captured there on the paper were her parents, holding hands and looking away from the camera.

“Their names are Kirishima Arata and Hikari. Do they look at all familiar to you?” Even though the woman’s voice was kind, to Touka it sounded incredibly menacing.

“…I’ve never seen these people before,” she said, trying to keep her voice steady.

“Really? Are you sure?”

“I- I’m sure!” she insisted. “I have no idea who they are. Please, just leave!”

Touka squeezed her eyes shut, arms shaking as she attempted to shut them out. She felt a hand pluck the photograph from her hands and looked up to see the one on the right fold it up and slide it back into a pocket.

“I understand,” he said, releasing his grip on the door. “Thank you for your time.” They turned and walked away, leaving Touka to close the door behind them.

_...Mom? Dad?_

_What was that?_

She heard a creaking behind her and turned- Ayato was peeking back at her with a worried expression on his face.

“Onee-chan?” he asked. “Who were those people?”

“Ayato…” She couldn’t tell the truth. She couldn’t worry him. “It was nothing. They had the wrong address, that’s all. Okay? But you have to promise me that you won’t tell mom and dad, understand? We don’t want to worry them.”

Ayato nodded, and Touka ruffled his hair. “Good boy,” she said.

* * *

 

Even though things on the surface hadn’t changed, things in her family were different. Her parents didn’t smile as much, and it seemed like they were always worried about something. She was certain it had something to do with the people from that night, but she was determined to keep them a secret.

That wasn’t to say that she _wanted_ to. It was the exact opposite, really. All she wanted was to make them tell her what they were running from and how they could fix it. She wanted to maintain that childish belief that the grown-ups would take care of everything and she had nothing to worry about, but she couldn’t. The world didn’t work like that.

It was becoming an increasingly common occurrence for her and Ayato to fall asleep and wake up to an empty house. She didn’t doubt that her parents were doing something important, but it made her sad that they couldn’t talk about it.

 _One day, I’ll be old enough and responsible enough that they can trust me,_ she resolved. _I’ll be the sort of person who can protect the people I love._

That day never came. It happened on one of the rare days when they still went out together- they were walking to the park when suddenly her mother stopped, looking around suspiciously.

“Mom?” asked Ayato.

“Shh,” she quieted him. “Is that…?”

“Hikari,” her father interrupted. “Take the kids and run.”

"Ara-”

“Go!” he shouted. Before Touka had the chance to understand or even begin to process, her mother had grabbed them both by the hand and begun running. When Ayato had trouble keeping up, she effortlessly scooped him into her arms without even once slowing down.

“M- mom! Where’re we going?” Touka gasped.

“There’s no time to explain,” she said, halting suddenly by a small, unmarked door. She forced it open, pushing Touka and Ayato inside.

“Listen to me,” she said, crouching down to their level. “You have to stay in here, okay? No matter what happens, you must not open this door for anything unless I tell you. Do you understand?” Too scared to protest, Touka could only nod.

“Good.” Her mother pulled them into a hug, holding them tight. “I love you,” she said. “You are both my pride and joy, and your father’s too. You both mean the world to us, and I don’t ever want you to forget that. Stay safe.”

Before either of them could respond, she closed the door and trapped them in darkness. For several long moments, all either of them could hear was the sound of their breathing.

“Onee-chan?” asked Ayato after a while. “What’s gonna happen now?”

In another situation, she would have reassured him. She would have told him that everything was going to be fine, and that there was nothing to worry about. Now, though, she couldn’t seem to make those words come out.

“…I don’t know,” she admitted. “We’ll just have to do what mom said and wait.” The words floated there between them, their weight bearing down on the already claustrophobic space. They were completely lost- all they had left was each other.

At some point, Touka lost track of how long they had been there. It had been bright when they left home, but the light seeping in from under the door had diminished since then. That meant it had to have been at least a few hours, right?

“Hey, Onee-chan,” Ayato mumbled. “D’you think that mom is really gonna come back for us…?”

“O- of course she will! They wouldn’t just leave us here. She probably got caught up in something, that’s all. She’ll be here any minute.” But as the minutes passed by, it became increasingly obvious that things weren’t going to turn out so easily.

“I… I’m gonna go check on them,” Touka announced. “I’ll be right back.”

“But mom said not to open the door, no matter what!” Ayato protested. “We have to wait for her!”

 _She said that, but I don’t think it’s going to happen,_ Touka didn’t say. “I know,” she told him. “But it’s just for a minute, okay? Nobody’ll find out.”

Ayato looked hesitant, but he let her go without protest. Touka walked quickly, trying to avoid running but finding it difficult to resist the temptation. She retraced the path in her mind in hopes that she would be able to find her way back before it was too late.

Her foot skidded on something on the ground and she stopped. The tread on her shoe had left a red smear on the pavement, tracing back to a small puddle leaking out from beyond a corner. Touka’s heart picked up its pace. There was no way… right? Something like that couldn’t just happen so suddenly.

Holding her breath, she rounded the corner. At first she couldn’t even comprehend what she was seeing- everything was just red, red, red. Some part of her, though, recognized and understood.

_Oh. Mom and dad… are dead._

It was a shock, but it didn’t affect her like she would have expected. Rather than fear she felt… resignation. Like there had never been any other way that things could have turned out. Like she had always known that things would end up like this.

She heard footsteps behind her and whirled around. She was expecting another assailant, but the person she saw caught her by surprise.

“Ayato?!”

Her little brother flinched, averting his gaze. “You… you weren’t coming back, so I got worried,” he explained. “I’m sorry…”

Touka relaxed. “It’s okay,” she said, hyper-aware of the gore behind her. She couldn’t let Ayato look around the corner. “Hey, let’s go back home, okay? You know the way, right? Why don’t you go on ahead- I have one little thing to take care of here.” Ayato looked suspicious, but he did as he was told. Once he was out of sight, Touka picked her way through the puddles of blood between her and her parents’ bodies. Carefully, she reached into her father’s pocket and pulled out his cell phone.

“Is this the police?” she asked after dialing the number. “I think there’s been an accident.”

* * *

 

She wasn’t stupid. She knew she wouldn’t be able to keep it from him for long, she just didn’t want Ayato seeing something so horrific. After she’d called the police she had run away and caught up with her brother, carefully acting as if nothing were wrong. Not long after the investigators showed up at their door with the news. She never revealed that she had been the one to contact them, and didn’t having any trouble pretending that this was the first she’d heard of it. Maybe she had been a little suspicious, but both of them were just children so they weren’t asked too many questions.

They were taken into police custody and given a foster family. They were nice people, but they didn’t seem to observant so Touka didn’t pay them much mind. She spent most of her time worrying about Ayato. Since their parents’ deaths he had been growing more and more distant from her, angrier and less trusting.

“What the hell do you care?” he snapped when she asked him. “I’m not your kid brother anymore- I can take care of myself.”

“No, you just _think_ you can!” she yelled at him. “Go ahead and try it, why don’t you? See how long you last in the real world on your own. I’ll bet you wouldn’t last a week.”

Three days after that, he left. He didn’t tell anyone where he was going, and he didn’t give an explanation, but Touka knew it was her fault. Her foster parents were worried and sent police to find him, but they couldn’t find any leads. He had simply disappeared. Only once, many years later, did she catch a glimpse of him on a TV report on local criminal activity. He was standing in the crowd, glaring at the camera as if it had personally been responsible for everything he had been through so far. Her breath caught in her throat, the surprise tempered only by the fact that she knew it would do no good to go after him now.

She was determined to put him and her entire family behind her. Thinking about it, maybe that’s why she approached that little girl in the first place. It was in her third year of junior high and she was hanging out in a random park when she heard sniffling.      

She looked around, identifying the source as a head of brown hair at the base of the swings.

“Hey,” she called, causing the other to flinch. “What’s wrong with you?”

The child turned, sniffing again. It looked more like she was sick than crying, but it was a little hard to tell. She looked at Touka with empty eyes and turned away again without saying a word.

 _Fine, be that way,_ Touka frowned. But as she looked closer, she saw the cuts and bruises on the girl’s skin and decided that she should probably get a little more involved.

“Hey,” she said again, walking over and sitting next to her. “Did you get beat up or something?”

“…No.”

 _Ugh, why does this have to be difficult?_ “Where’re your parents then? Do they know you’re here?”

“…Dead.”

Touka blinked. She had to admit, she was mildly taken aback by the blunt answer, but she kept going. “Oh. Huh. Well, it’s the same for me, so I guess that’s something we have in common. Was this recently?” Probably not the most comforting thing to say, but screw it.

The brown-haired girl shook her head. “Well…” she mumbled, “for mom. Dad died a long time ago though.”

“…Huh. Um… how’d that happen?” _What the hell am I doing?_

“They killed her.” The little girl murmured such shocking things without blinking. “They cut off her head. I’m not sure why.”

 _...Oh. Well then. That was a thing._ “Umm… I’m sorry about that?” she tried. The little girl searched her face and shook her head, looking away again.

“It doesn’t matter,” she said. “I’ll be erased soon anyway, so I don’t care.” She closed her eyes, turning her face to the sky. Something about her clicked in Touka’s mind, but she couldn’t quite identify what it was. As if reading her mind, the girl opened her eyes again and met Touka’s gaze.

“Onee-san,” she said flatly. “We’re the same, aren’t we?”

* * *

 

In high school, she moved into the school dorms. It was more convenient, she said, since the school she wanted to go to was pretty far away. What she didn’t mention was that it was a lot easier to take care of Hinami if she was away from her foster parents. The younger girl had intended to vanish after their first meeting, but Touka had convinced her not to and offered to protect her from whatever it was that had put them in this situation. Whether or not she would be able to was a bit iffy, but she could try.

She knew that she wasn’t just doing this out of the kindness of her heart. She knew perfectly well that she was using Hinami as a second chance to prove to herself that she could do things right, and Hinami knew it too. They were both taking advantage of each other in an attempt to pretend that their lives were normal. Hinami would never be Ayato, and Touka would never be Ryoko, but nobody needed to know that.

They stayed together as sisters, carefully avoiding any questions into their past. Over time, Hinami learned to smile again, and Touka gradually grew to care for the younger girl. It seemed like they could actually have a chance at happiness.

Then Hinami died, and they were thrown back into the world they had tried to leave behind. She encountered Hide again, only to find that he had run away from all of his responsibilities and was playing family just like she was. She hated it- partially because he had left her behind, and partially because he reminded her of herself.

 _We’re not the same,_ she told herself. He was a Washuu, the leaders of their underground world. His family had gotten hers involved, so it was his fault that her parents had died. He was supposed to take responsibility from that, but here he was acting like he had done nothing wrong.

 _I’ll show you,_ she vowed. _I’ll be the one to save Hinami, and then you’ll see that you can’t do anything. You, your family, anyone connected to you- they’ll pay for the crimes they’ve committed._

_You’ll see._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> She tries. She really does.


	22. Grey Wednesday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I got to wait for you, so I wasn’t lonely at all. That was the first time I’d ever thought waiting wasn’t painful. –Himari

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ha ha, why is writing so difficult? What is my life.

Sometimes Kaneki woke up in a daze, the lines between reality and his dreams blurring to the point where it took several minutes to remember where he was. It was getting especially hard lately because his everyday life was fading into monotony and his dreams were becoming more and more vivid.

It had been about a month since he first came to the CCG, and that had given him plenty of time to think. Amon and everyone were perfectly nice, doing everything they could to make him feel at home, but that didn’t stop him from feeling like something was missing. That thing was obviously Hide, but there was something more to it and that’s what he couldn’t figure out. It was that nagging feeling that said things weren’t quite right, and it wouldn’t leave him alone.

Of all the people around him, Juuzou ended up being the one he could talk to the most. The other boy carried an air of nonchalance wherever he went, but he entertained any and every idea with equal consideration. When Kaneki confessed his worries, he nodded and tilted his head in thought.

“Well, I’ve _always_ thought that things were weird around here,” he said. “Y’know, because otherwise I couldn’t be here in the first place. Ah, did I ever tell you about that? I was dead once, apparently. Shinohara-san told me not to tell anyone, but I think you and I are alike enough that it doesn’t matter.”

“You were… dead? What does that mean?”

“Hmm, I wonder. From what they’ve told me, whatever caused my death got undone. I don’t really know the specifics, but you could always ask if you really want to know. Anyway, if you think there’s something ‘missing,’ it’s probably because none of us have the whole story. Oh, but they _are_ probably hiding some things from us, just because that’s what people do.”

Kaneki blinked. That made sense, sort of. He wasn’t so sure about the whole coming-back-from-the-dead thing, but other than that he could understand. He had been with Hide for so long that he had let himself forget how they had gotten there in the first place, and now he was being forced to come out of his protected little bubble. Of course there would be secrets. There always had been, but he had pretended they didn’t exist.

Juuzou leaned in, looking at his face. “Hey, how come you’re all upset now?” he asked. “Is it ‘cause you’re weak and can’t do anything?” Kaneki looked up, hurt, and Juuzou laughed.

"Don’t worry, don’t worry!” he said. “Everyone’s like that. I don’t think there’s a single person out there who’s really in control of their lives. Actually, I think we have more influence on _other_ people’s lives than our own. That’s just how things are. So don’t feel bad if you’re powerless, okay? If it really bothers you, then you should just do something to change it!”

He nodded again as if agreeing with himself, and Kaneki watched with wide eyes. Juuzou was strange, but he was honest and didn’t make things more complicated than they had to be.

_I have to change myself somehow. I have to find my own answers._

_I have to remember._

* * *

 

He could feel her following him, but refused to acknowledge her presence. If he did that, it would give her leverage against him and he couldn’t let that happen.

_Are you sure about that? You know how much I’ve done for you in the past- do you really think you would have been able to defeat Yamori if I hadn’t helped you? What are you hoping to gain by doing this?_

He clenched his teeth, sincerely regretting every decision he had ever made up to this point. He was doing the right thing, but he hadn’t accounted for how difficult Rize would make things. She’d started up that evening when he’d snuck out, and had been getting progressively louder as time went by. If it kept up much longer he was pretty sure that he wouldn’t be able to hear his own thoughts anymore.

 _Hmm? But I_ am _your thoughts, aren’t I? We’re one and the same now. You’ll never be able to escape me as long as you live. Isn’t that fun?_

Kaneki wondered if that was true. It didn’t feel like she was there a lot of the time, but ever since the whole Yamori thing he had to admit that he felt… different. Like he had woken up. Was that her doing, or was it only him?

_You don’t want to admit it, do you? That’s why you’re treating me like I don’t belong. Because if you didn’t, your poor little heart wouldn’t be able to handle it. You know I’ve always been here though, right? If anything, I’m closer to the ‘real you’ than you are!_

The real him?

"Such a thing never existed,” he told her.

 _Oh, you’re talking to me now!_ She clapped her hands in celebration. _But you’re wrong, you know. I’m what’s left of the ‘you’ that you threw away in order to become pure. I’m the shadow that you pretend doesn’t exist because you want to be innocent. Don’t deny it._

“You’re not,” he said. “You’re feeding off of him, but that shadow of me exists separately from you. I don’t know what you are, but my darkness is here because I’m allowing it to be. If that’s all you were, I could have been rid of you a long time ago.”

_Hmmm… so you’re calling me a parasite? That’s a little cruel, don’t you think? I’m surprised._

“I never said I was a good person. I know perfectly well that I’ve survived this long only by taking advantage of the people around me. You and I are the same in that respect- we’re both just self-serving parasites.”

She laughed. _So what, you think that admitting it makes you a better person? Do you believe that you can atone for your sins like that?_

“I don’t. I’m fine with living as a sinner if that’s what I have to do. All I’m saying is that the ‘true me’ is whatever I decide it to be.”

 _How pathetic,_ she lamented. _And you intend to save someone as a sinner?_

“…”

Hide. Hide, who had done so much for him, and who was straying further and further into the darkness for his sake. He was corrupting himself in Kaneki’s place because he didn’t know that Kaneki was already corrupted.

  _If someone has to commit sin to keep someone else pure, then I’d much rather be the sinner than the one being saved._

Rize looked at him skeptically before shrugging. _That’s cute,_ she said. _Go ahead and try it- I’m curious how far you’ll get._

Kaneki frowned, but didn’t say anything. Fortunately, it seemed like Rize had finished tormenting him, because she remained silent as well.

 _Thank goodness. She’s exhausting._ Kaneki sighed, wondering how exactly he got to this point. Logically, he could trace back through various events and make the connections, but he couldn’t explain them. Most of all, he couldn’t explain why he suddenly felt so… sad.

_Why did things have to turn out this way? All I wanted was to stay with Hide and for us to be happy. When did we go wrong?_

Before he could go any further down that path, he shook his head and reminded himself of his goal. _There’s no use moping about it now. I can’t let what Rize said get to me._ Meanwhile the world around him had gotten darker and more empty, and his pace began to slow. He heard the whirring of blades and machinery and knew that he had made it.

For having never been there before, the Broiler felt incredibly nostalgic. He supposed it was because it was where he belonged, before Hide had come into his life. Broiler children were always one step away from being erased, so it was only natural that he still felt some connection to this place.

Absentmindedly he wandered inside, letting the reality of the place drift in and out of focus. There didn’t seem to be any souls in the outer chambers, which led to the already eerie atmosphere feeling even more surreal.

 _Ah… what am I doing here?_ He was pretty sure that he didn’t want to disappear just yet, but it felt like there was something he had to accomplish. As he continued wandering, he heard a sound behind him and turned. There was no one there, but some of the dust had been disturbed. Just as he was beginning to reflect on this turn of events, a shadow moved behind him and he felt a sharp pain in his right arm. He stepped back, touching the wound and feeling blood. Of course it had been his right arm, too- it had only healed a couple weeks ago from whatever had been done to in while he was in captivity, and now this.

He looked up to get a better look at his assailant, barely managing to dodge in time as they came at him again. For the life of him he couldn’t figure out why anyone would be armed if they were in the Broiler. People there were already essentially dead, so what was the point?

He glanced at the makeshift knife being used against him. It looked like a piece of glass tied to a rock, but evidently the child wielding it had plenty of experience. Which in itself raised the question- how long had this kid been here?

“What do you want?” demanded the dark-haired child. “Are you here to take us away?”

Kaneki wasn’t sure what to say. “I… what?” he stammered. His arm was throbbing and he was trying to keep it from bleeding too much. The boy in front of him didn’t seem to care, tightening his grip on his weapon.

“Leave us alone or I’ll kill you,” he threatened. Kaneki hesitated, knowing he was serious. He was also wondering about the “we” he kept mentioning. Did that mean there were more of them living _in_ the Broiler? How was that even possible?

He was distracted by a second set of footsteps as a girl came out of the shadows and grabbed the knife from the boy’s hand.

“Urie-kun, stop it,” she said scoldingly. “He’s not going to hurt us, you can tell. You’re just being rude.” She looked back at Kaneki and apologized.

“I’m sorry,” she said. “The only people who come here are the Unchosen and those seeking to take advantage of them. We’re used to having to protect ourselves from being taken away.”

Kaneki looked between the two of them, uncertain. “If you’re Broiler children…” he started, “how are you still here?”

The girl glanced over her shoulders into the dark, where Kaneki could just see two other children crouching. “We weren’t Chosen,” she said. “Somehow or another, we all ended up here. But we didn’t want to disappear, so we got together and decided that if nobody wanted us, we would Choose each other. That way we can’t be erased, but since there’s nobody on the outside who wants us we aren’t allowed to leave.”

She lowered her gaze, linking hands with the boy next to her. The two of them stood in stark contrast to one another, defiance and uncertainty personified. And yet they were connected, along with the two still hiding, by something Kaneki had never possessed: the will to live. He didn’t want to die, but when he thought about it he realized that he just didn’t want to get hurt. If Jason had simply gone and killed him from the start, he probably wouldn’t have fought back. It was only thanks to Rize and his injuries that he had survived. These kids, though, had been faced with nothingness and refused to accept it. Living in the Broiler couldn’t be easy, but they were struggling for the sake of staying alive.

_Why couldn’t I be like that?_

He had decided a long time ago that his life had no particular meaning. He just happened to have been born, that was all. If he was given life so easily, then it must not be anything to hold dear, right?

He heard someone approaching behind him and turned as Urie grabbed the knife from his companion and pointed it at the newcomer.

“What’s this…?” asked a singsong-y voice. Kaneki blinked in surprise and Urie lowered his weapon slightly. Juuzou tilted his head and took in the scene before him before smiling and addressing Kaneki.

“I _thought_ I’d find you here!”

* * *

 

“Hey, why do you think people are born? Is it for their own sake? Or for someone else’s?”

"For someone’s sake? Who says there has to be any reason at all? People are born all the time without any meaning attached to it.”

“I guess. But then why do you think they keep living? After all, life without meaning is so horribly depressing. If it were me, I’d just off myself and be done with it.”

“Well, there _are_ plenty of people who choose that route. But if I had to guess, I’d say that they keep going out of hope that they’ll find a reason for it someday.”

“Hmmm… so it’s sort of like blind faith then. If that’s the case… how about we go open some eyes?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Agh.... I have no idea what I'm doing right now. 'Cause in addition to writing this, I'm tying to get the Hidekane week stuff prepared, and packing my stuff for college, and drawing stuff and making AMVs and just... ehhhh.


	23. Bad News

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Let´s see how many people you can kill with the power of love. –Sanetoshi

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is entirely a filler chapter. It's so short, and pretty much nothing happens. I'm... sorry.

Lately, it seemed like everything was red. Not the soothing kind, either, but the violently saturated kind that would burn itself into your eyeballs if you looked at it for more than a couple seconds.

Maybe that was why he always had a headache nowadays.

The man before him had been dyed in that color too- everyone that came into contact with him ended up that way eventually.

“P- please, I’ll do anything! Just don’t kill me. I have kids- a family! They’re waiting for me back at home and everything! I’m begging you, don’t!”

Hide narrowed his eyes. He’d gotten used to it, but it still bothered him when they begged like that. What about human dignity? People were supposed to be proud, not to grovel on the ground like dogs at the first sign of a threat.

“Don’t worry about it,” he said, crouching down so that they were closer to eye level. “I’m not going to kill you. You just happen to have something that we’re looking for, and I’ve been sent to collect it. Hand it over and there won’t be any problems.”

“You- I don’t- what are you talking about?”

Hide sighed- of course things couldn’t be that easy. He fingered the knife in his pocket, wondering how many more times he’d have to use it before he could get what he wanted.

_‘Hide!’_

A cut, a scream, and more red.

* * *

 Hide closed the door to his room with a groan, unbuttoning his jacket and tossing it to the floor. He didn’t even bother undressing the rest of the way before flopping face-first onto his bed, rubbing at his temples in pain. He really fucking hated being alive sometimes.

Every day he was given new orders, and every day he carried them out without question. Even if that meant hurting people, or stealing from them everything that they held dear, he did it because he didn’t have a choice. The Washuu demanded absolute obedience and anyone who failed to comply was quietly gotten rid of.

He kept telling himself that, but that was only half of the truth. Normal people would be repulsed by the things he did, even if they were scared. Hide didn’t feel anything like that. He was doing things because he was told to, but it wasn’t like they had to threaten him. He never fought back or even considered arguing that these things were wrong. To be honest, it was a little surprising- he’d expected that he would have had to fight to keep himself composed and swallow his disgust while keeping a straight face. It was easier not to have to act, but also kind of disappointing.

   _I guess I’m a pretty horrible person, huh?_

With a sigh, he leaned over and pulled a notebook from under his bed, flipping through it until he found the page he was looking for.

  * _Touka-chan: Hinami (sis?), Parents (V)_
  * _Me: V, Washuu (Kaneki: ???)_
  * _Aogiri/V: For? Against?_
  * _If against, group 3 = ???_
  * _F’s possible connection to the garden_



He frowned, upset with how little information he had. He knew for a fact that the other Washuu were purposely keeping him in the dark because they didn’t trust him, but had yet to find a way around that. What little he did know, he had scraped together from overheard conversations and the half-truths he was provided in order to do his job. There were definitely more parties involved than the ones he knew about, though, which only made things more complicated.

His phone rang then, and he had to put his notes to the side to get whatever new orders were inevitably going to be issued. Just before he answered, though, he added one more bullet point.

  * _End of the world?_



* * *

It sucked to admit it, but he actually felt calmer when he was carrying out whatever misdeeds the Washuu assigned to him. Even the simpler tasks required a fair amount of concentration, so he could put all of his energy into the job in front of him and stop worrying about how far in over his head he was.

They’d only given him twelve bugs to plant, but that only accounted for about five percent of the rooms in this ridiculously large building so he’d have to use some discretion in picking where to hide them.

_And since the most important places are gonna be the hardest to get to… This is gonna be fun._

He attracted a couple strange looks, but nobody outwardly questioned his presence. If nothing else, he guessed, he was good at blending in.

“You there!” called a security guard. Hide paused and looked back, a practiced look of surprise on his face. The guard frowned at him and folded arms.

“You don’t have clearance to go up there,” he said, referencing the elevator he had been about to take. “Let me see your ID.”

Hide shrugged and pulled out his (forged) identification card. The guard examined it closely before reluctantly handing it back.

“Where are you trying to go, anyways?” he demanded.

Hide kept his face blank and answered calmly. “I’m visiting my cousin,” he said with a shrug. “His name’s Tanaka. He works on the tenth floor?” The lies rolled smoothly off of his tongue without thought. There was probably _someone_ on the tenth floor named Tanaka, and even if there weren’t the guard probably didn’t know everyone in the building. Part of him actually thought it would be interesting if he could get caught, but he had too much practice for that and the guard let him go.

 _Yet another example of what’s wrong with the world,_ he decided. _People don’t care enough. They take peace for granted and end up abusing it. If they knew how easily the things you care about could be taken away, the wouldn’t take it so lightly._

Hide hadn’t been able to take anything for granted in years- not since the day he had taken Kaneki away from the Washuu. He’d fought for every bit of happiness they’d had and guarded it jealously. Even now… every horrible thing he did, every step he took away from the path of “goodness,” was for that same reason.

_Even if the world decides that it’s wrong, I’ll do whatever it takes to save him._

* * *

 “Hmm? What was that?”

“You heard what I said. Stop being stupid.”

"How rude, ____-chan! You should be more respectful to your elders, you know?”

“…”

“Well, anyways. In answer to your question, I don’t think there’s any need to worry about it. _They_ won’t make a move unless they’re directly threatened, and those two balance each other out nicely. As long as they’re occupied with their own little crusades, they won’t cause us any trouble.”

“But what about _____?”

“Oh please. He’s the least of your worries. After all, what can a ghost do to hurt you…?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yeah. The next chapter will be much better, I promise.


	24. A Black Premonition

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In the human world, truth and reality aren't always one and the same. Humans just call their desires and ambitions as "truth". Humans will even kill other humans if they have "truth" as an excuse. – Sanetoshi

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so tired. When will my son return from war?

It was just chance- a coincidence, a convenient alignment of events. When Matsuri said they had another ‘interview’ to conduct, Hide figured it would be someone from one of the branch organizations who didn’t quite understand the concept of _absolute obedience_. It wouldn’t be the first time they’d had to shut down some free-thinking insurrectionist, and undoubtedly wouldn’t be the last. For that sort of thing, though, they were just given orders and sent out to obey. This was the first time since rejoining the Washuu that Hide had been summoned by the head of family, and he would be lying if he said he wasn’t at least a little bit nervous. Tsuneyoshi didn’t speak much, but he carried a powerful presence.

By the time Hide actually found the right room, the others had already assembled. Having been firmly established as the black sheep of the family, he was sure that showing up late wasn’t helping his case, but he’d be damned if he let his intimidation show.

“We’ve been waiting for you,” commented Yoshitoki without looking up.

 _Oh stuff it, old man,_ he thought.

“Haha, sorry about that,” he said. “I’ve never been invited to these family meetings before, you know? I had to take some time to revel in the honor of it all.” The sarcasm was obvious, but none of them acknowledged it. Of course they wouldn’t.

Sighing, he took his seat and propped his chin in his hand. “So? What’s so important that even _I_ get called in?”

Yoshitoki passed him a folder with sheets of paper sticking out of it. “We’ve been getting reports that someone with inside connections has been manipulating the system,” he said. “Normally this wouldn’t be much of a problem, but if our suspicions are correct then we have a much larger issue on our hands.”

Hide flipped through the documents, pausing at a photograph clipped onto one page. It showed an average-looking man, talking to someone off-camera with a smile on his face. Hide frowned- hadn’t he seen this guy before? He looked closer at the information provided, completely tuning out whatever his father was saying in the process. The words _Sunlit Garden_ caught his eye and he read through that section again.

 _Interesting,_ he thought. _I thought getting out of the garden was supposed to be impossible. Well, then again, I ran away from the main family, so I guess it’s not that unbelievable._

He kept reading, feeling that nagging sensation in the back of his head that he was forgetting something. What was it…?

“Ah!”

He stood up suddenly, causing the other three to look at him with raised eyebrows.

“Is there something wrong, Hideyoshi?” asked Yoshitoki.

“Huh? Oh, no, that’s not it. I just realized something,” he said. Normally he would try to avoid drawing attention to himself, but this was a special case. “Actually… I have a request I’d like to make.”

Matsuri looked surprised, Yoshitoki seemed bemused, and Tsuneyoshi’s expression didn’t change. After a few moments of tense silence, the old man spoke.

“What is it you want to ask?”

Hide drew in a deep breath and looked the head of family in the eye. “I’d like you to let me handle this case,” he said. It probably wouldn’t go that easily, but he was prepared for that and would do whatever he had to convince them.

“…Understood.”

Hide blinked. That was it? They weren’t gonna fight him on it? Why?

“Why?” asked Matsuri. “How are we supposed to trust you not to purposely mess up the investigation?”

 _Goddammit, Matsuri._ But whatever- of the two of them, Hide was confident that he could easily win an argument.

Except he never got the chance. Tsuneyoshi held up a hand and waited for them to be silent. Once they were, he spoke calmly but firmly.

“I believe that we should provide an opportunity for Hideyoshi to demonstrate whether or not we can trust him before deciding what he is and is not allowed to do.” Matsuri was visibly displeased, but refrained from saying anything. Hide, meanwhile, was very confused- why was his grandfather standing up for him? There was definitely something odd going on, but he wasn’t about to question it. He had something more important to take care of.

* * *

 

He had to admit, he hadn’t been expecting to come back _here_ anytime soon. The last time had been… eventful, to say the least, but it was the only place he knew that had connections to the person he was looking for.

“Welcome to Helter Skelter,” came Itori’s voice from behind the bar. “What can I getcha?” Hide shook his head, not looking at her.

“I’m just meeting someone,” he said flatly.

“Oh…?” She sounded amused.  “You’re that boy who came here and got his ass handed to him, right? You’ve certainly changed. What on earth could have happened since we last met?”

He decided to ignore that question. He wasn’t actually sure that he’d find him here, but something told him that this was where he had to be.

The bar was just as dark as it had been last time, but he sort of knew where he was going so it didn’t bother him. There weren’t any people in this particular corner, so he picked a table at random and sat down.

About twenty minutes in, he was almost wishing he _had_ gotten something to drink just to pass the time. Being just a little drunk wouldn’t really impair his judgment- probably. Just as he was considering it, though, a motion in his peripheral vision drew his attention. Bidding farewell to someone he couldn’t see was the black-haired man from the photograph.

_It may have changed hands any number of times before now. The one who had it last, however, would not have given it up so easily as that._

_His name is…_

“Furuta.”

The man in question looked up, an indecipherable smile appearing on his face.

“Oh, hello there. Did my father send you after me?”

Hide scowled. When they’d met the first time Furuta had been using a fake name, so he hadn’t formed the connection between him and the name Kaneki’s alter-ego had given him. In the folder the Washuu had provided, though, the face was listed alongside the name Furuta Nimura. He had been born and raised in the Sunlit Garden, but rather than becoming just another peon doing the Washuu’s dirty work he had chosen to run away. For the past several years he had successfully stayed under the radar, but recently his activities had attracted his family’s attention.

“Don’t look at me like that,” he complained. “Why do you have such a scary face?”

“I’m not here for their sake and you know it,” Hide responded. “Don’t be such a creep.”

Furuta laughed and sat down. “I’m not being creepy,” he said. “It’s called _bonding_ , you know? We are related, after all. Let’s see, you’re close to my age, so I’m guessing we’re half-brothers. Does that sound about right?”

No, it didn’t. Nothing about being related to this creep would ever sound anything close to ‘right,’ but he wouldn’t say that. He needed his cooperation.

“Wow, there’s the scary face again! You’re not a very happy guy, are you?” Furuta gave a smile that said he was very intentionally being annoying. Hide gritted his teeth, but refused to let it get to him.

“Look,” he said. “I asked you about the Penguindrum before, and you said you’d heard of it. I _know_ you had it at some point- what did you do with it?”

Furuta’s eyes narrowed. “Who’s asking?” he asked, dropping his playful mask.

“I think you’d know that better than me, wouldn’t you? I only want to know for myself, but I’m sure there are plenty of other people out there who could use the information.” Well, one other person, at least.

“And why should I tell you anything about it?” The black-haired man tipped his chair back and folded his arms behind his head. He was being casual about it, but Hide didn’t miss the confirmation that he did have information.

“Because I’ve gone back to the family, which means that I can sell you out to them if I think I have to.”

“Is that a threat?”

“Just a statement of fact. Are you going to answer my questions now?”

Furuta put his chair legs back on the floor and leaned on the table, considering.  

“I guess that depends,” he said. “See, as far as I can tell, you don’t even know what it does, right? You’re looking for it because someone told you to and you took them at their word. So what’s the point in letting you have it when you wouldn’t be able to use it?”

Hide frowned, but couldn’t deny the accusation. The one who used Kaneki’s body had told him that he had to find the Penguindrum but never said what to do after that.

“The assumption was that you would be able to explain it,” he said. Furuta, damn him, only started laughing.

“Explain it? Me? Oh, no- I don’t know how to use it either. As far as I know, there’s only one person in the world who knows how to use it, and she’s dead.”

Well, this was just going perfectly, wasn’t it?

Sighing, Hide leaned back in his chair. Technically there was still a chance that other-Kaneki would know what to do with it, so he couldn’t give up just yet. He may have been chasing a dead end, but if he didn’t pursue every possibility to save Kaneki then he would never be able to move on.  

“…You still want it?” Furuta questioned.

“Of course,” Hide snapped, maybe a little too defensively.

“Woah there, no need to get angry.” It was irritating how much Furuta was enjoying himself with this. “I’ll tell you what you want, don’t worry about that. I’ll even give you the Penguindrum- it’s of no use to me. There’s just one little favor I want you to do for me.”

* * *

 

“Ah, he really is an idiot, isn’t he?”

“There’s no way they’re gonna stand for this though. I mean, _he_ probably doesn’t care, but _she’s_ gonna be pretty pissed.”

“That’s actually pretty impressive though, you know? She doesn’t get angry easily.”

“Oh, shut up. You’re missing the point.”

“What, you think that _they’re_ gonna be able to do anything? Or _them_?”

“Well, not as a whole, no, but I guarantee you some of them will be taking action.”

“…And him?”

“To be honest? I don’t think he’ll even notice. That’s just the sort of person he is.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Go away, Furuta. No one loves you.


	25. Princess of Lies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You see, there was this girl and she just appeared out of the blue. To my surprise, she was the same kind of person as me, and she had the same kind of eyes, at first sight, I realized I wasn't a solitary existence in this world, I was so happy. That's right, until I met her, I was all alone in this world, I had not a soul with whom to share the scenery before my eyes, and not a soul with whom to share the music in my ears. But...I heard the voices all over the world, I could hear the whole world crying out, "save me". It's true, thus I could see the optimal path of the world. But it saddened me, because the moment I saw her - I knew we were never meant to be, yes, she refused to side with me. She rejected me - the only person who could see the same scenery. –Sanetoshi

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A bit of an exposition chapter that ended up way longer than I expected.

“Nimura-kun, why are you running away?” called the purple-haired girl. She could catch up to him if she felt like it, but chasing was more fun anyway.

“Cause otherwise you’re gonna catch me, and I’m gonna get eaten!” Rize laughed and tackled him, pinning him to the ground with a smile on her face.

“Yep! Now you’re gonna get eaten right up, okay? No struggling, now.”

Furuta pretended to bemoan his fate, flailing his arms as if trying to escape but obviously not intending to succeed. Rize, meanwhile, had made herself comfortable with her human pillow and was tuning out whatever he was saying. Today was an ‘outside day,’ so she could actually see the clouds, which was nice. Also she didn’t have to deal with the annoying other kids from the Garden- they were out too, but had learned to stay as far away from the odd duo as possible.

“Ah, that one kinda looks like a severed head!” She pointed, pleased with the imagery. By this point Furuta had wriggled free and was sitting next to her, following the direction of her finger.

“Oh, it really does,” he agreed. Rize looked at him out of the corner of her eye, scrutinizing.

“Hey, Nimura-kun,” she said. “You’ll do anything I tell you to, right?”

He tilted his head in confusion. “Of course I will,” he told her.

“Mmm, that’s good. Then I want you to promise me something.”

“What?”

“When we grow up, I want you to die for me. Okay?”

“…Okay.”

* * *

 

Inside the facility, things were always the same. They were woken up at the same time every morning, fed the same food, put through the same training regimen. And for what purpose? In the end, they were all going to be used as disposable lackeys for the main family. Furuta didn’t particularly care how or when he died, he just thought it was annoying how monotonous everything was.

Rize was different in that respect. While all the other kids obeyed orders and kept their heads down, she started fights just for the hell of it. She talked back to instructors and caused interruptions in class and only laughed when they tried to punish her for it. Everything about her fascinated him to no end. He wanted to get to know her better.

The first time he tried talking to her, she shut him down immediately.

“No thank you,” she said when he asked if she wanted to talk. “I don’t like talking to boring people.”

He supposed he should have felt bad about that, but it only made him more determined. What sort of person did she like? What did the world look like through her eyes? How did her mind work that made her so difficult to pin down?

_Ah… I want to make her mine._

He knew that it wasn’t possible- that was the only reason he tried. If anyone could actually capture her elusive spirit, the allure would be gone. She would become tiresome, and he couldn’t have that. As long as she continued to evade him, however, he could chase her to his heart’s content.

It didn’t take long for Rize to figure this out as well. She still didn’t consider him anywhere near an equal, but his one-track obsession was entertaining enough that she let him stay by her side.

Once they had been together for a while, the stigma surrounding Rize began spreading to him too. The other kids whispered about them behind his back, and the instructors always shot him sidelong glances when they thought he wasn’t looking. He didn’t mind at all- he was special. The world that Rize created was one that no normal person would be able to understand, and he had made a place in it that let him see even a fraction of what she saw. It was nice, really. You stopped seeing people as _people_ and more as drones, going about their daily business without any sense of the outside world. Their perspectives were so limited, it was a wonder they ever managed to get anything done.

“Nobody looks up from what directly involves themselves,” Rize commented lazily. “They don’t see the little threads that they’re tied to, so they don’t know how to control their own destinies. That’s why it’s funny to watch people who think they have authority, because they really don’t, but nobody knows any better.”

Furuta nodded, only partially listening. He’d definitely agreed with not respecting authority that existed just for authority’s sake, but he didn’t really care about whether or not anybody else figured it out. As long as they didn’t bother him, they could do whatever they wanted. This was Rize, though, and he was happy just hearing her voice, regardless of what she was talking about.

“You have them too,” Rize added. Furuta looked up, surprised that she was addressing him directly.

“So do I,” she continued. “We all have threads, like puppets. Once you can see them, you can make people do whatever you want without them even realizing it, but most people go their whole lives without ever noticing.”

She looked down at her hands, wiggling her fingers like she was playing with a marionette.

“I don’t think _any_ one’d be able to do that to _you_ ,” Furuta told her. She raised an eyebrow, smirking at him.

“Well of course they wouldn’t,” she said. “I’m too smart for that.”

When they were old enough, the Garden started giving them combat training. Rize, of course, excelled at it, using every dirty trick in the book and then some. The other kids complained that she was cheating, but since the only rule was to take down your opponent, none of their complaints made any difference.

Furuta was pretty good too, but physical ability wasn’t his strong suit. Most of his victories were scored psychologically, which meant that his fights actually started outside of the arena. It didn’t take much work to figure out his opponents’ insecurities, and after a few days of steadily wearing down their self-confidence it was a cinch to knock them down with a couple well-chosen words. Nobody _knew_ he was doing this, of course- he let the other kids do most of the dirty work. All he had to do was start a rumor or two, and once they got to the right people it was guaranteed that the entire Garden would know about it by morning.

“Hey, Satoshi-kun, is it true that you still wet the bed?”

The boy in question turned bright red, trying to cover his embarrassment by going in for an attack. His approach was sloppy, though, and Furuta sidestepped him and tripped him in one fluid movement.

“You won’t get anywhere if you keep running in without thinking like that,” he said flippantly. Satoshi gritted his teeth, obviously intending to retaliate, but the overseer held out a hand and stopped him.

"You mole-faced freak,” he hissed. “Don’t think you’re gonna get away with this forever.”

“Oh? How scary.”

He didn’t bother looking back, since he knew the face Satoshi would be making. From the audience Rize was smirking, seeming to enjoy Furuta’s provocation.

“You’re gonna get in trouble,” she whispered to him later on. “I heard some of the boys saying how they’re gonna gang up on you and beat you up.”

“Oh, really?” he glanced up from his book to where she was playing cat’s cradle with herself. “You’d probably like that, wouldn’t you?”

“Well, it _would_ be funny,” she admitted. “But if they killed you then I wouldn’t have anyone to do stuff for me, so don’t let it get to that, okay?”

“Okaaay,” he said, smiling.   He didn’t think they’d actually be able to hurt him that much, but it was nice knowing that Rize would step in if he was in danger.

“Oh, you’ve got that creepy grin on your face again,” Rize commented. “Should I kill you now and just get it over with?”

“Please don’t.”

She shrugged and went back to her string game. Not long after that they were called in for lights out and Furuta went back to his own room. _I’m a wanted man, aren’t I?_ he thought to himself. _How exiting._

* * *

 

To their credit, the bullies (could they be called that? Furuta _had_ provoked them intentionally) were smart about their ambush. The Garden may not have encouraged any sense of comradery among the children, but they weren’t supposed to try to kill each other, so any fighting had to be done where the instructors wouldn’t see. Since they were almost always being watched, this left the ten minutes before lights out and the half hour they were given to shower. Really, it wasn’t that difficult to figure out, but points for trying, he supposed.

“So? Did you want something with me?” he smirked. The group around him was fairly small, but they were all good fighters and popular with the other kids. In other words, he wasn’t getting any help in this situation.

“You think you’re all special just because that freak girl likes you?” Satoshi asked. “Well guess what- this is the boy’s bathroom, so she’s not gonna be here to help you. We’re gonna wipe that stupid grin right off your face.” Without giving Furuta a chance to react, he stepped forward and punched him square in the face.

“Hm?” He brought a hand to his nose, which was bleeding profusely. The kids still in line for the showers stood still in surprise, silent until a cheer erupted from near the back of the room.

 _Oh, I’m the bad guy then, am I?_ Furuta grinned. _Well then, I guess I’d better live up to the part._ Rather than fighting back against his attackers, he pulled a random kid from the line and neatly broke his nose.

The boy, who was small and shy and definitely not a fighter, cried out in pain. “What- what’d I do?!” he asked, on the verge of tears.

"Oh, you didn’t do anything,” Furuta told him. “I just don’t think I’d be able to win a fight against those guys, so if they try to hurt me I’ll get back by hurting you. No hard feelings, really.”

The ones who were actually going after him stepped back, obviously not expecting for him to have gone so far. He tilted his head at them, tightening his grip on the squirming boy he’d taken hostage.

“What, you’re done already?” he asked. “You can beat me up, seriously. I don’t care. Oh, are you worried about this kid? Don’t worry about it, he’ll live. A little pain will probably help toughen him up, so it’s a win-win situation all around.”

He could tell they were hesitating, so he sighed and shrugged to himself. “Not gonna go for it, huh? Fine then.” He reached over and broke the boy’s arm.

“There, see?” he said as the assembled crowd recoiled in shock. “There’s no need to hold back, since he’ll get hurt anyway.”

Satoshi gritted his teeth, clenching his hands into fists. “I take it back,” he said. “You’re even more of a freak than she is! I’m gonna kill you!” He rushed forward, shoving Furuta to the ground and pummeling him. The injured boy took the opportunity to slip away and hide behind one of his friends. By this point the entire male population of the Garden had gathered to watch the fight, even though it was pretty much a one-sided affair.

“Hey, that hurts you know?”

“Yeah? Maybe you should’ve thought about that first, huh? It’s too late for you to be complaining.” Satoshi reached into his back pocket and pulled out a small knife. 

“I swiped this from weapons training,” he explained. “I don’t think they even cared- the instructors hate you as much as we do.” He lined up the blade with Furuta’s throat, pressing down lightly.

“Hold still now,” he said.

In one clean motion he drew the knife across Furuta’s skin. The results were immediate- blood poured out onto the tile floor, seeping into the cracks and flowing towards the corner drains. Some of the younger kids covered their eyes or tried to look away, while others stared in morbid fascination.

“…Did he actually kill him?” someone asked.

“Oh my god.” 

“I think I’m gonna be sick.”

“Holy shit.”

Even Satoshi seemed a little shocked, sitting back and staring at the knife in his hands with wide eyes. The mumbling and whispers grew louder, and soon the entire bathroom was in an uproar. Someone tried to call for the instructors, but their neighbor clamped a hand over their mouth.

“What were you thinking?”

“We’re gonna get in so much trouble.”

“This can’t be happening. There’s no way this is happening.”

Amidst all the chaos, nobody noticed the small purple-haired girl slip through the crowd. She looked at the body lying on the floor and shook her head, disappointed.

“I thought I said not to let it get to this point,” she said, pulling out her diary.

* * *

 

When Furuta woke up, he was outside looking up at the sky. Rize was sitting next to him, casually writing something in a little notebook.

“I didn’t know you kept a diary,” he commented. She shot him a sidelong glance, shaking her head and putting the notebook aside.

“I gave you one job,” she said. “Was it really that difficult?”

“Ah, well, you know, we all have our off days. I thought I got killed though? What happened to the ones who killed me?”

Rize scowled at him, more than a little tired of his… everything, really, but still willing to put up with him.

“They’re gone,” she said simply. “I made it so they never existed in the first place. It took a lot of work, so I hope you appreciate it.”

“Wow… You can do something like that? I wanna try.” As usual, the revelation of something completely absurd didn’t faze him.

“Well too bad, ‘cause you can’t. The only one allowed to use my diary is me, and if you try to take it from me I’ll kill you.”

Furuta sat back, pensive but exited. Rize’s diary could change the past? What was that about? Could it do anything else? If he got his hands on it, could he make her fall in love with him?

_How fun._

“Give up now,” Rize interrupted. “It’s never gonna happen.”

“Oh come on, you don’t even know what I was thinking!” he protested.

“I do, and you’re a freak.”

“At least tell me how it works?” He gave her his best puppy-dog eyes, knowing that if he put enough effort into being curious she’d give in- not because she felt any sympathy for him, but because she liked knowing things that he didn’t. If he was desperate enough, she’d give him the information just to put him in debt to her.

“It’s a diary. I write things in it,” she said. She waited just long enough for Furuta to feel slightly disappointed before continuing, “Well, most of the time. There’s one other thing it can do. When I use my secret spell, I can use my diary to change people’s fates.”

“Their fates?” _Maintain interest, and reel her in slowly._

“More or less. I can put people on a different line of fate, or I can change their fate from the past and give them a different outcome in the present. Deleting people is easy, since I just erase their line altogether. But I’m the only one who can do it, since it’s useless without the spell and I’m the only one who knows it.”

 _Maybe for now,_ Furuta thought to himself. _But one day I’ll make you mine, and you’ll give me all of your secrets._

* * *

 

In the end, he was left with nothing but the beat-up diary and Rize’s memory. The last he saw of her was a trail of purple hair in the arms of the Grim Reaper as he took her away. What felt wasn’t sadness or regret, but jealousy.

 _How dare he. How dare he lay his hands on_ my _Rize? I’ll never forgive him, not for as long as I live._

“I’m gonna kill you!” he shouted at the man’s receding figure. “You’d better watch out, ‘cause I’m gonna _kill you!_ ”     

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes I feel like we're really close to the end, and other times it feels like there's way too much left to go. Then I remember that I'm the one writing this mess, and I just get depressed.


	26. Savior of the World

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simply put, you’re all cursed by a ghost. I’m an embodiment of the curse. I want to show it to her face this time- the sight of the world’s destruction to the girl in the hat. –Sanetoshi.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Man, it feels like it's been a lot longer than a week since the last chapter. I just moved into the dorms at college, so it's been a pretty busy few days. God, I'm so tired.

The trek back from the Broiler was a quiet one. For reasons he couldn’t quite understand, it felt like he was missing something. Like he’d gotten close to finding the one thing he needed, only to let it slip through his fingers because he was too scared to hold on. Rize wasn’t even saying anything, and her absence left him feeling strangely empty inside.

“…Hey, Juuzou?” he asked eventually.

“Hm?” The white-haired boy turned around so he was walking backwards, hands in his pockets.

“I just… how did you know where to find me?”

Juuzou tilted his head, thinking. “Well, it’s not that hard to guess. Broiler children will always be             drawn back to the place they belong- we can’t help it. I bet you were thinking about staying and just letting yourself vanish, right?”

“I- I wasn’t…”

“Don’t worry about it,” Juuzou laughed. “I do it too. It’s nice to feel nothing for a while every now and then, isn’t it? You just have to make sure that you come back, else we’ll get in trouble with your friend. Okay?”

“Oh… yeah, okay.” It was times like this that talking to Juuzou was uncomfortable. He had only recently accepted how much of his past was a lie, and having someone put it out in the open so blatantly was a little disconcerting.

He took a moment to look behind him, where the four kids from before were watching Juuzou suspiciously. They had all been more than a little surprised when he appeared, and convincing them that he wasn’t someone to be afraid of had taken quite a bit of work. Urie would have straight up attacked him if Mutsuki hadn’t held him back, and Shirazu had simply picked up Saiko and run. Thinking about it from their perspective, those reactions _were_ sort of justified. Juuzou had shown up suddenly, in clothes covered with dark stains (these turned out to be paint, but nobody knew that at first), and promptly tried to drag Kaneki off without a word of explanation.

“I’m sorry about that,” Kaneki had apologized. “My name’s Kaneki Ken, and that’s Suzuya Juuzou. We were both like you a long time ago, but we were rescued by somebody and given a chance to live again. That’s why it was surprising to meet someone here, that’s all. We’re not gonna hurt you or anything, I promise.”

“That’s a lie,” Urie had told him. “Nobody gets second chances.”

Something in Kaneki’s heart had shifted, making him feel sad and relieved at the same time.

 _If you don’t believe you can be saved, then I want to be the one to prove you wrong._ Had someone said that to him before? Maybe. It was difficult to remember, but it seemed like the right thing to say in this situation. Even as the words came out of his mouth, however, something about them felt a little… false. Like there was a deeper meaning to them that he had forgotten about.

Shaking his head, he put it out of his mind.  

_It’s not like remembering things has done me any good this far, after all._

* * *

 

His first thought upon waking was that there was someone next to him. The foolish part of his heart immediately turned to Hide, but his rational brain told him that was impossible. Forcing his eyes open, he rolled over and looked at the person currently occupying his bed.

 _Blue?_ He frowned. _Who do I know with blue hair?_

Then he remembered.

“Saiko-chan,” he said, shaking her shoulder gently. “Time to wake up, sweetie.” The girl scrunched her face up and buried herself farther into the blankets. Kaneki sighed, shaking his head before rolling her over onto the floor.

“Whyyy?!” she shouted immediately, holding her forehead and looking around in bewilderment. Kaneki waited patiently for her to notice him, resting his chin in his palm as he did so. When she finally cued in to the presence of another human being, she clamped her hands over her mouth in a mock show of apology.

“Good morning, Maman,” she said meekly.

“Good morning, Saiko,” he replied, having none of it. “You do remember that this is my room, right?”

The blue-haired girl nodded, not meeting his eyes. Kaneki sighed.

“What is it this time?” he asked.

Saiko bit her nail for a moment before answering. “…Mucchan hogs the covers,” she said eventually.

“No, he doesn’t. Did you get lonely again? It’s okay to wake me up, you know. Just stop sneaking into my bed at night.”

This time, at least, she looked properly apologetic. Kaneki couldn’t really blame her for wanting to avoid confrontation, though. Years of neglect made it all too easy to convince yourself that asking for help and comfort only bothered the people around you, so it was better to avoid being noticed at all costs. He’d been the same way, and he wanted to make sure that she didn’t turn out the way he had.

“Don’t worry about it,” he said, relenting. “How about you help me wake up every one else and we can make breakfast, okay?”

Saiko nodded and ran off, leaving Kaneki to get dressed and able towards the kitchen. In retrospect, offering to make breakfast had been a bad idea since he still didn’t know how to cook, but he could probably make toast or something. With that in mind he started to look for bread, only looking up when he bumped into Akira, who was making coffee.

"You’re up early,” she commented.

“Oh… I guess,” he said uncertainly. “Saiko was hungry, so…”

Akira looked at him contemplatively. Kaneki fought the urge to shrink under her gaze, chewing on his lip instead.

“You’ve really taken responsibility for them, haven’t you?”

“Um… I… well,” he stammered, not sure of what to say. “Yes?”

“There’s nothing wrong with that,” she reassured him. “It’s just interesting, since you always let Nagachika handle things before.”

Oh. It was true, every time he’d encountered Akira in the past had been through Hide. He’d had someone taking care of him then, so he had embraced his childish nature and trusted Hide to behave like an adult. Thinking back on it, he had been incredibly unfair. As someone who had become responsible for others, he understood that now.

 _It’s not that I’m more responsible now,_ he decided. _Just that I don’t have anywhere to run to when I’m running away from that responsibility._

He must have been making a strange face, because Akira patted him on the shoulder. “Anyways, don’t worry about it too much. You said you were making breakfast, right? Do you think you’ll need help with that?”

“Ah…” He averted his gaze, slightly embarrassed. “Um… yes please.”

Under her guidance, he managed to make a somewhat passable plate of eggs, although they certainly weren’t very nice to look at. They both agreed that it would be best if he kept those for himself and let Akira handle serving everyone else.

Saiko and the others showed up a few minutes later, still in their pajamas. Mutsuki yawned and said “hello” to Kaneki and Akira, Urie nodded at them in silent acknowledgement, and Shirazu promptly face planted on the table. While they were eating, Seido came in and got a cup of coffee before hiding the pot in a cabinet to keep it away from Juuzou, who appeared not long after. As usual, Amon arrived last and bumped into the wall three times before finding his chair.

It was strange, Kaneki thought, having a routine like this. Being surrounded by people who knew and cared about each other, and watching them all interact. He knew that at least once in the next five minutes, Juuzou would try to steal Seido’s coffee, Akira would complain about how much they ate, and Shirazu would fall asleep in his food. He’d seen it happen every morning since his trip to the Broiler and had simply… gotten used to it. Amidst all the upheaval going on in his mind, despite the fact that he had decided to throw himself into the darkness, he was still accepted into the everyday lives of all of these people. Did he deserve it? Probably not. But it seemed like life didn’t care about what you deserved. It would hand you whatever it pleased regardless of what you’d done up to that point.

 _If that’s the case, then how do people ever change anything?_ Obviously it could be done- his very survival was proof of that. But he didn’t know how that had happened, and he had no way of asking anyone who did.

The thought continued to nag at him, albeit quietly. After all, even if he did know how to rewrite his life, there were too many things he didn’t understand for it to be a good idea. That, he supposed, was what was really bothering him. He knew that Hide had saved him, but didn’t know why. He knew that he had been brought back to life, but didn’t know how. He knew that he had been kidnapped, but didn’t know by whom. What bothered him wasn’t the situation, it was how little he knew about it.

 _I guess that’s a little better,_ he thought. Vague goals like “I want to save him” or “I want things to be how they used to be” were impossible to work with and only ended up paralyzing him. At least when he was looking for information, he could ask specific questions and get specific answers.

_I’ve accepted my role in all of this. Now I need to find out what everybody else has to do with it._

Knowing what he did about the people around him, asking Akira and Amon was out of the question. They would give him a generalized version of the truth because that’s what Hide had asked them to do. The same was true of Takizawa, although he would stay quiet more out of fear of the other two finding out. That left Juuzou.

Cornering him was difficult, since he was always off doing whatever he felt like, but he managed it.

“Oh, Kaneki-kun, hi!” the white-haired boy smiled. “What’s up?”

“Um…” How did he even begin this? “I was just wondering… you said a while ago that you…”

“That I died?” Crap. Was he that transparent?

“…Yes,” he said eventually. “Did you mean it? Or rather… what happened?”

Juuzou laughed, spinning in his chair. “Oh man,” he said, still smiling. “Where do you even start with a story like that?” He tilted his head to the side, considering.

“Well,” he said after some thought. “I guess the beginning would be as good a place as any.”

* * *

 

“Thinking about it though, isn’t this actually a bit worrisome?”

“Hm? How so?”

“Well… if things keep going like this, then those two could end up in direct conflict.”

“I guess it’s possible, but they don’t know about her, remember? And besides, what’s the problem with that? It’s not like everyone else will get shut out. They’ll just have to pick sides.”

“Well yes, but in the end it’ll be one of _them_ that gets it, won’t it?”

“Oh, I see. You’re actually worried about them, aren’t you? That’s cute. Personally I think it’ll be more interesting if one of them ends up with it, since they have grander plans to begin with. I mean really, if you’re going to do something, you might as well go all the way… right?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Quinx are a little younger here than they would be in canon. I'm guessing they're closer to Hinami's age than Kaneki's.


	27. Everybody went Insane!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How electrifying. –Sanetoshi

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Celebrate in this most blessed time, for our son has returned! ...So then why is this chapter entirely about Juuzou? Oh well, that's just how things work out.

Death was never a thing he worried about. Everything died eventually, so there was really no point in making a big deal about it. Other people, though, didn’t seem to think the same way, and they frowned at him whenever he mentioned it.

Juuzou didn’t really care what people thought of him. Words were just collections of sounds, and they only meant things if you let them. They weren’t like the blades that used to cut into his skin whenever he did something wrong or if his mother was in a bad mood. Let people judge if they wanted- it didn’t make a difference to him. So when the neighbor kids ran away from him and told him to go die, he just shrugged and responded that it would happen when it happened and went on his way.

Shinohara told him that he just hadn’t gotten used to living around other people, and that he’d get along with them before long. It had only been a few months since Shinohara had become his legal guardian, after all, and the transition was sure to be a difficult one. Juuzou nodded because he knew it was the normal thing to do in that sort of situation, but didn’t feel any particular need to make friends. He was fine on his own with the cats and dogs and little insects that lived in the back yard. They were less troublesome.

The thing about people was that they were so irrational. Take Shinohara for example. Juuzou was certainly grateful to the man for taking him in, but he couldn’t figure out why he’d done it. Now he had to worry himself with making sure to provide enough food, and managing the situation when Juuzou acted outside of social norms, and generally taking care of him. He didn’t get any benefits out of it, so it was baffling as to why he’d done it.

“That’s what humans do,” he explained when Juuzou asked. “When we see another person suffering, we want to help them. Not because we get anything for it, but because it’s the right thing to do.”

“Even though we’re all gonna die in the end?”

“I think it’s _because_ we die. We don’t get a lot of time to live, so we want that time to be a positive experience. And when someone else is unhappy, we help them because we know that if our positions were reversed, we would want them to help us.”

Juuzou thought about it and decided it made a little bit of sense, but it was one of those things that only worked if everybody played along. Which they didn’t. So then how come Shinohara was so confident that people always wanted to help each other?

“Oh, look, it’s Suzuya.” He glanced up from the trail of ants he’d been watching to see Nashiro and Kurona. He looked at them for a moment before turning back to the insects.

“Why don’t you ever come to school?” asked Shiro.

“Don’t need to,” he said simply. “Shinohara-san says that I probably wouldn’t like it there, and that I’m smart enough that he can teach me whatever I need to know.”

“He did not,” argued Kuro. “You’re just saying that because you need an excuse for playing hooky all the time.”

“Mmm.”

The twins frowned at him, obviously upset that he was ignoring them. “We’re gonna tell Shinohara that you’re skipping,” Shiro threatened.

“Okay,” he said. He knew it wasn’t the reaction they were looking for, and they walked off indignantly. They may not have been what anyone would call friends, but Juuzou did actually enjoy his interactions with them. They had the tendency to view the world through a rigid set of pre-determined values, and sorted the people they met according to how they fit within those values. Juuzou, predictably, was ranked very low in their hierarchy, but that was a choice on his part. From the bottom, he could observe them without having to play along with their priorities.

The twins put order above just about everything else. They lived by the rulebook and shunned all those who deviated from it. It was no wonder that they didn’t like Juuzou, whose only rule was that everyone should mind their own business. The twins considered society to be a giant machine, of which everyone was a single cog, where everything wrong in the world could be fixed if only people would pay more attention to the rules. The twins prided themselves as being the prime example of what could happen when two people worked together- effortless, seamless, efficient. Juuzou didn’t see the appeal, but at least they had a system.

As far as he was concerned, those three people were enough human interaction for him. Did he care about any of them? It was hard to say. Shinohara said once that he’d be sad if Juuzou were to die, but again, death didn’t have much weight in his mind. Things would be less interesting without them around, so he guessed that should count for something.

Shinohara worked in an office with a few other people whose names Juuzou never bothered learning. He was allowed to hang out there sometimes, presumably because they thought he didn’t know what they were working on, but his favorite pastime was eavesdropping on conversations and trying to figure out what the big secret was. A lot of what they did seemed completely mundane, but every once in a while, he caught undercurrents of something darker going on.

Well, that was fine too. It didn’t matter to him what they did. Shinohara was still nice and made good food and that was all he cared about.

All told, his life was pretty good. He hummed to himself as he swung his feet, not minding the way people looked at him. Taking the subway wasn’t his favorite mode of transportation, but when he needed to get home from visiting Shinohara at work it was pretty much the only viable option.

_Ah, I wonder if something interesting will happen today…?_

He heard a loud sound to his left, and had just turned his head to look for the source when the train car exploded.

* * *

 

He opened his eyes in the hospital, feeling a bandage wrapped around his head. Shinohara was sitting next to him, as well as a few people he recognized from his work. He yawned, rubbing his eyes as he sat up.

“Oh, be careful,” warned Shinohara. “You hit your head pretty hard there. Do you remember what happened?”

Juuzou tilted his head. “Mmm… I blew up, I think. There was a fire and all that.”

Shinohara exchanged a concerned glance with the people around him. “Juuzou…” he began. “You fell down the stairs and hit your head. The doctor said you have a mild concussion, so your memory might be a little off. Do you remember talking to the medics?”

Juuzou thought. He knew for a fact that he had been taking the train home when it exploded. The ambulances had come, but he had died on the way to the hospital. It had definitely happened, but apparently Shinohara and the others had experienced a different series of events- one where he never got on the train, and as a result didn’t die. That was… odd, to say the least, but he had experienced plenty of odd things in his life.

Shinohara was still looking at him, so he smiled. “Maybe a little?” he said in reference to the question he’d been asked. “There were a lot of people, so I’m not sure. I might have dreamed, too, on the way here.” Trying to explain what had happened would only confuse people, so he’d hold off on that for now.

His explanation appeared satisfactory, and they told him to get some more rest. A few days later he was released from the hospital and sent home on the condition that he should avoid any strenuous activity. Considering his usual schedule, he didn’t see that being a problem any time soon.

For the most part, nothing changed after the incident. Shinohara might have been working longer hours, but other than that everything seemed exactly the same.

“Shinohara-san, I’m bored,” he said, lying on the floor.

“It’s a nice day outside,” his guardian pointed out. “Why don’t you go for a walk?” Juuzou shrugged, looking out the window.

“Don’t feel like it?” he said.

“Not an excuse,” said Shinohara in his parent voice. “It’ll be good for you to get some fresh air, anyway. You’ve been cooped up inside for too long.”

Juuzou pouted, but got up anyway. If nothing else, he could play with that stray cat that had been wandering around lately.

He picked a direction at random and started walking, humming to himself. Without thinking, he picked a flower and started plucking off its petals, laughing as he threw away the bare stem.

 _That’s like me,_ he thought, still giggling. _Only you can’t put the petals back, can you?_

“Humans are weird,” he said aloud. “I don’t get it.”

“Well, that’s ‘cause you’re a weird person and don’t fit in with everyone else.”

“Oh, that’s true, isn’t it? So if I’m the weird one, what am I supposed to do?”

He paused, thinking. “I always like to take things apart to see how they work,” he responded. “That sounds like it’d be fun.”

Juuzou frowned. “Yeah, but I’m already a put-together person, so I can’t. And Shinohara-san would get upset if I tried it on someone else. I don’t think other people come back from the dead very much.”

He would have responded, but he saw the twins up ahead and got distracted.

“Shiro, look, it’s Suzuya,” said Kuro. “Are you talking to yourself again? That’s creepy.”

“Totally creepy,” agreed Shiro, nodding to emphasize her position.

“Aw, don’t be like that!” Juuzou laughed.  “I just wanted to ask if I could take you apart, that’s all.”

The twins looked at him with identical looks of disgust on their faces. “Go away, Suzuya,” said Kuro. “We’re trying to play hopscotch.”

“Just ignore him, Kuro,” said Shiro. “Once Papa gets his wish, we won’t have to deal with him anymore.”

Juuzou tilted his head. “Wow, I didn’t know your father hated me that much,” he joked.

“Papa isn’t our father,” said Shiro flatly. “You wouldn’t understand.”

“Papa is smarter than our father,” said Kuro. “He knows things that normal people wouldn’t be able to understand.

“For example,” she added, “he told us that you were supposed to be dead.”

Shinohara put down his bowl, looking at Juuzou with a worried look on his face. “Are you alright?” he asked. “You’ve been awfully quiet today.”

“Hmm, have I?” asked Juuzou, still eating. “I guess. I’ve been thinking.” Since Kuro and Shiro knew about what had happened, it stood to reason that they might know why as well. Since that afternoon, he’d been thinking of a way to get it out of them. They didn’t typically respond well to violence, and any attempts to trick them into something had been met poorly. When Shinohara had asked, he’d been trying to come up with a way to sneak into their house and steal the information.

“…Hey, Shinohara-san,” he began. “Do you actually remember me dying?”

Shinohara froze, caught off guard.

“I know it happened,” Juuzou continued. “The train exploded on the way home and I died. Right?”

He could see the range of emotions play out across Shinohara’s face. First mild fear, then regret, then concern and eventually sorrow and resignation.

“You were… a casualty,” he said. “A certain group has been trying to reform the order of the world, seemingly without care for the lives it may cost. The people I work with have been trying to stop them, but we don’t know enough to use anything but stopgap measures. We believe that there’s a person out there who holds the key to the whole thing- it was probably that person’s actions that undid the accident that caused… your death. The problem is that we don’t know who this person is or where to find them, and there are undoubtedly other parties trying to find them.”

Juuzou thought about it, curious. “So then you just need to find them first, right? That doesn’t sound too hard.” He could sense Shinohara’s incredulous look and clarified. “There are about 7 billion people in the world, right? It might take a long time to sort through that many, but it’s not like you get more points if you do it in less time. You just have to find them faster than everyone else who’s looking. That’s not too hard.”

Shinohara looked at him, surprised. “I should have known you’d say something like that,” he said, smiling. “You truly are a strange one.”

* * *

 

A few years later, the twins disappeared without a trace. They left a note saying that they had left with a ghost who had promised he would change the world, and that there was no need to worry because everything would be different in the new reality. Shinohara announced that he was being sent to look for the person he had mentioned earlier and would have to leave Juuzou under someone else’s care. Juuzou nodded, understanding that it had nothing to do with him personally. Shinohara cared about him, and wasn’t just leaving because he was tired of being his guardian. Besides, Akira and Amon and Takizawa were interesting enough, so he didn’t feel like he’d be bored.

Gradually, more time passed and he grew up. His personality never really changed, according to his new caretakers, but it wasn’t like he was hurting anybody. On rare occasions Shinohara would make it back for a visit, which was always fun. Juuzou would ask if he’d found the person yet, and the answer would inevitably be a no, but it was more of a running joke than a serious question. After all, Juuzou wasn’t particularly concerned with the fate of the world or his own survival. They were just background noise against the backdrop of whatever he happened to be doing at the time.

One day a boy with black hair appeared, obviously afraid and insecure. Juuzou immediately recognized the air of change around him, as well as the feeling of being lost that Broiler children carried with them.

 _I guess it’s not gonna be over anytime soon,_ he thought, grinning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I still can't decide if I like this chapter or not. It's okay, I guess, and it explains a few things, but I think the next one is a lot more interesting.


	28. Burning Souls

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> People need light. And he has finally found his own. His own light; his own hope. That is the meaning of his life. But now, the world is trying to steal his light. You’re siding with the world, and trying to leave him behind in darkness. -Sanetoshi

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gaah~ I have my very first classes in university in about an hour. Not gonna lie, I'm a little nervous. Wish me luck!

_“The daughter of Ryoko is always welcome here.”_

Yoshimura had told her that while Irimi took Hinami to the back of the café. At the time she hadn’t understood, but if what he’d said afterwards was true then things began to make sense.

 _“Anteiku was founded as a safe haven for all those who find themselves caught up in the tides of fate. Our only purpose is to offer help to any in need of it.”_ People like her. People like Hinami. Even people like _him._

Kimi had discovered the café by accident one day on her way home from college. The coffee was good, so she came back again later and got to know some of the staff. On one of her visits she confided to the manager that she was worried about a friend of hers and gave a general explanation, noting the way he reacted to certain details. When she finished he told her that if she ever wanted to bring this friend for a visit, they would be more than welcome. Kimi had nodded, storing the information in the back of her mind for later use. Not long after, Touka had called.

Irimi drew back the curtain separating the back and front of the shop, wiping her hands on her apron. “She’ll be fine,” she said, talking to Touka. “What she needs right now is rest and someone with a kind heart to look after her.”

Touka heaved a sigh of relief, letting her shoulders slump forward. Hinami would be safe. But…

“What… do we know exactly what caused it?” she asked. “Are there any chances that she could get sick again?”

Irimi looked to Yoshimura, who steepled his hands in thought. “Her symptoms would seem to indicate that this is not a true illness, but a response to the course of fate being altered.”

“Then-” The one who altered it… there was only one person that could be, right? But he’d left the one he was supposed to be protecting behind. What was he trying to accomplish?

_The price we pay for their safety is to devote our entire selves to them. To keep them alive, we make them our everything. Are you saying he’s given up on that?_

“I’m sure Hinami-chan will be alright,” Irimi said, trying to be reassuring, but Touka shook her head.

“No, that’s not… I just…” She trailed off, unsure how to explain. Hinami was still her top priority, and she always would be. But if he’d actually found the Penguindrum, there would be a lot more to worry about. He was a part of the Washuu now, and their grand schemes to revolutionize the world. Even if he had good intentions, she knew how easily it was for people to get caught in the trap that had stolen her brother away from her.

_I don’t care about him. I don’t want to care about him. But if you’re really going to do this, you can’t expect me to just sit back and accept the consequences._

“Yoshimura-san,” she said eventually. “That man you mentioned earlier… If someone wanted to change the world, they’d go to him, right?”

“It is probable, yes.”

"Can you tell me where to find him?”

* * *

 

_“The world is a much more complicated place than many care to think about. When given the chance, they will often choose to consider only their immediate surroundings. You must always remember to ask yourself how others will be affected by your actions, do you understand?”_

Touka had never really given much weight to her mother’s words until now. She had been fine staying closed-minded as long as it meant that the ones she cared about were safe. Now, though, that line of reasoning wasn’t working anymore. She couldn’t protect Hinami by turning a blind eye to what was happening, nor, she was realizing, did she want to. Even if Hinami survived, there was Yoriko to think about. Her brother. That boy who’d been left behind. Without noticing, she’d started caring about what happened to the world outside of herself.

 _And I’m not gonna let one asshole take that away from me,_ she resolved.

Yoshimura had mentioned two individuals, a metaphorical lock and key. Not much was known about either of them, except for a few generalities.

_The one who holds the Penguindrum, and the one who knows how to use it. But also, that one’s keeper._

It wasn’t too difficult to guess where he’d go first. It was a place they’d both been to before, and the best place to meet someone if you were interested in making deals under the radar. Knowing when he’d be there, of course, was pretty much impossible, so she set up a nightly routine of stalking the entrance to the bar for a few hours before returning home to Hinami.

Sometimes she stopped to ask herself what exactly she was planning to do if she ever really found him. Talk him out of it? Yell at him? Try to guilt-trip him into giving up? She wasn’t sure. But what he was doing- what he was planning to do- was unmistakably the wrong thing, even if she didn’t know what was right in this situation. If she could convince him of that, great. If not, she could at least try to get a better understanding of how to keep him from doing something too terribly stupid.

About a week after she first began her stakeouts, she saw a familiar blond head entering the bar. She considered following him in, but decided that a confrontation in front of other people probably wasn’t the smartest move to make, so she waited. A few hours later she felt like she was about to fall asleep, but managed to catch him just as he walked out. She got up quickly and tailed him for a minute or two until she felt like they were far enough away that any commotion they caused wouldn’t attract unwanted attention.

“I have to say, I wasn’t expecting to run into you here,” he said, catching her off guard. Grinning, he turned around and put his hands in his pockets. “What, did you think I didn’t know you were following me? Come on, give me at least a little credit.”

Touka narrowed her eyes. He’d changed since the last time they’d seen each other.

_“Touka-chan, I have a favor to ask.”_

_She raised an eyebrow. She was skeptical about him asking her for anything, let alone showing up in the middle of the night to make a request. “What do you want?” she asked flatly._

_"It’s… it’s Kaneki. I need your help.”_

There was something about the way he held himself that she didn’t like. Still playful, but more… sinister. Like he was looking down on her.

“Just what do you think you’re doing?” she demanded.

He tilted his head to the side, pretending to think. “Me?” he asked innocently. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“You,” she repeated, angry. “Going off and joining the Washuu. I thought Kaneki Ken was ‘the most important thing in your life,’ but you’re okay with just abandoning him without any word as to where you’re going or when you’ll come back?”

_"I can’t… stay with him anymore. I’d only be putting him in danger. Please- there’s a place where he’ll be safe, away from all of this. Since I can’t take him there myself… I’m begging you.”_

His expression turned cold. “Of course he is. If Kaneki weren’t here, then everything I’ve ever done would be meaningless. Going back to the Washuu was the only chance I had to protect him, so I took it. If it’s for his sake, I don’t care how many people get hurt in the process- his safety is all that matters.” He said it casually, as if he were giving the time of day, but Touka began to realize just how large the difference between them had grown.

" _Why should I do anything to help you? What happens to him has no impact on me. I’ve got enough problems without you dumping yours on me as well.”_

“Do you think that would make him happy?” she asked quietly. “Knowing that you’re hurting and killing people for his sake? Can you honestly tell me that he would be okay with what you’re doing? Because if I did any of that, Hinami would be pissed. I want to protect her, but I also want to give her a life where she can be happy and doesn’t have to feel _guilty_ for being _alive_!” She hadn’t meant to raise her voice, but it was frustrating how dense he was being.

He drew in a long breath, letting it out as he looked her in the eye. “I don’t care,” he said. “He can hate me if he wants. If he resents me for what I’ve done, that’s fine. As long he’s alive, I don’t care about anything else.”

_“I have no right to be asking this of you. I know that. But even if I’m beyond hope, I don’t want to drag him down with me. So please… please help him!”_

In that moment, the look in his eyes truly scared her. She’d been wrong in her first assumption- he _had_ made Kaneki Ken his everything, but he’d also made him more than that. He had twisted his perceptions until Kaneki wasn’t just _his_ everything, but _the_ everything. To him, the entire rest of the world simply didn’t exist. He could no longer see beyond the limits of the universe he’d constructed around that one boy.

“If you think you’re helping him like that, you’re wrong,” she said. “You’re only deluding yourself into thinking that you’ve done the right thing by using him as an excuse. It’s time for you to realize that.”

He smirked, barely holding in his laughter. “Ooh, _Touka-chan’s_ gonna lecture me on how to keep someone out of trouble? Sorry, remind me again what happened the last time you were responsible for another person? Oh right, he ran off and Joined Aogiri. Yes, I can see how well your strategy works.”

If he was trying to provoke her, he had succeeded. “Don’t you _dare_ mention him,” she seethed. “You know _nothing_ about what happened to us, or what we had to go through. I was given a chance to do it right this time, and I’m not about to let someone like _you_ fuck this up for me, understood?”

“Woah, there,” he laughed, holding up his hands in a mock gesture of surrender. “No need to get upset, you know? It’s just the truth.”

She clenched her hands into fists, struggling to control her anger. It wouldn’t do her any good to shout at someone so trapped in his own head. Instead she took a calming breath, slowly relaxing her shoulders.

“I thought you actually cared about people,” she said. “What happened?”

His expression remained unchanged, but she noticed the way he avoided eye contact. “I realized something,” he said eventually. “People in this world take what they have for granted. They expect every day to be just like the last and don’t stop to consider how fortunate they really are. And I realized… they don’t deserve that. People should have to earn their happiness- day by day, moment by moment, like we do. They should learn what it’s like to have to fight for every scrap of hope you can get your hands on, and maybe then they’ll be able to appreciate it more.”

Touka’s face twisted, her eyes wide. “That’s horrible,” she said without thinking. “how could you say something like that?”

“You’ve seen it, haven’t you?” he asked, not answering her question. “People begging on the streets who get ignored by everyone who passes by. We’ve become desensitized to the concept of empathy for our fellow human beings. All I’m saying is that we should make the playing field a little more even, that’s all.”

There was no way to hide the revulsion undoubtedly splayed across her face, so she didn’t bother. Did he really not see how hypocritical he was being?

“Does that apply to him, too?”

He narrowed his eyes, meeting her gaze again. It was certainly intimidating, but she wasn’t about to let that stop her.

“If everyone is supposed to be fending for themselves, then where does that leave him? As far as I can tell, he’s had everything handed to him on a silver platter because you don’t want him to know how tough the real world is. Does this mean you’re gonna stop sheltering him from every little thing? Or are you saying that those rules only apply when you want them to?”

His expression had changed to a flat-out glare, but he wasn’t refuting anything she’d said. Instead he simply turned and began to walk away.

“Coward!” she called after him. Just before he turned the corner, he paused and glanced back at her.

“It only works once, you know,” he said. “There can only be one.”

And then he was gone.

* * *

 

“So, between the two of them, who would you pick?”

“To succeed? Him, of course. He’s got the motivation for it.”

“And the cruelty.”

“That too. Y’know, I was just thinking that he’d make a fine addition to our ranks with that attitude.”

“Ugh, no way. Too stuck up for my tastes- he doesn’t know how to have fun.”

“We _are_ all about having fun, aren’t we? What about her then?”

“Hmm… no, she cares to much. We’d never get anywhere with someone like that.”

“It really is a pity, isn’t it? Kids these days just don’t have their priorities straight.”

“Don’t worry about it. If needs be, we can always give them a little… lesson, you know?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dun-dun-duuuun....


	29. Because I love Him

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I’ll tell you a love story of today. If you chase, it’ll run. If you run, you’ll be chased. Things were going so well, but things end. Just like that. It ran away! What would you do? –Sanetoshi

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like at this point the plot is moving forward but nobody can tell where it's going. Really I'm having trouble remembering what happens in each of these chapters because of how long ago I wrote them. So if anything is confusing, I'm sorry.

_Hide’s trying to save my life. If I want to stop him, I either have to convince him that it’s impossible or that it’s not worth it._

Kaneki flipped over the photograph in his hand, the one from Hide’s graduation. Where had they gone wrong for them to have ended up here? No, that was a stupid question. He knew exactly when it had happened. If he hadn’t gotten kidnapped, Hide wouldn’t have had to trade himself over to the Washuu in exchange for his rescue- and that was what had happened, he was sure of it.

Juuzou’s story had given him a little more to go on, but he was still far from seeing the whole picture. Were the ones who had kidnapped him the same as the ones who were trying to change the world? What were the Washuu trying to accomplish, and how did he fit into it?

 _I have to think about this logically._ Somewhere out there was a person with the ability to change things that had happened in the past. They had brought Juuzou back to life, albeit not intentionally, so it stood to reason that they’d be able to do something about his predicament as well. That was probably what Hide was after. The Washuu most likely had some greater scheme in mind, considering what little he could remember of his time with them, but he didn’t know for sure if it was related to everything else that was going on. Most likely it did, but he wasn’t positive about their role yet.

Then there were the people who had kidnapped him. They almost certainly knew about his involvement with the attempts to change history, because why else would anyone be interested in him? They certainly hadn’t been in it for ransom money. He tried to recall anything that could be of use, but there had only been that room and the two people hurting him and Rize.

Rize. She existed only inside his head, but she seemed to know things he didn’t. When she’d first appeared, she had given him the strength he needed to stay alive. The more he thought about it, the more confident he became that she wasn’t just a figment of his imagination, but an actual person. Surely he could ask her about what had happened, right? She had been there, so she would know who had arranged his kidnapping and what they hoped to gain from it.

Just as he began to feel like he was getting somewhere, though, he remembered that he had neither seen nor heard from Rize since the day he’d gone to the Broiler.

_Rize? Are you there?_

Nothing. Was she just ignoring him, or had something happened so that he couldn’t talk to her anymore?

Frowning, he glanced at his clock. _Quarter ‘till one,_ he noted. _That’s probably enough time…_

He moved as quietly as possible, careful not to wake anyone up. Juuzou had said that he went back there every once in a while too, so it was probably fine that he was doing this, right? It was just to clear his head and sort through some thoughts, and maybe find out what had happened to Rize. It would be fine.

Without meaning to, he found himself wandering the city streets. It always surprised him, how many people were still out at this time of night. He would hear cars go by through his bedroom window and wonder where they were going and why. In his mind, he’d just assumed that they had somewhere important to be, or a long story to tell. Now he was one of them, and he knew that there was no real meaning to it. Reality had a way of seeping into even the most wondrous of delusions and stripping them of all their veneer until you were left feeling weighed-down and vaguely disappointed.

He didn’t bother paying attention to where he was going. After all, the Broiler wasn’t a place you could get to by trying- if you were meant to be there, you would find yourself there eventually no matter what you did. Sure enough, before long, he felt the pressure of the air change into something darker as the city dropped out of sight.

Somewhere deep inside the Broiler, living people were being erased from existence, but he felt separated from them. It could have been him, he knew, but it hadn’t been and he was left to face the consequences.

 _I wonder if Rize was here once,_ he thought distantly. _Maybe that’s why she left- she went back to where she belonged._ Half of him was hoping that he would get a response, but that half was let down.

Kaneki wondered how other people would see him now. He was technically an adult with no understanding of how to function in the real world, and snuck out in the middle of the night chasing after a ghost girl who lived in his head. Surely they’d have him committed, right? He couldn’t decide if that was comforting or not.

As he sat in silence, he decided that Juuzou had been right. It _was_ actually pretty peaceful here, so long as you weren’t about to be discarded. Maybe it would have been better to leave the kids behind, where they wouldn’t have to deal with all the hardships of being a real living person. Then he thought about it some more, and realized that leaving them just hadn’t been an option. They’d needed to be saved, and he’d been in a position to do it.

_Really? Are you sure about that?_

He opened his eyes. Standing in front of him was Rize, the soft light around her throwing the corners of the Broiler into deep shadow.

“You’re back, then,” he commented. “Do you only show up to correct me when I think I’ve done something right? Is that how it works?”

She shrugged, grinning. _Maybe. But it’s not like you can pretend you don’t know what you’re doing._

“Pretend I do. Enlighten me.”

_Really now, no need to be rude. I thought you missed having me around, but if this is how you’re going to treat me then maybe I shouldn’t bother sticking around._

“That’s not what I meant. I just want you to give me a straight answer for once.”

Rize sat down, twirling her hair. _Well, that wouldn’t be much fun now, would it?_ He glared at her, and she held her hands up in patronizing surrender.

_Fine then, you win. Ask away._

Suspicious but still determined to get answers, he steeled himself. “Who are you? And how do you know about everything that’s been going on?”

Rize hummed to herself as she pretended to think. _I told you that already, didn’t I? I represent the darkness inside you. As long as you keep off the straight and narrow, there’s not really much for me to do._ She tilted her head to the side before adding, _Though, if you wanted to be literal about it, you could say I’m the one who saved your life._

Okay, he had to admit, he hadn’t been expecting that. “What do you mean?”

_What do you mean, what do I mean? It’s exactly what it sounds like- the day the curse took effect, I stopped you from dying. What more explanation do you need?_

Curse? “What curse? I was a sacrifice to keep the Washuu family alive until they could finish whatever they were doing. There was no curse about it.”

 _Well, you’re right and wrong. That family used you as a sacrifice, but even they’re being manipulated to some extent. I can’t say I know much about the real mastermind, but suffice it to say that she’s created her fair share of enemies._ She looked at Kaneki pointedly.

“…And?”

_Among them was a certain doctor. You’ve met him, I believe. He was killed before you were born, and has been trying to come back ever since. So yeah, you may have been chosen to die already, but he made sure of it. There’d be plenty to worry about without him, but he’s the reason you died._

“So I was cursed to death. And you brought me back. That doesn’t really answer my question- who are you?”

 _So many questions,_ she giggled. _I told you I’d give you answers, but not all at once. Learn some patience._ She spun so that her back was to him and slowly faded out of view. Kaneki frowned at where she had been, but his attention was caught by a ray of light coming from the outside.

 _It’s already sunrise?_ He hadn’t been in the Broiler that long- a half hour at most. When had that much time gone by?

Regardless, he needed to get back before anyone missed him. He figured that as long as he could get into his room without being noticed, there would be no way to prove that he hadn’t been there all night. This proved a little more difficult to do than he had anticipated, but he managed it eventually.

Back in his room, he felt the time he’d missed somehow beginning to catch up to him. Everyone else was getting up and eating breakfast, but he just wanted to go back to sleep. He may have managed to drift off for a while, but it was the kind of sleep where you could have been out for hours and it would still feel like you’d only blinked. All he knew was that around 10:30 he heard a knock on his door and heard Mutsuki asking if he was awake.

“Barely,” he called back, not opening his eyes. The younger boy opened the door and sat down next to him with a look of concern.

“Are you okay?” he asked. “You’re not sick, are you?” Judging by the face he was making, Kaneki guessed that he’d been talking to Urie. The kid had good intentions, but he could be a bit morbid.

“I’m fine,” he said, finally getting up. “I was just up late reading last night, that’s all.” The lie rolled easily off of his tongue without thought. What they didn’t know wouldn’t hurt them. Mutsuki seemed satisfied with his answer, politely looking away while Kaneki got dressed.

“Akira-san said to tell you that she saved breakfast for you,” he mentioned. Kaneki finished getting his shirt on and nodded in appreciation. He moved to go downstairs, but Mutsuki called after him to wait. When he turned back, the boy had picked up a piece of paper from the floor and was holding it out to him.

“I think you dropped this,” he explained as Kaneki took the paper. He flipped it over, blinking when he realized it was the picture of him and Hide. He must have dropped it when he left that morning.

“Thanks,” he said absently. He meant to put it away, but found his eyes lingering on Hide’s face. When he finally managed to set it down, he noticed Mutsuki looking at him with a gentle look on his face.

“…Is he a friend of yours?” he asked hesitantly. Kaneki glanced back to the photo, considering. They had been friends, yes, but now that didn’t really seem like the right word for it. Calling them ‘friends’ didn’t really do it justice.

“...Yeah,” he said. “He’s… my best friend, actually. I owe him a lot.” _My life,_ he didn’t say. No need to get into that right now. Mutsuki gave a small ‘oh,’ of understanding and didn’t ask any more questions. He could probably tell that it wasn’t the best topic for conversation, for which Kaneki was grateful.

As he ate breakfast, he thought about what Rize had said. About how she’d supposedly been the one to bring him back to life. Now that he’d had a little time to reflect on it, didn’t that mean she was also the one who had saved Juuzou? Didn’t that mean _Rize was the person Hide was looking for?_

He stood up. That was possible, wasn’t it? Obviously Rize wasn’t just a coincidence- she was there for a reason. He just hadn’t considered what that reason might be. But if he was right, then he might actually be able to return things to how they used to be!

 _Not going to happen,_ said Rize bluntly.

“What do you mean?” He’d returned to the Broiler that night with the intent of asking Rize if she could talk to Hide like she talked to him, but she’d cut him off before he could even ask.

_I live in your head- I know what you’re thinking. And it’s not gonna happen. For one, you’re the only person I can communicate with. We’re bound together. And secondly, even if I could, I doubt he’d be as thrilled as you expect. From what I hear, he’s got other things in mind nowadays._

“Other things?” What was that even supposed to mean? He should have known better than to put his hopes on her, but it was still frustrating to be dismissed so easily.

 _That’s right._ She looked at him from the corner of her eyes, smirking. _What, are you surprised? Did you think that he would just drop everything and run back to you because you came up with an answer to save your_ own _life? How self-centered._

Kaneki gritted his teeth, trying not to rise to the bait. “I know that,” he said, not sounding nearly as convincing as he’d hoped. “I already decided that I’d become a bad person, remember? Hide’s putting himself in danger for me-”

 _Wrong,_ she said, smiling. _See, you did it again. You think you’re trying to do this for his sake, but you just don’t want him to leave you, isn’t that right? You’re afraid of being unwanted, so you’re trying to become useful again. You’re pretty tricky, aren’t you? You even have a backup plan in case he doesn’t come back after all._

“…I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

_Oh, don’t be like that. You Chose those kids of yours so that you’d have someone dependent on you, didn’t you? I mean, I can’t blame you- you’ve spent your whole life believing that you were special because your darling Hide put so much time and effort into you, and now that he’s gone you don’t know what to do. You just need to be needed, so you forced them into a life where they literally can’t live without you._

“I…” He wasn’t sure what to say. He thought he’d gotten used to the idea of being a horrible person, but apparently he couldn’t even do that properly. Or maybe he was _too_ good at it- he wasn’t quite sure. Still, it wasn’t like he could deny what Rize had said. That was probably _exactly_ what he’d been doing, only he was too stubborn to admit it to himself.

 _Oh, stop moping._ Her voice cut through his thoughts suddenly, like she had taken control of his head. _Who cares what your motives are? In the end, you’re not important, so nothing you do will matter. Isn’t that liberating? Think about it. There’s a war going on, but none of it has anything to do with you. Everything going on now would still be happening even if you’d never been born. So if that’s the case, why not go wild? Screw the bigger picture, let’s do what_ we _want for once._

Kaneki blinked. He wasn’t sure if she was trying to be motivational or insulting, but he did feel a little better.

 _What I want to do?_ he thought. _I’m not even sure what that is._ But that wasn’t true, now was it? Rize had said it herself. He wanted Hide to come back to him. He wanted to be loved again like he had been before all of this. It was a simple, selfish wish, but he’d been shying away from it to preserve his own image. He was done with pretending to be innocent or playing the martyr. He wasn’t sacrificing anything or saving anyone. He was just acting upon his own desires, no matter what anyone else had to say about it.

 _Hmm,_ Rize smirked. _Good for you._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll admit, I love writing Kaneki when he's thinking about himself. He should be selfish more often.


	30. You and I are Bound By M

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They’ll just use you and toss you away when they’re done! –Masako

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I've finally pre-written the last chapter of this fic, and now I've started working on a new one. It's like a time-travel AU, sorta. I don't know when that'll be ready, but we'll see.

“Akira-san, can I ask you something?”

Akira glanced at him over the top of her novel, then placed her bookmark and set it to the side.

“Something bothering you?” she asked. Kaneki bit his lip, trying to figure out how he wanted to go about this. He knew that Akira and Amon wouldn’t want to tell him everything, which was why he hadn’t asked until now, but now that he’d decided to do things for himself he had to make sure not to push too hard.

“I was, um, wondering… about Hide… how did you meet him?” Good, that was a safe place to start.

“Nagachika, huh?” she mused. “Let me think… that would’ve been almost five years ago now. I think that he worked as a part-timer at the company Takizawa was interned to. I don’t really know that much, but I guess they just hit it off. He started coming around every once in a while and the rest of us just sort of got to know him.”

Kaneki thought about that. “So it wasn’t…” he started, cutting himself off before he could complete the sentence.

“He didn’t know about Suzuya, no,” Akira confirmed. At his surprised expression, she raised an eyebrow. “That was what you were getting at, wasn’t it?”

“Well… yes,” he conceded. Akira nodded knowingly, putting a finger to her chin.

“As far as we can tell, he never knew about our role as protectors,” she said, “and we never looked into him. It wasn’t until recently that any of us noticed anything out of the ordinary.”

_Out of the ordinary?_

“Ah, I’m getting ahead of myself, I’m sorry. The point is that Nagachika didn’t approach us for our connection to the Change. It was never his intention for you to become a part of this.”

Kaneki nodded. He had noticed how careful she was being, skirting around topics she probably considered to be too much for him. It was time to start testing those boundaries.

“Why do you still use ‘Nagachika’ when you’re talking about him?”

Her response was immediate. He saw the quick intake of breath, the slight widening of her eyes that told him he was getting into more dangerous territory.

"You… know where he’s gone, don’t you?” Not an accusation, just a question- he was careful of that.

Akira pursed her lips, looking uncomfortable. “Technically speaking,” she began, and he knew she was about to avoid the question.

“Please tell me everything you know about the Washuu.”

His directness surprised her, and there was a long silence before she answered him. “I understand your concern, but it’s probably better if you leave this-”

“I won’t.” Even he hadn’t expected himself to be so bold, but he wasn’t about to back down now. He’d made himself a promise. “I’m sorry if I’m being rude, but this is something I need to know. Hide protected and supported me for almost my entire life, and this time I want to be able to do something for myself.” He looked her in the eye, trying to communicate his determination. Akira met his gaze, gauging his resolve to see if it would falter. When it didn’t, she sighed in resignation.

“Come with me,” she said, standing. He followed her into a little side office that he’d never noticed- or at least never paid attention to- before. Amon noticed them and furrowed his eyebrows, but Akira waved him off. She opened a drawer and dug through it for a moment before pulling out a card and looking it over. She plugged a few numbers into her phone and examined it closely, writing something down before returning the card to its proper place.

“I’m probably not the best source on this, but I do know a little.” She handed him the note she’d made. “Keep this. Don’t open it unless you need to.” He accepted it, mildly confused but not about to interrupt now that he was finally getting somewhere.

“The Washuu have been around for a long time,” Akira began. “They were just another wealthy family for a while, but they started getting involved with some more… legally ambiguous activities. The power probably got to their heads, because once they’d expanded their sphere of influence enough, they started trying to co-opt other smaller groups and build themselves an empire.”

Kaneki reflected on what he’d seen living with the Washuu and decided that her story definitely fit in with what he knew.

“So for a while, that was all that was going on. In the past couple of years, though, we’ve become aware of another group known as Aogiri. We think that they’re operating behind the scenes, using the Washuu and their ambitions as puppets. What they want is a total mystery, but they’ve been leading the Washuu to believe that if they follow certain steps they’ll be able to take over the world. Our best guess is that they’ll just wait until the last minute then take out the Washuu and claim that power for themselves.”

“…By ‘take out,’” Kaneki asked, worried about the answer, “do you mean ‘kill’?”

Akira shook her head, a silent code for _I don’t know._ Suddenly Kaneki began to get frustrated.

“But there’s a chance that that’s what it means?” he asked. “Hide could get killed just because of his last name?”

Akira was obviously uncomfortable. “We can’t say anything for certain right now, and even if we could it’s not like we have the power or numbers to-”

“So we should just leave him alone to die? It’s not his fault that things ended up like this, if anything it’s mine! There has to be something you can do- there are people trying to stop the Washuu anyway, right? Wouldn’t they be able to help?”

Akira gave him a look that was halfway between sympathy and frustration. “What you’re trying to do is admirable, but I don’t think you understand-”

“I _don’t_ understand!” he shouted, getting angry for the first time. “Because you won’t _let_ me understand! I’m trying to do something for once in my life, but I can’t because you all think it’s too dangerous to even talk about!” He felt tears pricking at his eyes and clenched his hands into fists to stop them from shaking.

“…I’m tired of it,” he said after a pause. “I’m tired of not being able to do anything. I apologize for my outburst, but if you’re not going to try to save Hide then I’ll find someone who will.” And he left the room.

* * *

 

And immediately faceplanted onto his bed, because that was _not_ how he’d intended that interaction to go _at all_.

 _Why am I like this,_ he bemoaned in his mind. Had Rize been there she certainly would have mocked him, but she seemed to only show up when he was in the Broiler.

He heard a soft knock on his door and his stomach sank, worried that he was about to get chewed out, but the voice on the other side turned out to be Saiko’s.

“Maman? Are you okay?”

He sat up, quickly running his fingers through his hair in an attempt to appear ‘okay.’ Taking a deep breath, he opened the door to find not just Saiko but all four of the kids waiting outside.

“Um…” he said, not sure what to say to them.

“We heard shouting and we just wanted to make sure that everything was alright,” Mutsuki explained when none of them spoke up. “Did… did something happen?”

“Aha…” He hadn’t meant to attract attention, and yet here he was. “No, I just…” Just what? What was he going to tell them? He thought about what Rize had said, about how he was just using them to feel needed. Fine- maybe he was. But wasn’t it a little hypocritical of him to try ‘protecting’ them when that was exactly what he’d just gotten upset about?

“I was just a little upset, that’s all.” He stepped back so they could come inside if they wanted and fished his picture of Hide’s graduation out of his drawer. He looked at it for a minute, smiling sadly to himself before replacing it. “There’s someone very important to me who I’ve been trying to find,” he explained, “and I guess I’m just not handling it too well.” He shrugged apologetically. Urie looked away disinterestedly, but Shirazu effortlessly sidestepped around him and found the picture Kaneki had been looking at. Mutsuki looked as if he were about to admonish him for looking at other people’s things without permission, but he didn’t. Shirazu looked at the picture, then back to Kaneki.

“You were a lot happier,” he said.

It shouldn’t have been that shocking. Of course he had been happier back when he was with Hide and everything was alright. That wasn’t news to anyone. But somehow, hearing it said like that, it felt different. This was someone who had no connection to his past, someone who could never know everything that had happened between the time in the picture and now, and he’d seen through him completely. And that sort of made him want to cry.

“Maman? What’s wrong?”

He blinked tears from his eyes, trying to smile as Saiko gave him a hug.

“We’re here for you Maman,” she said resolutely. “Always.”

And she meant it. He knew that. And for the first time that he could remember, he let himself cry.

“Thank you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was a bit of a filler chapter, but we're about to enter the final arc. Get ready.


	31. Frozen World

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I want to find out whether the concept of fate exists in the world, and whether or not that rule governs the universe. I want you to witness it as well. With me. That’s right, you two search for the Penguindrum together. Find out if it really exists. What do you say? It’s not a bad deal, is it? -Sanetoshi

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Something actually happens in this chapter. Yay...

For the first time in a long time, he had a dream. He recognized it from sometime before, and after a moment of thought he realized it had been where he’d first met Rize. She didn’t seem to be here, though, nor did any of the other mysterious figures.

He wandered around for a while, trying to determine why he was there. The last time it had been his subconscious trying to get him to remember the things he’d left behind. He’d already done that, so it had to be something else, but what?

“Oh, there you are, Kaneki! I was looking for you!”

He held his breath. It was just a dream- only a dream, he had to remember that. And yet, even knowing that, he couldn’t help the way his chest tightened at the sound of that voice.

“Come on, you wanted to go to that penguin show, right? We should get there soon if we wanna get good seats.”

He was torn. He didn’t want to keep fooling himself, but he couldn’t bring himself to turn away. Then he made the mistake of looking up and the decision was practically made for him. Hide was just as perfect as he’d remembered, just as kind and gentle and beautiful. He felt a pang as he wondered if this was still what he looked like in reality, but he pushed that thought away and refused to entertain it any further, letting Hide lead him away by the hand.

Being with Hide was easy. He didn’t have to think about it. It would be so easy to just give in to that little voice, the one whispering to him that there was no use in trying. Why not relax, surrender control and follow the path that others have decided for you? Wouldn’t that be nice? Hide let him do that, and he knew that if he stayed here much longer he would simply lose the will to be anywhere else.

When they left the aquarium the sun was already setting- another example of subjective time passage, he supposed. Hide was still holding his hand, and he leaned into the touch with a soft sigh.

“You getting tired?” Hide asked, gently pressing their foreheads together. “We should probably head home now then.”

He wanted to say yes- he _so_ wanted to. The temptation was there, telling him to close his eyes and never wake up again.

But he couldn’t.

Summoning all of his willpower, he put a hand to Hide’s chest and pushed him away.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered. “I can’t do this. I can’t let you do this.” His heart hurt to say it, knowing he was pushing away the love of his life, but he had to do it. This was the price he had to pay in order to see the real Hide again.

“Did I…” Hide began. “Did I do something wrong?”

Kaneki’s stomach sank as he realized this dream wasn’t going to let him go that easily.

“I just wanted to make you happy,” the dream continued. “I wanted to keep you safe.” There was hurt radiating from his eyes, and damn if Kaneki didn’t falter for a second. _This is wrong,_ he reminded himself.

“You want to protect me?” he asked. “How? By fighting my battles for me? By taking my problems into your own hands and not telling me about it?”

“Of course,” Hide said as if it were obvious, and the illusion shattered.

“…I don’t want that,” he said quietly. “I don’t want your protection, I want your respect. Because you think you’re taking care of me, but that only means you think I’m not capable of taking care of myself. And I don’t like that. I want us to be able to be together, and as long as you think you’re responsible for me that’s not going to happen!” He hadn’t mean to start crying, he really hadn’t, but the tears were there before he could stop them.

“I’m sorry, Hide. I really am.”

He woke up.

* * *

 

There was a strange bubble of static in his head. He was aware of what was going on around him, but he felt disconnected from it. If anyone tried to talk to him, he didn’t notice. He may have woken up, but the dream was still with him.

_I should ask Rize about this,_ he thought on impulse, but then he realized that might not be a good idea. He was getting too dependent on her for answers, and recently it had been becoming more and more evident that she had ulterior motives for helping him. Really he should have known that from the start, but he was too desperate to consider being suspicious.  

“I’m going out for a little bit,” he announced, not waiting to hear a response. Hopefully some fresh air would clear out the cotton in his brain, and he wouldn’t end up in the Broiler by accident in the meantime.

_Myself, the CCG, the Washuu, and Aogiri._ He ran over the list again and again, trying to sort it all out. _Two of those four are trying to find Rize and use her ability to gain power. I have her in my head. The CCG are… a safehouse, of sorts._

_At least that sort of makes sense._

Add to that what Rize had told him about Dr. Kanou and he thought he could begin piecing together the mess he’d gotten into and how to get Hide out of it. _We aren’t actually a part of the bigger picture,_ he mused, _so we can make decisions without having an effect._ That gave him some degree of freedom.

So. Basically, get Hide out of the Washuu’s grip and go somewhere far away, right? Yeah, no problem.

He was way in over his head.

_But,_ he told himself, _I’ve made it this far on even less information, so that’s gotta count for something._

He looked up and realized he had no idea where he was. Ugh, he should have been paying more attention to where he was going. He glanced around at the street signs nearby, but they didn’t tell him much- for all he knew, he wasn’t even in the Twentieth ward anymore.

“Um…” he mumbled, uncertain. Should he ask for directions? He was considering it when he noticed a figure standing in the crowd, watching him. They were wearing a hood so he couldn’t see their face, but something about them was familiar.

‘ _You really don’t understand anything, do you…?’_

Oh, that was right. He’d seen this person in his dream from long ago. And now they were here in reality, which probably meant they’d been aware of him before now and had been following him.

They motioned at him to follow, and he hesitated. He’d met three people in that dream, and two of them were more than likely psychopaths. Getting involved with the third was almost certainly a bad idea. And yet, and yet… he was going to, wasn’t he?

_I’m an idiot,_ he decided.

The person motioned to him again, then turned and melted back into the crowd. Kaneki started following a moment later, hoping he wasn’t making _too_ bad of a mistake. Several times he thought he’d lost sight of them, but they always turned up again around the next corner.

After a few minutes, he was beginning to think they weren’t actually taking him anywhere, just leading him around in circles- he was almost positive that he’d walked past that building at least twice before now.

And then he took a turn and found himself in a dark alley and wasn’t sure how to get out.

“Oh my. One would think you’re almost _trying_ to get lost, following a stranger around like that.”

Just like that, they were behind him. When had that happened? There was a hand on his shoulder keeping him from turning around, but the voice definitely sounded female.

_Trying to get lost,_ she had said. Maybe he was. Maybe that was the best he could come up with- if he put himself in enough danger, Hide would come to save him and they could run away together. But that was a stupid plan, and he knew it. He was smarter than that.

 “You’re thinking about yourself,” the woman behind him commented. “You’re analyzing your own feelings and cutting out the ones you don’t like, isn’t that right?”

The observation didn’t bother him as much as it would have a while ago. He was used to people dissecting his thought process by now, and it had become more of an annoyance than anything else.

“Do I know you?” he asked.

“Hmm… I wouldn’t say so. But I certainly know you.”

_Ah, I thought so._

“We’ve been keeping tabs on you for quite some time now, you see,” she said, “hoping we could get you to unlock your true potential. I do apologize for the rough time you had with the Awakening, but that’s just how things turned out. I did have a word with them afterwards, if that makes you feel any better.”

_Oh. This person… she’s with the people who kidnapped me. Isn’t this_ very _bad?_

She had released him and was ushering him forward, deeper into the labyrinth. “What do you want with me?” he asked, somewhere between curious and concerned. The mysterious person stepped around him so she was leading again, twirling slightly as she did so.

“It’s not you I’m interested in, per se,” she told him. “What I want is the person inside your head.”

_Rize… Is she with the Washuu? No, that wouldn’t make any sense. Aogiri then?_

“I _was_ just going to let things take their course, but it was getting a little tiresome, you know?” she continued. “So I thought I’d come and give you a little nudge in the right direction.” _Like that wasn’t suspicious._ “There are a couple of ways we could do this- we could try to wake up the other host and set our focus on her, or go ahead and finish your succession into the role, but neither of those sound very pleasant, do they?”

For the first time she turned around and faced him, eyes glinting. “Or,” she said, “I could return her to herself.

“Wouldn’t that be nice? You’d be free of all this trouble and I’d get what I want. It’s a win-win situation, really, but I need your cooperation for it. What do you say? Think about it- you’d finally be able to see your most precious person again, away from all the pain you’ve been causing each other. Doesn’t that sound good?”

This was a trap. This had to be a trap. It was so obvious, but he found that he didn’t care.

“I understand,” he told her. “If you’ll give me what I want, then I’ll go with you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just wondering, are people still reading this? Since I've finished actively working on it I've lost track of what's going on, but like... is anyone actually enjoying it? Is it interesting? Or am I just screaming into the void?


	32. This is What Drives Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> No storm lasts forever. But you can’t protect the people you love if you just wait for it to pass. –Takakura Kenzan

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter's a bit of a doozy. There are two scenes happening at the same time, and they're laced together so it might be a bit difficult to tell when it switches. I hope I made it clear enough, but if there's any confusion just let me know.

_It feels like… it’s been a long time since I was awake._

There was the sound of water and machinery, muffled light seeping through frosted glass. The sensation of _feeling_ again was a foreign one after so long away from her body.

_So this is your choice, is it?_

Her eyes opened.

* * *

 

“Umm…”

“Hm?” Yoshimura glanced up at her from his cup of coffee.

“I was wondering…” began Touka.

“How do you know so much about me?” asked Kaneki, sitting in the shadows. His head felt strangely empty, knowing Rize would never come back. He wasn’t sure how he felt about that.

"That’s easy,” said the one he’d been following. “I have _connections_. If anybody starts asking suspicious questions, we keep tabs on them. It’s not that difficult to do, really.”

“Ah, yes, I can understand why you would want to know that.” The old man set down his cup, his expression turning pensive. “I can assure you that we here at Anteiku would never violate the sanctity of your privacy, so you have no need to worry. Your connections to this organization are a result of the family to which you were born.”

“You did research on me, right?” he asked. “That’s how you know about Hide. So then… do you know about my past? Who I was before the Washuu ‘adopted’ me?”

“Oh, we knew about him _long_ before you came into the picture. Really, I’d say it went the other way around. But… yes, I do happen to have quite a large file on you.”

Touka thought about Hinami, the day they’d met at the park. She thought about Ayato, his accusation that at least one of them was going to make a difference in the world. Would it help to know why these things had happened? Would it bring her any comfort?

“My parents,” she said. “When they were killed… what were they running away from?”

“Your parents were hardly good people by any stretch of the imagination,” the girl in the hood told him. “And by that I mean they weren’t good at _being people_ \- all the responsibilities that come with existing as a part of society, and such. They just got caught up in their work and forgot about taking care of anything else. Let’s be honest now, if it weren’t for the Washuu you probably would’ve died from neglect.”

Kaneki bit his lip, looking at his feet.

“You should be thankful. Even if they hadn’t gotten you killed somehow, they would’ve brought you up to be another little cog in their horribly-planned machine. Oh sure he means well, but that man has _no_ idea what he’s doing.” She giggled then, mocking someone who wasn’t there.

“You’re aware of the Washuu family, I’m sure,” Yoshimura began. “Their enterprise is supported by a large population of unwitting individuals, collectively known as V. Your mother and father were once a part of this organization, but when they discovered its true purpose they attempted to back out. Needless to say, the Washuu do not take kindly to those who are… unloyal.”

“So they killed them.” And these were the people he had chosen to align himself with. She felt the familiar anger rising, but pushed it back down until she could hear the rest of the story.

“It is a fate that has befallen many. Anteiku was founded by the survivors of such incidents, and we seek to provide a place of safety for any others who find themselves in the same position.”

 “Tell me something, why do I have to be surrounded by fools?” Kaneki wasn’t sure what he was expected to say, so he stayed silent. Apparently that was the right thing to do, because she continued.

“My father was the same way. They both want to find a ‘peaceful solution’ to the problem. Your family was just unfortunate enough to be taken in by the idea of ‘a better tomorrow’ and it got them killed. Is that what you want for yourself?” Unlike the last one, this question didn’t seem to be rhetorical.

“Ryoko-san was the same, then?”

“She was,” Yoshimura confirmed. Touka clenched her hands into fists, the anger mixing with a bitter sorrow. _Just how many lives have they ruined? And for what?_

She remembered a story her father had told her a long time ago about a foolish king who had been promised power and riches. Rather than accepting the gift graciously, he bragged about it to the other nobles. A certain viscount thought that if only he could steal the gift, he could become king, and asked some of his trusted friends to help him. Unfortunately, the lure of omnipotence was too great, and they betrayed him. Soon all the nobles in the kingdom had turned against each other, and the monarchy was in shambles. And Touka had thought back then, like a child would, that it could all be fixed if somebody just got rid of the source of the conflict.  She was wondering now if that was even possible. If she could find and destroy the Penguindrum, all this would be over. But if she did that…

“I don’t want to die,” he said. “But I think… that feeling is a little different from what it used to be. There was a time when I didn’t care, and a time when I wanted to live no matter what the cost. Now though… if you told me I was going to die, I think I would be sad; I would want to stay alive, but if there was no way around it I would just want my life to have been worth it.”

“Is that so?” She crossed her legs, regarding him curiously. “You think your life has value?”

“I do.” It had taken him so long to be able to say that. To be able to live for himself, and decide on his own terms what was and wasn’t worth dying for.  

It was a matter of looking at the bigger picture. Could she sacrifice Hinami to save the countless others who would otherwise die at the hands of the Washuu? Did she even have the right to judge who did and didn’t deserve to live?

_If I use it to save her and_ then _destroy it…_ she thought, but no. That would mean she too had fallen victim to the temptation of ultimate power, no matter what her intentions were.

_One life for thousands. Could you make that choice?_

“I know that I’m insignificant. Me, Hide, everyone- as individuals, our lives don’t mean anything on their own. But what we do with them can give us meaning. I’m selfish, and ‘the greater good’ doesn’t mean anything to me. I have no guarantee that the rest of the world is worth it. What I believe in is the potential that one day, someone who lives because of me might do something great, and _that’s_ what I would be willing to die for.”

_Maybe it’s too late. Maybe there’s nothing any of us can do anymore._

_But._

“I want to believe that I can make a difference.” She looked Yoshimura in the eye, making her final decision.

“I’m going to destroy the Penguindrum.”

“I’m going to believe in a future that has learned from our mistakes.”

The old man and the hooded girl smiled, an answer to a question that had never been asked.

“As you will.”

* * *

 

“You’re certain you know where he’ll be?”

“Of course I am.” Furuta looked offended that his directions were being doubted. “I’m very thorough when it comes to researching people I want dead.”

Hide scowled at him. He just wanted this to be over with- to kill the man, get the diary, and move on to fixing all the problems the world had created for him.

“Where is it?” he asked. Furuta held up his bag, angling it so that the spine of the diary was visible. Hide nodded, but resolved not to take his eyes off of him- it would be just like Furuta to back out on his end of the deal for nothing more than laughs.

“Alright then. You know the way- let’s go.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... how was it? Did it make sense? Or maybe not? I tried.


	33. Uncrushable Man

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It must be crushed at once. –Masako

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hahaha, guess who just failed their first midterm?

_“Keep this. Don’t open it unless you need to.”_

He fiddled with the paper absentmindedly, allowing his mind to wander. His body told him that he was cold, but that didn’t really matter all that much- worse than the discomfort was the waiting. When he made the decision he had been confident, but with every passing minute he began to wonder if he had made a mistake. What if he never came? Or if he’d already been here and left, or if he wasn’t alone? No matter how much he reassured himself that things would work out, he couldn’t help worrying.

The girl across the room smirked at him before going back to braiding her hair. He waited.

* * *

 

Furuta had tried to convince him that he should be the one to drive, but that was one thing Hide would absolutely never agree to. First of all, he would rather have some control over the situation, but he also highly doubted that Furuta was the sort of person who could be trusted with heavy machinery. He’d probably get them both killed.

That said, having him as a passenger was hardly an improvement. No matter what Hide tried, the man just would _not_ shut up.

“I’m impressed, Hide-kun,” he said in a voice that did not sound at all impressed. “Who knew you were such a responsible driver? Especially considering you’re going off to kill someone and all.”

“Okay, first-” Hide shot him a pointed glare before turning his eyes back to the road- “never call me that again. Ever. Understood?”

“Yes, sir.” If insincerity had a face, he swore to god.

“And second, I’d like you to remember that since I’m behind the wheel I could choose to crash this car into oncoming traffic and there’s nothing you can do about it.” Furuta opened his mouth to say something, but made the wise decision to close it again when Hide began to turn the wheel right. Satisfied that he’d made his point, he straightened the car out again and enjoyed the silence.

That lasted _almost_ 40 seconds.

“So. While we’re here, why don’t you tell me about this boy you’re trying to save?”

Fuck him, seriously.

“I don’t think that’s any of your business,” said Hide tersely.

“But we’re _family_. It’s about time we have a heart-to-heart, isn’t it? To catch up on all the quality bonding time we’ve missed over the years?”

Bonding with Furuta was probably the last thing he would ever want to do, but if he lost his temper the oily-haired bastard would win. So he took a breath, very calmly, very slowly, and let it out again.

“I have no desire to talk about him with you,” he said as evenly as possible. Furuta pouted, crossing his arms and looking out the window.

“Hey, let’s play the street sign alphabet game, okay?” he suggested, and Hide gritted his teeth.

_Lord, give me the strength._

* * *

 

They were twelve, and it was summer. Kaneki didn’t like the heat very much, so he spent most of his time indoors, but every once and a while Hide managed to get him outside for fresh air. This typically involved quite a bit of coaxing, and often bribery.

“I have something to say,” declared Kaneki. He was lying on his back on the floor, limbs out in the spread-eagle position. Hide glanced down at him and raised an eyebrow.

“And what would that be?” he asked.

“It’s hot.” Kaneki stuck out his tongue and let his head loll to the side.

“Oh no,” said Hide, taking his role in stride. “Kaneki’s dead. Whatever shall I do?” He got up and crouched next to him, gently poking his side. Kaneki made a small squeaking sound and curled into a defensive ball.

“Hmm, maybe he’s alive after all,” Hide mused.

“Nope. I’m dead. The sun has killed me and now I am dead.”

“Dead people don’t talk.”

“Yes they do.”

Hide sat back, smirking. “Oh yeah? Then are they ticklish?” He reached out, but Kaneki rolled away immediately, emitting a high-pitched whine as he did. Once he had reached what he deemed a safe distance, he raised his head and stared distrustfully. Hide stood up and he flinched backwards, holding his arms up to protect himself.

“I won’t do it, I promise,” Hide told him with a laugh. Kaneki looked wary but slowly began to let down his guard.

“…Truce?” he asked.

“Truce.”

He seemed satisfied and scooched over so they were sitting next to each other. Hide smiled at him then threw his arms into the air, stretching.

“Okay,” he said. “I have done absolutely nothing all day, so I will now attempt to be productive.”

“Nooo,” Kaneki whined, wrapping his arms around Hide’s leg and effectively preventing him from going anywhere. “Stay.” Hide sighed.

“You know, _some_ of us have summer homework to be doing,” he reminded him. Kaneki frowned and tightened his grip. Hide crossed his arms, thought for a minute, and sighed again.

“If you let me go, we can go get ice cream.”

Kaneki immediately perked up, his eyes shining.

“Ice cream? He repeated.

“Yeah- but you gotta release my leg. Deal?”

Kaneki released him, holding his hands up instead. Hide pulled him to his feet, making sure he was supporting his own weight before letting go. Sometimes he would continue to lean against him for support, and often fell down again when Hide backed away.

“Go get your shoes,” Hide told him. “You can’t go out barefoot.” Kaneki did as he was told, coming back a minute later with a pair of sneakers in his hands. Hide helped him get them on and tied, and ushered him out the door.

 Most of the time, Kaneki seemed happy, but every once in a while Hide wondered if he was really doing the right thing. Kaneki was twelve- shouldn’t he be able to dress himself and tie his own shoes by now? What if something happened and Hide wasn’t there to take care of him any more- was babying him like this really doing any favors? But then he thought about what he’d been like before, when he cried every night because of the nightmares and pain and the fear of being alone, and he couldn’t bring himself to stop. Kaneki deserved to be innocent. He deserved to be a child.

"Hide, say ‘aaah.’” He looked over to see Kaneki holding out a spoonful of his ice cream. He accepted it, passing the spoon back before asking,

“What’s the occasion?” Kaneki sharing food, especially sweets, _especially_ without prompting, was extremely uncommon. But Kaneki didn’t answer. He just blushed a little and looked away.

 _...Okay then?_ Normally Hide was pretty good at figuring out what Kaneki was thinking, but he was drawing a blank on this one.

Later that evening they were sitting under the fan when Kaneki tapped him on the shoulder. He wouldn’t make eye contact, but he held out a drawing and pushed it into Hide’s hands.

“Hmm?” It was a portrait of sorts with messy kanji spelling out ‘Happy Birthday’ at the top.

_Oh, that’s why…_

The first few years they’d spent together, Kaneki had been too sick and Hide too busy to celebrate. Hide’d tried to reassure him that it didn’t matter, but Kaneki was determined to do something for him. To be honest, he hadn’t even remembered that today was his birthday.

“Thank you, Kaneki,” he said, beaming at him. “I love it.” Kaneki’s face lit up in pride and relief and he smiled happily. His joy was interrupted by a yawn and he turned red in embarrassment.

“Aww, getting sleepy?” Hide teased. Kaneki’s blush intensified and he turned away.

“…’m not,” he mumbled. Hide poked at his cheek and laughed at the tiny noise he made in response.

“Don’t lie,” he chided. “Good children don’t lie.”

Kaneki was going to argue, but he yawned again and effectively rendered any defense invalid. Even so, Hide knew he wouldn’t simply accept that he needed to go to bed, so he picked him up and held him over his shoulder.

“Nkyaa!” he squeaked. “Let go!” He kicked his legs in protest, but Hide had a tight grip on him and refused to let go until he had been firmly deposited in his bed.

“Stay,” he instructed, tucking him in.

“Read me a story?” Kaneki asked. Hide sighed, knowing he wouldn’t be able to say no even if he wanted to.

“Just one,” he said resignedly. Kaneki cheered and nestled farther into his blankets.

By the time Hide finished reading, the younger boy was already half asleep. He rubbed at his eyes and yawned, and Hide smiled.

“Get some sleep,” he said softly, pressing a kiss to his forehead.

  “Goodnight, Kaneki.”

* * *

 

Hide frowned, drawing his coat tighter around himself. The temperature of the air had dropped since he parked the car, and the chill wind wasn’t helping. Somewhere in the shadows Furuta laughed.

“Shut up,” he whispered, irritated.

Furuta had lead him to an obscure location on the outskirts of the city, shadowy buildings popping up out of the darkness seemingly at random. Supposedly, this was where Arima Kishou would be found.

He pushed his way through several doors, nothing but empty rooms behind each of them. Some of the lights were on, others switched off- there didn’t seem to be any particular logic to them.

Suddenly he stopped, listening. To his right, he could hear a quiet mechanical whirring. He crept forward slowly, pressing an ear to the wall. It sounded hollow.

He felt around the wall, searching for the latch he knew should be there. He found it and forced it open, opening the way into an access corridor.

The corridor was lit by bright florescent lights hanging from the ceiling. The walls were lined with pipes and valves, and every so often there was a hissing sound as pressure was let out.

He continued following the passage until he reached a set of double doors. The whirring was coming from the other side. Cautiously he turned the handle, pushing it open.

The room on the other side was bigger and brighter than the ones before it. There was a large tank filled with water to one side, hooked up to a series of complex machinery. And in the very center, turning around at the sound of the opening door, was-

“Kaneki?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's me! I failed!   
> ...I'm so depressed.


	34. You Have Finally Realized It

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I finally understand why you and I were the only ones left in this world. You and I were already lost children, but most children in the world are the same as us. That's why, even once was enough: We both needed someone to tell us "I love you". –Tabuki

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not gonna lie, I actually sort of like this chapter. This was the one that I had planned from the very beginning, so I put a lot of effort into making sure that it came out right. This and the next one are pretty much the climax of the story, then we'll enter what I like to call The Exposition Machine.

Why? Why was Kaneki here? He was supposed to be in a safe place, far away from all of this. That had been the whole point. So what was he doing here?

“Hide…” His face was a strange mix of emotions- relief, excitement, sorrow, regret. Hide, however, could only feel anger.

“What are you doing here?!” he shouted. Kaneki flinched back, a look of hurt crossing his face.

“I…” he said, uncertain. “I… wanted to see you again.” The hope in his expression had been replaced by fear.

_He wanted to see me? He’s putting himself in danger for such a stupid reason?_

“Go back,” he told him. “You don’t belong here.”

Something about Kaneki changed then. Hide expected him to back down, to apologize and do as he was told. Instead, something in his gaze hardened. For the first time that Hide could remember, he was angry.

“What right do you have to tell me where I belong?” His voice was quiet and shaking slightly. “I’ve been alone this whole time because _you_ made the decision that I was better off that way. Did you ever ask me what I wanted? Or were you just acting to preserve your own ego?”

Hide stared at him. How could he say something like that? How dare he, after everything Hide had sacrificed for him?

“Listen, I realize that you’re upset,” he said, placating. “But you have to believe me that this is for a good cause. I don’t expect you to understand-”

A poor choice of words.

“Oh, he doesn’t expect me to understand.” There was a bitterness to his words, a sort of sneer that he’d never had before. “No, you know what? _You_ don’t understand. You still think I’m a child who needs your protection because you never learned to see me as anything else. And you tell yourself that you’re doing this for my sake because that’s what you want to believe, so you won’t listen to me when I say that I don’t need your help anymore.” His voice cracked on the last word, tears beginning to form in his eyes. Hide didn’t know what to say. He could practically hear Furuta somewhere in the shadows, laughing at him.

“You think you don’t need me?” he asked. “You think you could survive on your own?” That wasn’t what he wanted to say.

“Fine then, go ahead and try it. I bet you wouldn’t even last a day.” That’s not what he meant.

“You’ll come back to be because you have to. Because you can’t live without me.” This wasn’t right.

Kaneki’s expression flashed to a look of unbridled fury for just one second, then folded into something resembling regret.

“Are you sure?” he asked softly. “Because I think I’ve been doing that for a long time now.”

 _‘Do you think that would make him happy?’_ Touka’s words drifted back to him from the corner of his mind, bringing with them all the little doubts that had been building up there. Kaneki walked slowly forward, extending a hand and letting it hover just in front of Hide’s chest. An unspoken question hung between them, stretching and filling the uncomfortable silence.

_Are you sure about that?_

Hide’s eyes widened and he involuntarily took a step back. That voice hadn’t been his.

_He’s going to leave you, don’t you see that? Are you just going to let this happen?_

“…No.”

Kaneki looked confused, retracting his hand by a fraction of an inch. “…Hide?” he asked.

 _I won’t let anyone take him away from me. Not even him!_ Without realizing it he had stepped forward again and grabbed Kaneki by the wrist.

“Hide, what are you- Hide, that hurts!”

“You… you can’t,” he whispered. Some part of him knew that he shouldn’t be doing this, but it was drowned out in a sea of static. “All of this… it’s all been for your sake. You can’t leave now. I won’t let you.”

Kaneki’s eyes widened. It was obvious that he was still in pain, but he looked Hide in the eyes… and smiled. Hide felt him relax against him and the static cleared just a bit.

“It’s okay,” he murmured. “I was the same way. I was living by using you as an excuse, because I was too scared to live for myself. Even I… did terrible things ‘for your sake.’ We can’t help it. Because being alone… is scary.” He looked up, the beginnings of tears forming in his eyes, and Hide’s grip loosened. “It’s normal to need people by your side. And so we’ll do anything it takes to make them stay. But I’ve realized… that isn’t love. If you love someone, you have to accept that the world they live in may be different from yours. You have to remember that who they are in your head isn’t always how they see themselves- and you have to live with those differences.

“Hide… for most of my life, I’ve been chasing after an idealized version of you. I couldn’t see anything else, because I wasn’t really looking at you. But now… I finally get to see _you_. You’re stubborn, and you’re scared of being alone, and even though you make friends so easily you never really open up to anyone. You’re kind and protective and only know what to say about half of the time but you fake it so well that nobody’s ever noticed, and you’re funny and a good liar and… I… and I love you.”

He was crying. Was that Kaneki, or was it Hide? Or was it both of them? All he knew was that he had dropped Kaneki’s wrist entirely and pulled him closer, holding tightly.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered. “I love you. I’m sorry.” And Kaneki shook his head, telling him it was alright and he had nothing to apologize for, and they were definitely both crying because this should have happened such a long time ago but never did.

And of course, a moment like that had to end.

There was the sound of a struggle and Hide automatically held his arm in front of Kaneki as a shield.

“Oh my~” Furuta’s voice drifted from the darkness. “I do hate to interrupt such a touching scene, but I’m afraid we have an uninvited guest.” He stepped into the light, dragging a girl by the hair behind him.

“Fuck… you…” she ground out through gritted teeth.

_What is Touka-chan doing here? No, before that…_

“Let her go,” he ordered Furuta. “She doesn’t have anything to do with this.”

Furuta grinned. “Well, I would,” he said, “but then she’d only try to hurt me more, you see?” To demonstrate, he released her and she immediately tried to knock him over. He promptly caught her arm and twisted it behind her back, pinning her in place.

 _For her to be here… she must have known, right? There’s no way for it to be a coincidence._ He shot a glance at Kaneki, who looked worried but not afraid. _It’s alright,_ he told himself. _I can handle this._

“Touka-chan, stop it,” he said. “Fighting him won’t get you anywhere.”

The look she gave him was venomous. “You know, don’t you? He has it. Why are you doing his bidding when you could just take it?”

“Because Hide-kun here is smart,” Furuta answered for him. “Oh, that’s right, you didn’t like that name, did you? My apologies.” Hide bristled, but remained silent.

“Now, let’s see,” Furuta continued. “This young man here must be Kaneki Ken, correct? What a pleasure to meet you.” He looked around the room, clapping his hands together excitedly. “Well then. I have a small proposal to make. Hide-kun, if you could take care of this charming young woman, I’ll have Kaneki-kun escort me to Arima Kishou and be done with my business.” Touka and Hide both adopted similar looks of worry. If he were really going to do it himself, then it was entirely possible that neither of them would get the Penguindrum. And more than that, why did he need Kaneki?

“Hide.” It was barely a whisper, something meant for only the two of them to hear. “It’s okay.” Then, raising his voice, he addressed the people across the room.

“Excuse me,” he said politely. “Arima-san asked me to tell you that he’s currently in his study. He’s rather busy at the moment, but I’m sure that he’ll be able to meet with you soon.”

Concerned, Hide leaned down to whisper in Kaneki’s ear. “Kaneki, he’s going to kill him. He wants to _kill_ him, don’t you get it?”

Kaneki just smiled at him. “I know. Arima-san told me earlier that someone like him might come here. He said it’s nothing to be worried about, and that none of us would be in danger.”

“And you trust him?”

“I do.”

Furuta didn’t seem terribly impressed. He tossed Touka to the side and marched over to where they stood, grabbing Kaneki by the collar before Hide could react.

“Don’t you dare-” started Hide, but he was pushed to the side. Suddenly, he realized just how little he knew about the man in front of him. Furuta had never struck him as being particularly strong, but that had evidently been a misconception on his part. It wasn’t that he’d never had doubts about his true intentions- he’d been fully prepared for him to declare that he’d changed his mind or that actually, he needed just one more favor before he was ready to hand over the diary. He’d even been ready to defend himself just in case the need ever arose. He hadn’t expected Kaneki to be there, and he hadn’t prepared for the possibility of his life being put in danger.

“Don’t hurt him.” It came out somewhere between an order and a plea, and he knew that if Furuta wanted to, his words would have no effect. But Kaneki looked calm, so the fear bubbling in Hide’s gut had yet to turn into panic.

Somewhere, a girl laughed.

The voice wasn’t Touka’s- she was holding her side where it had been bruised when she fell. Yet somehow, he felt as if he’d heard that voice.

“Listen here, lowlives.”

His eyes widened. Furuta had dropped Kaneki and was looking around frantically, and even Kaneki seemed mildly surprised. Meanwhile, Hide’s heart was hammering in his chest. He’d met this person, many times, while they were wearing Kaneki’s body.

“You’ve got it all wrong, you know? I’m up here.”

They looked up, and there she was. Sitting on the rail of a catwalk that spanned the circumference of the room was a girl with long purple hair. She was wearing a plain white dress that looked more like a hospital gown than actual clothing, but there was a strange radiance about her.

“Rize-san,” said Kaneki flatly. She smiled at him and dropped lightly to the floor. Furuta’s reaction, however, was the polar opposite. He seemed to be in complete and utter shock.

“…Rize,” he said, awestruck. “ _My_ Rize. I thought for certain that they had killed you! I’ve thought about you every day since I lost you- I prayed that one day, I would see you again. And now, after all this time, we have finally been reunited! Surely, this is what you would call fate, is it not?”

In contrast to his overjoyed response, she seemed rather nonplussed. Barely sparing him more than a cursory glance, she turned her attention away again. Hide watched their interaction with confusion, noting the way Furuta’s expression shifted from overjoyed to denial.

“Do you… do you not recognize me?” he asked, sounding more than a little desperate. She looked him up and down with a raised eyebrow and a smirk on her face. “It’s me,” he tried again, as if it would help. “Back when we were children, in the Garden, I promised that I would give my life for you. Do you really not remember?”

She bit her lip as if she were thinking, then gave him a smile that said she knew exactly what she was about to do.

“I’m sorry,” she said unapologetically. “I’m afraid I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Hide could hear the sound of something breaking.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> R.I.P Furuta.


	35. My Soulmate

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> True love that seeks naught in return. It’s about possessing the true form of one’s affection. Those who fail merely shoot themselves in the foot. -Masako

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The end draws ever nearer. We are approaching the Machine.

“I’m afraid I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

The girl in the white dress smirked as she casually tore down Furuta’s hopes and dreams. Hide had never liked him, but even he had to admit that she was being a little cruel right now. The guy looked absolutely crushed.

“How could you say that?” he asked. “After everything we’ve been through, how could you simply forget about me?”

She tipped her head back and thought. “I dunno,” she said with a shrug. “I guess you just weren’t that important to me, or I would have remembered. Really you only have yourself to blame- if you want to make an impression on someone, you have to be more interesting.”

 Hide felt Kaneki tense up beside him, and glanced over to make sure he was okay. Surprisingly, he seemed more irritated than worried.

“Rize-san,” he said warningly, and Hide frowned, wondering how they could have met. The girl just smiled and waved him off.

“Don’t worry about it, darling,” she said. “I can handle this.”

And then Furuta snapped. He rounded on Kaneki, his face contorted in fury.

“You,” he seethed, drawing closer. “You stole her from me!”

Kaneki stepped back and Hide reflexively put himself between them, but it turned out to be unnecessary. Before anyone could react, Rize had grabbed Furuta by one arm and slammed him to the ground. He lay there in a sort of daze, while Hide stared on in amazement. In the corner, he noticed that Touka had gotten up and was watching them with a look of mild terror on her face. He understood the sentiment entirely: _These people are dangerous._

“Honestly, you’re so pathetic,” Rize sneered. “He ‘stole me?’ I don’t belong to you. If anything, if you’re going to keep lusting after me like that, I’d say it seems more like you belong to me.” She leaned over him so that her hair was dangling in his face. “You probably think I’m some sort of goddess, don’t you? You’ve made me out to be this perfect being in your head, and you’ve chased after that because you could never have the real me. Honestly, get a life.  The fact that you even considered that I would be interested in a pathetic loser like you is just sad.”

She started laughing, obviously amused by the devastation she had caused. In that brief moment when her guard was down, Furuta sat up and wrapped his hands around her throat. Her eyes widened for a second, but even the imminent threat of asphyxiation didn’t seem to faze her.

“Go ahead,” she said, taunting. “Try it. I dare you.”

He stared at her with manic eyes, breathing heavily. She met his gaze impassively and Hide watched with baited breath. Furuta sat back slowly, his shoulders slumping.

“She…” he mumbled, standing up. “She doesn’t… remember me. She doesn’t love me. My Rize is…”

He continued mumbling to himself, swaying on the spot. Hide instinctively held Kaneki closer, not trusting whatever might happen next.

Furuta stopped suddenly, a disturbing grin creeping across his face. He put a hand into his pocket, laughing to himself.

“That’s it then,” he decided. “If I can’t have you… I don’t want you anymore.” He pulled out a lighter, and suddenly Hide realized what he was planning.

“Don’t-” he said desperately, but it was too late.

“All of this… I don’t need it anymore.” And Furuta lit his bag on fire. The bag with the diary inside. His one hope of saving Kaneki was going up in flames before his eyes, and he couldn’t do anything about it.

_No. No. That can’t happen._

_I can’t let that happen._

* * *

 

Kaneki saw the fire. He felt Hide release him and watched as he ran, and he knew what he was trying to do. It was as if it were happening in slow motion, and he knew that he would not be able to save it.

Rize had told him about her diary. He knew why Hide wanted it, but this was too much. That fire could kill him.

“…Don’t,” he whispered, rooted to the spot. _You’ll burn. You’ll die, and I can’t save you from that. Please, don’t do it._

He had to do something. To speak, to move, to stop Hide before he lost him all over again. _But I can’t, I can’t,_ his doubts told him. _I’ll be too late._

Something was wrong. There shouldn’t be this much smoke. He looked around, and saw only red. The heat was nearly unbearable, and he couldn’t tell if he was going crazy or the room was really going up in flames. _From such a small source, this shouldn’t be possible,_ he thought, but the realms of possibility didn’t care much for what he believed.

It seemed as if there were a solid wall between him and Hide, determined to keep them apart. His vision swam as he reached out, desperately trying to bridge that gap.

_Something. I have to do something. I have to…_

He stepped forward.

“Stop it!” he cried, throwing his arms around Hide, holding him back. “I don’t need it!” There was fear in his voice as he held on for dear life, the line between reality and his imagination blurring again.

“I don’t need it,” he repeated. “Because-”

* * *

 

Everything was dark. He shut his eyes, trying to convince his body to let him rest, but it wouldn’t listen. Instead he was plagued by nightmares, grownups laughing as they slowly tore him to pieces. It felt like he was drowning and every time he opened his mouth to scream more water flooded in instead.

Amidst the dark there was a single light. A gentle hand, reaching out and providing the comforting touch for which he so craved.

“It’s okay now,” whispered Hide, holding him in his arms. “You’re okay now. They won’t find us here.”

Kaneki clung to him, too afraid to let go. Every time it felt like he could remember less and less the meaning of the monsters that haunted him in his mind, but that they were something to be feared regardless. Every time Hide comforted him, he felt as if he were losing something important. But Hide told him it was okay, and that there was nothing to be afraid of, and he listened to him.

Hide was his everything. His light, his hope, his promise and his dreams. He didn’t have a single memory that wasn’t of the two of them together. That was all he’d ever known, and he had been given no reason to believe that things would ever be any different.

“As long as I’m here, you’ll never have to worry about anything ever again.” And Kaneki believed him. As long as he kept following his light, the darkness didn’t scare him anymore.

It wasn’t until much, much later that he realized that Hide had been in the darkness that whole time without anyone to guide him. And when he thought about how terrifying that must have been, he wanted to cry.

There was a crack, and the sound of water.

* * *

 

When he opened his eyes, the fire had gone out and there was a thin layer of water on the ground. The diary lay in ashes before them, burnt beyond repair. Rize was gone.

“You’ve already shared your life with me,” whispered Kaneki into Hide’s back. “I can’t ask for anything more than that.”

“Kaneki…” Hide turned so they were facing each other.

“It’s okay,” he said, smiling. He laughed a little, feeling his eyes water. “It’s funny, isn’t it,” he asked. “We were both trying to save each other, but by now we’re already beyond saving.”

Hide looked at him with heartbreak in his eyes. Kaneki buried his head in his chest, holding onto him tighter.

“I’ve decided that’s okay though,” he said. “If being in the darkness is our fate, then I’ll gladly spend the rest of my life there if it means I can be by your side.” He looked away, towards the open door. “Just because we’re in the dark doesn’t mean we can’t help somebody else find light.” He seemed to be addressing someone, but Hide couldn’t see who. Then, hesitantly, a little girl poked her head around the door.

“Hina,” said Touka in surprise. Hinami looked at her apologetically, then back to Kaneki.

“We’re the same, aren’t we?” she asked. “Then… that diary… was that the only way to save us?” Kaneki shook his head, smiling.

“You don’t need the diary to use the spell,” he told her. “So there’s nothing to be afraid of.”

Hide looked at him, surprised. “You know how to use it?” he asked.

“In theory,” he said evasively. “I probably wouldn’t be able to, though.” Hide frowned, not convinced.

_There’s something he’s not telling me,_ he decided. But still, that didn’t fix the bigger problem. Even if they could use it, the diary would only be able to save one of the two. Sooner or later, they would have to make a choice.

Kaneki squeezed his hand reassuringly. They still had time before that happened.

Across the room, a door opened and a man with white hair stepped out. He seemed unsurprised by the gathering of people in the room, and only mildly fazed by the puddle of water.

“Oh,” he said, glancing to the broken tank with mild disinterest. “I suppose that will need to be fixed.” It was almost as if he were talking to himself. Hide had never met this mysterious person before, but there was no doubt in his mind that this was Arima Kishou.

A glance of worry shot though him and he shot a quick look at Furuta, but he was curled up in a corner wallowing in his own despair.

“Arima-san,” said Kaneki in mild surprise. Arima nodded at him in acknowledgement, continuing his survey of the damage caused.

“Um…” said Hide, a little uncertain. Arima paused and turned to him, his eyebrows raised in expectation.

“You… you took care of him. I just… wanted to say thank you.” Such a horribly inadequate phrase- but then again, was there really any one combination of words that fit this situation? How did you go about talking to the man you were supposed to have killed?

Fortunately Arima seemed to understand. “We do that which needs doing,” he said simply.

There was a moment of silence as Arima continued about his business, leaving the rest of them to figure out for themselves what to do next. Hide glanced towards where Touka was standing with Hinami and the two of them shared a mental shrug: _What do you think? I don’t know, what do_ you _think?_ It was all just so… anticlimactic. After everything they’d been through leading up to this point, were they expected just to say ‘oh well’ and go home?

Then he looked back at Kaneki and realized that he didn’t really need anything else. What was the point in asking for a grand finale when he had everything he could ever hope for right here?

“Hey,” he whispered, smiling. “You wanna go home?” And Kaneki smiled back.

* * *

 

“So what- was that it?”

“I’ll admit, I Furuta’s performance was a bit of a letdown. I had such high hopes for him, you know?”

“Ah, but what can you do? There’s always gonna be a bit of hit-or-miss with these things.”

“Yeah, but it’s boooring. I wanna see some hearts break.”

“Then go out and kick a puppy or something- these things take _time_. You can’t just go out and cause a tragedy whenever you feel like it, it doesn’t work that way. If you rush in without proper planning, you just get a mess.”

“And what’s wrong with that?”

“Nothing, really. It’s just a matter of effort and payoff. Bigger schemes may not work out all the time, but when they do they’re much more rewarding.”

“…You know what, I’m beginning to think that you put too much thought into this.”

“Maybe I do. But _I_ think it’s fun, so I don’t really care what anybody else has to say about it.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't even know what I'm doing with my life anymore. Somebody help.


	36. The Bell of Fate Tolls

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Where’s the fun if you freeze over without doing anything? - Sanetoshi

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome to the Exposition Machine! This is pretty much a retelling from the ground up designed to fill in any gaps about what happened before the story started. It might not be as interesting, but hopefully it'll answer any unresolved questions.

“This country is in a state of decline. If nobody takes action, it will undoubtedly mark the end of the age of civilization.”

The men in suits sat at a long table, their faces obscured by shadow. Yoshitoki stood at the front of the room as he addressed the gathering while Tsuneyoshi sat in the corner, listening.

“The human race has gone too long without realizing their sins,” Yoshitoki continued. “Today’s governments are lax: criminals go unpunished, corruption runs rampant, and our leaders continue to turn a blind eye. But we will stand by our resolve to make things right!”

There was a smattering of applause, and Yoshitoki paused his speech until it had died down. “Thank you,” he said with a small bow. “Now, as I am sure you are already aware, we are not the only ones to have noticed this problem. Approval ratings for the current government are at an all-time low. The way things stand, it would increasingly simple to sway the public’s opinion in our favor. We need only to prove that our leadership would be superior to any current alternatives.” He narrowed his eyes and scanned the room, testing the response of the occupants before continuing.

“Our relationships with other countries are not good. One could hardly be surprised if a group of militants decided to launch an attack on our capital. And, in the unfortunate event that such an attack occurs, we will be standing at the ready and as such will be able to respond long before any official action can be taken. Once we have won the trust of the people, their loyalty will follow without fail.”

The group nodded and murmured amongst itself, seemingly in agreement. A few lives in exchange for the redemption of society was more than a fair price to pay.

From the back of the room, someone spoke. “These terrorists,” they said quietly. “What guarantee do we have that they would be completely unassociated with us?” The speaker received quite a few ugly looks, but Yoshitoki appeared unfazed.

“That is an excellent question,” he said with a smile. “We would, of course, have no part to play in any of these events, but it would not be unreasonable if suspicion were to be cast in our direction. With that in mind, I would like to present something.”

He opened a door to his left and a group of teenagers filed out. They were all wearing matching black uniforms and their faces were blank.

“These are the first graduates of the Sunlit Garden- a completely government-sponsored program created to raise a generation of well-rounded, thoughtful individuals aimed towards the betterment of society. The program is still in development, so any involvement by outside organizations is strictly off the record. As such, there will be no documentation indicating that the majority of the Garden’s instructors were originally on Washuu payroll, nor that the incoming applicants are all children of various branch families. Should anyone decide to look into it, there will be absolutely no connection between the Garden and the Washuu family.”

Back in the Washuu household, a baby started crying.

“Oh, Matsuri dear,” said a woman with long black hair. “Be a good boy and give Hideyoshi something to keep him occupied? Mommy’s a little busy right now.” Matsuri glanced at the open door to the baby’s room, shrugged, and shut the door.

* * *

 

“Well _I’m_ not about to quit my job to take care of him.” The woman with short hair frowned at her husband, oblivious or possibly just ignoring the crying newborn in the other room.

“Don’t then. He’ll be fine left alone for a few hours a day.”

“Excuse me, I’d rather not get charged with child abuse.”

“That’s hardly abuse,” the man scoffed. “It’s not like he’d be able to hurt himself or anything. You have to think about the greater good here: what’s worth more, a baby or an entire country?”

The woman scowled. “Well, it wasn’t like having a kid was _my_ idea,” she spat. “But since _someone_ insisted, that _someone_ had better take responsibility for it.”

“Oh, you want me to do something about it? Fine then, I’ll do something about it. You won’t have to bother taking care of it ever again. Happy?”

“Very.”

Later, on her own, the woman looked _almost_ regretful about her decision, but she talked herself out of it.

_The Washuu have to be stopped._

* * *

 

They were both so young when they met, yet their lives up until now could not have been more different. He was a hired mercenary living life in the shadows, and she was a recent graduate trying to make use of her degree in journalism. Yet something somewhere had brought them together.

They met at the café where she worked part-time until she could find a more reliable source of income. He enjoyed spending time there- it was quiet and out of the way, and filled with people whose only worries were what to cook for dinner or whether or not the object of their affections liked them back. For those few precious hours a week, he could forget about the things he had done.

It wasn’t that he had never noticed the pretty waitress, but he had never thought about talking to her. Someone like him would never be allowed to find happiness so easily, and someone like her didn’t deserve to be pulled into his mess. Honestly, he had never considered that things could ever be anything other than the way they were now. So when she approached him as he was leaving one day, he was surprised.

“I’m sorry,” she said with a smile. “It just occurred to me all of a sudden that even though we’ve met so many times, I still don’t know your name.”

Caught off guard, he made the mistake of answering her honestly. “…Kuzen,” he said, still a little shocked. The waitress smiled at him again, and he wondered if it was normal for people to express this much emotion or if it was just her.

“My name is Ukina,” she told him. “I’ll be looking forward to your next visit!”

He nodded uncertainly, suddenly uncomfortable. If he were being honest with himself, he knew that he probably shouldn’t go back there. It would be dangerous for both of them. But he was human, and that meant he was selfish: he didn’t want to lose the one place of reprieve that he had. So he returned.

He began meeting with Ukina outside of the café. They would never go anywhere in particular, but they enjoyed spending time in each other’s company. As more time passed, he began to think that just maybe, they actually had a chance at happiness.

It was inevitable that she would find out about his past. She was far too perceptive, and with her profession it was only natural that she would discover the truth eventually. This had been what he was afraid of.  

And yet… she didn’t leave.

“I understand,” she told him. “You’re a kind person. It’s just that sometimes the only choices presented to us are ones we’d rather not make.” Then she smiled at him, the same smile as before. “You don’t have to hide from me anymore.”

The following year, their daughter was born. Following Ukina’s revelation, Kuzen had been slowly extricating himself from the Washuu’s affairs, and he hoped that he would be able to provide the three of them with a stable future.

It was only by chance that he saw the article she was working on.

“Ukina, you can’t publish this.”

She looked at him with a strange expression on her face, taking the document from his hands. “What do you mean? Is there something wrong with it?”

Words and phrases that she’d written flashed through his mind: _Potential conspiracy. Early warning signs. Far-reaching corruption._

“It’s not about that and you know it,” he told her. “You don’t know how far they would go to protect themselves- they could _kill_ you.”

“They could kill thousands of people,” she fired back. “It’s my duty to share this information with the public.” Her face softened and she took his hands in her own. “I’m aware of the risks,” she said gently. “But know that I would never willingly do anything to take me away from you unless I believed that it was worth it.” She smiled.

“I won’t let myself die so easily.”

But in the end that was a promise she couldn’t keep. They said it was a tragic accident involving a drunk driver, but he knew better than that. Her article had been published the day before, and no matter how many witnesses the questioned nobody could provide a useful description of the driver.

What was worst was not knowing if her death had had any meaning. The Washuu didn’t seem to be making any moves for now, but they were not the type to lie dormant for long.

He thought of his daughter, and the world she would grow up in.

_At the very least, I will create a place for you to grow safely._

* * *

 

“So. Where are we, exactly?” Rize looked around skeptically, arms folded. She wasn’t particularly concerned, but the kidnapping had rather interrupted her schedule and she at least wanted some answers.

“This is a research facility,” the man in white told her. “You’ll be staying here until we can find more suitable arrangements.”

Rize frowned, not impressed. “Says who?” she challenged. “What if I don’t want to?”

Arima didn’t even look at her. “If that’s your choice, we are in no position to stop you,” he said simply. “Our main goal is to keep you out of the hands of the Washuu. It would certainly be easier to do that if we have you under our care, but you are free to leave whenever you wish.”

_Hmm. Not a bad deal, all things considered._

"Alright then,” she said with a shrug. “I’ll stay here for now.”

* * *

 

They had taken her. Those monsters had taken his Rize away from him. They had killed her, and now he would never be able to make her his.

_I won’t forgive you. I’ll never forgive you._ He repeated this mantra in his mind, over and over, the need to exact revenge on those petty thieves the only thing keeping him going.

The other kids in the Garden had noticed Rize’s disappearance, but none of them commented on it. Kids were always being carted off to different facilities, sometimes as punishment and sometimes just as a convenience to fill quotas. Nobody was about to question the disappearance of one girl. What they did talk about was how much easier it was to pick on Furuta. Rize had been his unspoken guardian, if for no other reason than that nobody wanted to get close to her. With her out of the way, there was nothing stopping them from doing whatever they pleased.

Furuta didn’t particularly mind being their punching bag. He had bigger things to worry about- mainly fantasizing about all the horrible ways by which he would make those bastards pay for what they’d done. Gradually the bullies lost interest in a target that never fought back, and they gave up on him.

As the years passed, his plans became more and more complex and he realized that he had no intention of staying in the Garden anymore. Of course, he wouldn’t be allowed to leave so easily as that, but where was the fun in easy?

He knew that you first left the Garden at sixteen so that you could adapt to the outside world in time to be useful outside of combat situations. For him, that was two years from now, so he had a choice: wait and just wander off the first time they left him unsupervised, or implement a ridiculously complicated scheme to get himself out sooner? Well, there really wasn’t any question about that one, was there?

He was fifteen and living outside the Garden for the first time. It would take time to establish all the connections he needed to exact his revenge, but every second was worth it.

_Just wait, my darling. I will punish those who have taken you so cruelly from this world. I swear it._

* * *

 

She was barely a year old when he left her. Maybe it had been for her sake, maybe not- she didn’t care. She had grown since then, and she could find her own answers.

A hand on her shoulder turned her attention away from the café.

“We should go,” said her guardian. She shot one final glance through the window, then turned away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Vagueness is my friend.


	37. Fruti Wheel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nice girls are nice to everyone, to appeal just how nice they are. Those girls will say nice things to your face and then stab you in the back. –???

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have my second math midterm today- wish me luck!  
> ...Who am I kidding, I'm gonna die.

Hatred was a generational pastime. It was encoded into the children’s DNA to despise their parents, revile their peers and rebel against whoever was in charge. She knew that much, and she wasn’t immune to it. The difference was that she chose to channel that anger towards a single goal rather than blindly lashing out at anything that failed to conform to her standards. She had learned from a young age that violence without direction was only self-destructive.

 _Then again, who made us like this, hmm?_ Every generation had its problems. The youth were angry at the world, the adults were condescending, the elderly were convinced it wasn’t their responsibility anymore- and the cycle kept going. So what did you do with a world like that?

_What it needs is a factory reset._

She wasn’t stupid. She knew that nobody expected a fourteen-year-old would never be able to gain the support it would take to make a difference, but she believed that she would be able to prove them wrong. 

“Who’s the kid? I didn’t know you were a babysitter.” It was frustrating. Tatara had quite a few contacts in high places, but he wasn’t the one with a vendetta. He had made it clear from the beginning that if she wanted something done, she had to make it happen with her own two hands. She was more than capable, but nobody took her seriously.

“Yoshimura Eto,” she responded coolly. “I have to admit, I came here because I heard you were intelligent, but I can’t say you’re doing much to support that assumption.” The man glowered at her, displeased. He was tall, wearing a black suit that only served to emphasize his intimidating figure, while she was a slim teenager in an oversized sweater and glasses- the difference between them was obvious, and it was clear that he thought himself to be far superior to her.

“I think you need to teach her some manners,” he said, not even bothering to address her directly. Eto scowled. He would be a useful asset if she could get him under her control, but he didn’t seem the type that could be bought with beautiful words. He believed in strength as proven by physical force. Fine then- if that was how it was, that was just how it would have to be.  She shot a glance at Tatara, asking for permission. Tatara raised his eyebrows, but didn’t comment.

 _That’s that, then._ She grinned. In a flash, she had gotten her legs around the man’s neck, sitting on his shoulders and holding a knife to his throat.

“But don’t you think manners are such an outdated concept?” she whispered seductively into his ear. “What do you say we just cut to the chase and you give me what I came here for, hmm?”

She released him and he stared at her with wide eyes. It didn’t take much after that to get him reporting to her through Tatara about any suspicious goings on in his organization. Using him as a go-between, she gradually began expanding her network of connections and gaining followers. The newcomers were inevitably skeptical of a child’s ability to lead them, but her supporters were quick to prove them wrong.

“My lady.” She looked up from her computer, raising an eyebrow. The woman in front of her was an instructor from the Sunlit Garden and one of her best inside sources on the Washuu.

“There’s been a development regarding the girl- her power is much stronger than we’d thought. It’s entirely likely that the Washuu will attempt to use her as a shortcut to their goals.”

Eto pursed her lips, considering. “Well, now, we can’t let them do that,” she mused. “We’ll have to take her out of there soon. Why don’t we see if our Reaper can keep an eye on her for a while?”

“Understood.” The instructor bowed and left the room, and Eto sighed. The Washuu were being cautious, and it was irritating. She knew what they had almost done, but they had covered their tracks so that there was no way to prove it. The exposé piece her mother had died for had been for naught. The only way they would ever be convicted was if they did it again- and that was exactly what she intended to have them do. Once they showed their true colors, she could get her revenge. As long as those ends were met, the means didn’t matter- everything was fair game.

* * *

 

The Reaper told her not to go out too much- it was harder to keep track of someone who kept wandering around the city on a whim. For the most part she felt no need to go anywhere- after all, she’d spent her whole life contentedly without once leaving the bounds of the Garden- but every once in a while she did it just to make his job more difficult. And, if she were being completely honest, it _was_ kind of nice to get outside now and again. There were so many people, each of them going about their everyday business without even noticing the thousands of stories playing out around them. Their self-imposed oblivion fascinated her to no end.

When she wasn’t exploring, she wrote in her diary. She wrote about the couple at the bookstore who obviously weren’t right for each other. She wrote about the fat man sitting at the corner playing the guitar. She wrote about the weather and the birds she saw and how many leaves were left on the tree by her window. It was her record of the world as it was in the moment, the one thing that would remain constant regardless of any change.

There was always change. Sometimes it was natural, sometimes it was due to someone interfering. Most of the time it didn’t bother her, so she let it be. Every so often, though, she found that she liked the world better the way it had been before. This was one of those times.

Recently they’d increased the amount of security on her. She wasn’t allowed to go anywhere without taking someone with her, which was not only irritating but frankly quite insulting. Not to mention that they had shut down the subway system, so the only way to get anywhere was to walk.

 _How tiresome._ She tapped her chin, thinking. _Yes, I’d say that’s about worth it._

They found her body lying in her room, the diary open beside her. The final entry was circled in bright red pen:

_I completely expect that the subway situation will have been resolved by the time I wake up. If it isn’t, I will be thoroughly disappointed._

There was no record of any bombings in the news. It must have taken a significant amount of power to alter an event that effected so many people, and yet she had done it because of a petty inconvenience. Her guardians were perplexed, but secretly a bit relieved: she would be much easier to take care of unconscious. They set up the life-support machine and simply forgot about it. There were more important things to do.

* * *

 

_I’m going to tell you a story, so listen closely. Once upon a time there was a man- he was a well-respected doctor, beloved by his many patients. He had no family to speak of, but he was paid handsomely and enjoyed his work. And yet, he felt unsatisfied._

_He took a temporary leave from his office and set about trying to identify the source of his malaise. He observed the people around him, wondering how it was that they were so contented with their lives when there was clearly so much more to be had, and he slowly began to realize it. They were happy because they were incapable of even considering otherwise. Like sheep, they had been trained by society to bow their heads and swallow the stories they were fed without question, and like sheep they were useless unless you knew how to use them properly._

_And so the man began to think. He had been given the gift of enlightenment, and it was his duty to use it. Then, in return for playing the role of shepherd, he could reap his reward and harvest their fleece._

_There were others, of course- others who wanted to take that reward for themselves. But they were large and powerful, and they didn’t believe that he would be a threat. That, he knew, would be their downfall._

_He began approaching them under the guise of a simple researcher, aiming to benefit from their advanced facilities. There he was given almost free reign, exempt from the regulations that had restricted his practice before. For several years he enjoyed this newfound freedom and became increasingly more bold in his experiments. However, he made one fatal mistake: for all his preparations, he had not considered that others might attempt to replicate his work. The growing number of practitioners began attracting the attention of the Washuu, and they were not pleased with his efforts to overshadow them. He was disposed of quickly and efficiently._

_In his absence, the number of researchers dedicated to his projects dwindled. Only the most fanatic remained on the project- but that was all he needed. His spirit held fast to its obsessions, drawing power from the seeds he had planted in their minds and determined not to rest until he had accomplished his goal._

_Much time passed as he waited in this transient state, drifting amongst the living as little more than a dream. Then, one day, there was a shift. The slightest crack opened in the fabric of reality- a chance to be reborn. The dream became a ghost, and it followed the scent of destiny._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's on chapters like this that I realize the chapter tiles really don't make sense unless you've watched the series. Out of curiosity, has anyone actually listened to the songs? I use them as a soundtrack when I'm writing. You should check them out sometime.


	38. Dear Future

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What a long story! I fell asleep from boredom. –Himari

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're getting close to the end! Two chapters to go!

Everything had been working just fine, until that girl had interfered. She had set it up so that the Washuu were in prime position to launch their little coup, and when they did she had all the evidence she needed to end their regime. When the story changed, she knew exactly who had done it.

It wasn’t the Reaper’s fault, she knew that. She should have been more careful in her plans. That, if nothing else, was an advantage she had over the Washuu- she knew how to learn from her mistakes. The Washuu were so quick to blame others for their faults that they would keep doing the same things over and over without ever changing. She didn’t _like_ being wrong, of course, but it happened to everyone and she wasn’t about to let fear of failure get in her way.

“So that’s why you came to us?”

The Clowns were some of her least favorite people. They never committed to anything, always just following their whims without rhyme or reason. But if you needed information on something, they were the people to ask. Eto, just barely nineteen, had visited them on several occasions in the past.

“That’s right,” she said. “If anyone could find her, it’s you.”

Itori leaned back in her chair, smirking. “Well, isn’t that sweet of you to say? You’re such a good girl, Eto-chan, I’m sure we could do something for you.”

Eto bristled but remained silent. This was part of her payment- in exchange for their knowledge, she had to put up with their little games. More than a fair price, really, but still irritating.

“Now, let me think.” Itori tapped her chin as if trying to remember something. They both knew that she could bring up any memories she wanted. “That girl’s ability is a strange one. If our trades are literal- favors for favors, knowledge for knowledge- then I would call hers more theoretical. For every exchange she makes, she gives up a bit of her conceptual self- call it a soul, if you will. Her physical self hasn’t been harmed, so that means that this idea of her is still drifting around somewhere.”

“But how do I capture that?” Her impatience was showing. She needed to relax.

Itori shrugged, enjoying herself. “That’s the question, isn’t it? You’ll just have to wait until she ‘exists’ again.”

Eto scowled. This had been the exact opposite of helpful. “Well, if you learn anything more, tell me,” she said curtly. “I’m going home.”

* * *

 

Alone in her room, she flipped open her computer and began typing. It was late and she was straining her eyes, but she wanted to have done _something_ productive today. A few keystrokes later she had gotten into the Washuu’s databases.

_Let’s see what you’ve been up to lately._

Morning found her passed out on the floor, the laptop still open beside her. She probably wouldn’t have woken up for several more hours, but Tatara had come to check on her.

“Did something happen?” he asked. Eto fumbled with her glasses and sat up slowly.

“The youngest son has run away from home,” she told him. He nodded, satisfied that she was awake, and left.

For the next several days she continued following the situation, happy to be accomplishing something even if it wasn’t particularly significant. When she wasn’t intercepting e-mails, she thought about what to do when she finally got ahold of that girl’s soul. If she just returned it to her body, there was no guarantee that she wouldn’t interfere again, so the trick was figuring out how to keep it contained. The problem was, the concept of a ‘soul’ was ridiculous to begin with. It wasn’t an actual entity, just an artificial construct designed to guilt-trip people into behaving nicely. So how did you reconcile that with the situation she was facing?

 _A person is only chemicals. Your mind is only electrical impulses. Your soul is only memories._ Put that way, it was easily explained. What she was looking for wasn’t Rize herself, but someone who believed they were Rize. Once she found them, she could use them to understand the power they held. And then the Washuu would meet their end.

“It’s a noble goal you have,” Itori told her. She’d been joined by some others this time, and they were all sitting around getting drunk- which wouldn’t be so bad if they didn’t keep trying to shove a wineglass into her hands.

“It’s always good to punish those who deserve punishment,” agreed Uta.

“Speaking of, speaking of-” Roma piped in. “Who’s taking the fall? Are the lambs ready for slaughter?”

Eto scowled. They were so crude.

“Ohh, that’s right.” Itori poured herself another glass and kept drinking. “Eto-chan, I have some potential targets for you.” She slid a pair of photographs across the table. Eto looked at them and frowned.

“These are children,” she said, passing the pictures back.

“I know. Isn’t it perfect?” The Clowns laughed and touched glasses.

“They’re sacrifices,” Itori explained. “Fate doesn’t take kindly to interference, but it isn’t picky about who it takes revenge on. So the Washuu picked a couple of innocents and directed the punishments onto them. Clever, isn’t it?”

_Disgusting. They’re disgusting. This is why they can’t be allowed to do as they please anymore._

“What does this have to do with me?” she asked.

“Well. If everything had gone as you wanted, the Washuu would have been punished by society. It’s Ri-chan’s fault that these two will have to suffer in their place- her actions impacted them the most. If her soul will find anyone, it’ll be one of them.”

Eto narrowed her eyes, searching their faces for any hint of deception. It would be just like them to send her on a wild goose chase just for the hell of it.

“Wait.” She had remembered something, but she needed to double check. “Let me see those photos again.”

Itori handed them over and she looked at them carefully. The girl wasn’t anyone notable, but the boy she recognized. He was the adopted son who had vanished into the night along with his ‘brother.’ That explained why the Washuu had been so frantic to get them back then- it wasn’t concern for their own child, but for the sacrifice they had so carefully prepared.

“So one of these two will inherit _her_ ,” she mused. The real Rize was fickle and impossible to control, but when her personality was blended with someone else’s it might be possible to use her. Since the Washuu thought of these children as their salvation, they would do whatever it took to get them back- and that would be their undoing.

“It doesn’t matter which one it is,” she told her followers. “Find one of them and bring them here. You’ll be allowed to do whatever you like with them as long as they don’t die, understood? I need them alive.”

The more violence-prone members of the audience smiled at that. It was a shame, really, but Rize likely wouldn’t make a move unless her host was in danger. Once her soul had been awoken, the unfortunate child could be taken by the Washuu and destroy them from within.

 _And here I was hoping that I wouldn’t have to rely on her power,_ Eto sighed to herself. _But if that’s how it has to be, so be it._

* * *

That had been her intention, anyway. But when the time came, she realized how much more she could learn if she continued to observe him than if she handed him over right away. Normally she wasn’t one for changing her plans, but curiosity was a formidable influence. Besides, they had taken the blond one with them, and he would do as a sacrifice in a pinch just in case she had to resort to her original plans.

That didn’t happen, though. The Washuu were still being cautious, giving her plenty of time to do as she pleased. The boy’s sense of self was much stronger than she would have expected of him, and his interactions with the extra memories inside of him were fascinating. She watched as he accepted Rize and her powers as part of himself, made them his own. She followed his quest for understanding and began to wonder what he would be capable of if only he had a nudge in the right direction.

_Because you don’t even realize it, but you’re altering Fate with every step you take._

“It’s not you I’m interested in, per se,” she told him. “What I want is the person inside your head.” It wouldn’t do to let him know how much significance he carried. She gave him the offer to take Rize away, knowing he would accept, and then sent him off to find his most precious person. For now at least, the Washuu could wait.

_The choice is in your hands now. So tell me, what will you do?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that marks the end of the Exposition Machine. Hopefully it cleared some stuff up- or at least didn't make it more confusing.


	39. Rock Over

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As it turns out, living was a punishment. I've been punished in small doses, living as a Takakura. But, still, we were together. We took all the punishments, no matter how small and trivial. They're all precious memories. Because the only reason I felt alive was because you two were there. -Himari

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Second-to-last! We're almost there!

_Mary was a shepherd with a flock of beautiful lambs whose fleece shone like angel’s wings. They were the envy of everyone who saw them, and Mary couldn’t wait to spin their wool into thread._

_One day, Mary awoke to find that the apple tree in the garden had withered. It was the tree that bore golden fruit each year- Mary’s other dear treasure. Mary ran to the apple tree and broke into tears. The lambs tried to comfort her, but their consolation fell on deaf ears. Then suddenly, a voice rained down from the sky:_

_“Don’t give up. There is still hope.” Mary looked up, but she could not see the source of the voice. “You know the Shrine of the Goddess deep in the forest?” the voice continued. “Go and collect ashes from the flaming torch inside. The tree will recover the instant you sprinkle the ashes over it!”_

_Mary declined. Their taboo forbade human contact with the torch of the goddess._

_“But you’re just going to borrow some ashes! The world will be filled with light once again! The Goddess will be pleased too!”_

_That night, Mary stole the ashes from the shrine and sprinkled them over the apple tree. Just as the voice claimed, the apple tree was revived. Mary was overjoyed, dancing under the tree, blind to the little lambs. However, the Goddess was furious. It was, after all, a taboo. The Goddess decided to punish Mary. But the punishment was ultimately up to the Goddess’s whim. The Goddess chose the smallest, youngest lamb, and stole it away from the world. The other lambs were distraught, and begged to know why the Goddess had been so cruel. The Goddess smiled and told them:_

_“Because a punishment must be the most unjust.”_

* * *

 

It was morning. Two figures lay curled together in bed, sunlight gently rousing them from sleep. Hide felt Kaneki roll over beside him and slowly cracked open his eyes.

“Hey,” he said in a whispered voice. Kaneki’s eyes fluttered open and he smiled.

“Hi,” he whispered back, tucking his head under Hide’s chin. The moment was soft, the kind that occurs at the border between waking and dreams where time slows down and everything stands still. For several more minutes they lay there in silence, taking in each other’s warmth and presence. Then Kaneki’s stomach growled and they both had to stifle their laughter.

“Hungry?” asked Hide, smiling.

“Mmm… maybe a little,” Kaneki murmured. “But I’d rather just stay here for a while.” He wrapped his arms around Hide’s waist for emphasis.

This, this was what they had been missing. Years of chasing each other in circles when what they needed was right in front of them had been wasted, and that made it all the more important to treasure it now. Every touch, breath, heartbeat was something precious.

The sun rose higher in the sky and gradually brought them to the land of the living. They traced footsteps across the floor, following the paths that had been engrained there by years of memories and painting over them as they went. The television played quietly in the background as they moved through their morning routine.

“You’re being awfully cling today,” Hide noted. They were sitting on the couch, Kaneki holding on to Hide’s arm as he leaned against him.

“Is that a bad thing?” he asked coyly. Hide smiled and pressed a kiss to his forehead.

"No. It’s cute.”

They weren’t fools. They didn’t have all the time in the world to enjoy this simple domesticity. Sooner or later, time would run out, and someone would have to make the choice of who to save and who to let go.

_I don’t want to lose him again. Not after everything we’ve been through. I don’t want that._

But it wasn’t his place to pretend his desires mattered. There were others who loved Kaneki, and others who loved the girl. Love alone wouldn’t keep them alive.

“Hide?”

Kaneki was looking at him. It still caught him off guard, how clear his gaze was. It hadn’t been like that before- like he was looking through to his heart.

“Nothing,” he said in the tone of voice that made it clear what he had been thinking about. Kaneki’s expression softened and he cast his eyes downward, smiling sadly.

“Okay,” he said quietly. Unspoken words hung between them, casting shadows on the floor.

“Hey, I was thinking,” Kaneki said, changing the subject. “We should go do something today- something fun, don’t you think?” _I don’t want to regret anything anymore._

* * *

It was the simple things- touches that lingered for a few seconds longer than they had to, the gentle brushing of fingertips before they laced their hands together- that meant the most to him. Things like that were ‘normal.’ They were the sort of thing that people did without thinking about.

That was all he’d ever wanted. To be with Hide and not worry would be a like a dream, and in moments like this he could almost pretend it was a reality. The sun was beginning to sink in the sky and for the time being they were alone in the world. If he could, he would let this moment go on forever. But in his heart he knew that was impossible.

He stopped walking, letting his hand slip out of Hide’s.

“…Kaneki?” Hide turned around to look at him, an expression of concern written across his face. It would have been easy to wave it off, to say it was nothing and move on. He didn’t.

“Hide,” he said, not meeting his gaze. “I love you, you know?”

“I… yeah. I love you too.” He stepped closer, moving to cup Kaneki’s face in his hand. “What’s wrong?”

Kaneki stepped back and turned so he was facing away from him. “Hey, Hide,” he said, looking at the sky. “Do you remember that storybook we read as children?”

Hide hesitated, still uncertain. “The one about Mary, right?” It had been their favorite back then. He hadn’t seen it in years.

“When you think about it, it’s not really the sort of story you’d expect from a children’s book, is it.” It wasn’t a question. Hide didn’t answer.

“See, the thing is, I’ve always thought there must be more to the story than that. Because the Goddess chose to punish Mary by hurting something she cared about, right? Since it hurts much more when someone you love is hurt in your place. But the thing is… I don’t think Mary really cared about anything in that way. The story said that the lambs and the tree were her precious possessions, but I think she only cared about them because they bestowed value upon her. So the Goddess may have tried to take away something she loved, but Mary didn’t know how to love in the first place.” Kaneki made as if he were going to turn around, but hesitated and turned back again.

“I think that the Goddess might have realized that,” he continued. “And I’m sure she would have felt regret about what she’d done. But no matter what you do, you can’t bring the dead back to life. It’s impossible. Even if you tried, the dead will always return to death in the end. But… I think that might have been okay. Because what the lambs must have wanted most was to be free from Mary. So even if it were just for a day, even just a moment, if the littlest lamb could experience that, I think they would be happy. I think that would have made everything worth it.”

Hide’s breath had caught in his throat. Kaneki still wasn’t facing him, and for a brief second he seemed about to disappear. But what he was talking about… that couldn’t be it, right? That wasn’t what he meant?

“Ken,” he said, stepping forward. “Look at me.”

Kaneki did so, a sorrowful look on his face that was quickly replaced by an apologetic smile. “Sorry,” he said, laughing softly. “Maybe I’ve been reading too much into it.”

And that should have been the end of it. If only that could have been the end of it. But such an end would never happen.

“When I had Rize-san’s memories in my head,” Kaneki told him, “I learned about the diary. I learned about what it does, and how to use it. And really, you don’t need the diary at all. It helps, if you’re trying to return things to the way they used to be, but you don’t have to have it.” He spoke calmly, only a hint of sadness in his voice. But Hide knew.

"You’re…” He left the sentence unfinished.

“This sort of spell is complicated,” said Kaneki. “It’s difficult enough to be done once- it could never be used twice in a row, even by two different people. That’s just how it is.”

“Kaneki…” _Don’t do this. Please. Say you won’t do it._ He couldn’t ask that. It wasn’t his right.

“Hey, Hide.” There were tears in his eyes, but he wasn’t letting them fall, not yet. Not now. “Can I tell you a secret?”

Hide fought to swallow his own tears and smiled. “Of course you can.”

Kaneki moved closer so their bodies were pressed together, looking at his feet. “Actually… when I was born, I was really sick. The doctor said I probably wasn’t gonna make it to adulthood.”

He thought back to the coughing fits, the sleepless nights when Kaneki had been burning with fevers. “Were… were you going to tell me?”

Kaneki shook his head. “Like I said, there was nothing anyone could do. I was sad, but being with you made me happier than I’d ever been in my life. And even if it was short, I was glad to be able to spend the rest of my life with you. And even now, that’s all I want. This curse has actually let me live longer than I was ever supposed to, and I’m incredibly grateful for that. Because I got to be with you like this. Because I got to tell you how much I love you. But it wouldn’t be fair for me, someone who should have never been alive to begin with, to demand any more than I’ve already been given. Hinami-chan still has her whole life ahead of her- I don’t want to be the one to take that away from her.”

Hide couldn’t speak. What was he supposed to say? Kaneki was…

“So you’re leaving me behind?” The tears were falling by now, and Kaneki looked genuinely regretful. “Hey. Why do you always have to be so selfless?” He tried to laugh but it came out chocked and ugly. He pulled Kaneki closer, and if by holding on tight enough he could prevent the inevitable.

“I love you,” he whispered, hating how his voice shook with crying. “I love you so much.” And Kaneki was already feeling less _there,_ even as he held him in his arms. He hated it. He hated that after all this he was about to lose the person he loved more than anything and he was powerless to stop it.

“Hide.” His voice sounded so distant. He was going somewhere far away that Hide couldn’t follow.

“Hide,” he repeated softly. “I…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...Sorry.


	40. The Door of Fate We Choose

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “The apple is the universe itself! A universe in the palm of your hand. It’s what connects this world and the other world.”  
> “’The other world’?”  
> “The world Campanella and the other passengers are heading to!”  
> “What does that have to do with an apple?”  
> “The apple is also a reward for those who have chosen to die for love!”  
> “But everything’s over when you’re dead.”  
> “It’s not over! What I’m trying to say is that’s actually where everything begins!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's the last chapter! I can't tell if it's been a long time or hardly any time at all. Anyway, thanks for sticking around for the whole thing! I hope it was worth the time.

For such a cold day, it was surprisingly bright. Hide shielded his eyes as he stepped outside, squinting slightly in the sunlight. Behind him Shirazu sneezed and rubbed at his nose with the back of his hand.

“Ginshi, I told you you should wear a coat,” Hide told him. Shirazu scoffed and looked the other way.

“It’s not that cold,” he said, his façade ruined when he sneezed again.

“Whatever you say.” Hide rolled his eyes but made no further comment. If he wanted to get sick, that was his choice.

It felt like a lot had happened since that day. Hide’s coursework was steadily piling up, though he always tried to save time to visit the CCG and take the kids out somewhere. He didn’t see Touka very often, but he did run into her on campus every once in a while. A few times she had enlisted his help in getting Ayato to actually go to classes or helping Hinami with her homework whenever Nishio and Kimi were busy with graduate work.

He had been there when the Washuu Corporation building was shut down. It was hard to describe exactly how he felt about it- he was happy, of course, there would always be that nagging sense of loss. Part of him wondered what had happened to the rest of the family. Part of him didn’t want to know.

And through all of it, he waited. He waited for the day that he would see Kaneki again- because he knew that day would come.

_Because the Goddess was so touched by the lambs’ selflessness, she bestowed upon them a reward- that if ever they were to die, they would most certainly be reunited in another life, where they could live in happiness._

And so he waited.

“Hey, can we go to the park?” asked Saiko. It wasn’t really a question, since she was already wandering off. Hide shrugged and set off after her.

The temperature meant that there weren’t too many people out, but the park still had a few visitors when they arrived. Urie immediately set up shop with his headphones, Mutsuki pulled out a book and started reading, and Shirazu and Saiko started chasing each other around. Confident that they were all occupied and not about to get themselves killed, Hide let himself relax a little.

 _Mmm, it is pretty nice out today,_ he thought absently. A breeze blew past him and he shivered a little, pulling his jacket tighter around himself. _But it’s still freaking cold._

He stood up and started walking in an attempt to get his circulation going. There was a trail leading off into a little patch of trees, so he followed it without much thought. It came out into a smaller park area, just a few benches overlooking the water. Hide almost thought there was nobody there, but he had missed the person curled up under a tree. He had his nose buried in a book and seemed completely oblivious to the world around him.

Then he brushed his hair back and Hide’s heart seized.

As if sensing that he was being watched, the reader turned around. His mouth formed a small ‘o’ as their gazes met and recognition flashed behind his eyes.

“Um…” he said, setting his book down. “I…” He stood up slowly, hesitantly crossing the distance between them. Hide stood perfectly still as he lifted his hands and drew their faces together.

“Hide…” he breathed. “I found you again.” And only then did Hide let himself close the gap between their lips, kissing him softly as they let the moment wash over them.

“Welcome home.”

           

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... yeah. I know it wasn't the best story, but I had fun writing it, and hopefully someone had fun reading it. Maybe I'll see you guys around sometime? Y'know, assuming I ever finish anything after this.


End file.
